M litwak psychological aikido read. Depreciation in public life. Mikhail Efimovich LitvakPsychological Aikido

Litvak Mikhail Efimovich

I dedicate this book to the students and patients who taught me psychological aikido.

M. Litvak

Happy! Do not purchase this book. You are already good aikido fighters. It is not necessary to do this and the owners of the "second happiness" - impudence. It is written for patients with neuroses and psychosomatic diseases (hypertension, peptic ulcer, myocardial infarction, gastritis, colitis, dermatitis, bronchial asthma, etc.), who suffer from them because of their inability to communicate.

8 she has recommendations on how to tame overly strong-willed bosses, how to find contact with children, mother-in-law or mother-in-law, how to win a business dispute without wasting your spiritual energy. Therefore, I think that it will be useful to delicate smart people who suffer from surrounding rudeness, who are not yet ill. It will find useful advice for leaders, managers and those who want to become them. The book can help to establish family relationships, raise children, achieve success in the chosen business. I hope that psychotherapists will also acquire it.

The methodology presented here has no analogues, although I used the provisions of transactional analysis, Gestalt therapy, behavioral and cognitive therapy, the approaches of Dale Carnegie, etc. But the good soldier Schweik can be considered its founder. He did not respond to the insults of the offenders, but agreed with them. "Schweik, you idiot!" they told him. He did not argue, but immediately agreed: "Yes, I'm an idiot!" - and won, as in an aikido fight, without touching the opponent. Maybe we should call this type of struggle “psychological shveikido”, as one of my students suggested?

Foreword

At one of the public lectures on the problem of communication, I asked my listeners: “Which of you loves power?” None of the 450 people answered in the affirmative. When I asked those who want to become hypnotists to raise their hands, guess how many people raised their hands? That's right, almost everything. What conclusions can be drawn?

1. Nobody admits to himself that he loves power.

2. No one admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed unquestioningly (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems unlimited).

I personally do not see anything wrong with this desire to control other people, especially since a person usually acts on the basis of good intentions.

However, the desire to command, conscious or unconscious, rests on

similar claims of a communication partner. A conflict arises

a clash in which there are no winners. Annoyance, irritation, anger,

depression, headaches, pains in the region of the heart, etc. remain both with the one who gained the upper hand, and with the one who had to obey. There is insomnia, during which a conflict situation is experienced, for some time it is difficult to deal with current affairs. Some people have high blood pressure. Some, in order to drown out annoyance, use alcohol or drugs, once again vent evil on members of their family or subordinates. Many torment themselves with remorse. They give themselves the word to be more restrained, more circumspect, but ... some time passes, and everything starts all over again. No, not at first! Each subsequent conflict arises for less and less reason, proceeds more and more violently, and the consequences become harder and longer!

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully looks for a way out.

Some begin to limit communication. At first, it seems to help. But this is a temporary way out. The need for communication is akin to the need for water. A person who has fallen into conditions of complete loneliness develops psychosis in five to six days, during which auditory and visual hallucinations appear. Communication begins with hallucinatory images, which, of course, cannot be productive and leads to the death of a person. Science has established that it is precisely because of this that people who are left alone die prematurely. Often the need for communication takes its toll, and then a person comes into contact with anyone, just not to be alone. Many develop isolation, shyness. You no longer choose, but you are chosen.

Second (mostly strong personalities occupying command positions) require unquestioning obedience both in the family and at work. Then they cease to catch the gradually growing discontent of those who depend on them. When the possibilities for suppression are exhausted, they sometimes with pain, sometimes with surprise, notice that everyone has left them, and believe that they have been betrayed.

Still others, without trying to establish communication, change their partners, get divorced, quit their jobs, move to another city and even a country. But you can't get away from yourself, from your inability to communicate. In a new place, everything starts all over again.

Fourths completely go into work, often choosing one that does not require contact with other people. But this is also a temporary way out.

Fifth... But let me finish listing the surrogate ways that replace the luxury of human communication. There are a lot of them. What unites them is that they all eventually lead to illness or antisocial behavior. In a hospital or prison, communication is always available, but it can hardly satisfy anyone.

For many years I tried to treat with drugs and hypnosis the neuroses that always arose after conflicts. For a short period of time, the patients felt better, but the next conflict, even less pronounced, led to an even more serious condition. And this is quite understandable. After all, neither drugs, nor hypnosis, nor bioenergetic methods, nor acupuncture could teach behavior in a conflict situation. Then, in parallel with the prescription of drugs, I began to teach patients the correct behavior in a conflict situation, win an argument, manage a partner so that he does not notice it, get along with himself, start communication and continue it productively without quarrels and conflicts, competently form, and then defend your interests.

Mikhail Efimovich Litvak

I dedicate this book to the students and patients who taught me psychological aikido.

M. Litvak

Happy! Do not purchase this book. You are already good aikido fighters. It is not worth doing this for the owners of the “second happiness” - impudence. It is written for patients with neuroses and psychosomatic diseases (hypertension, peptic ulcer, myocardial infarction, gastritis, colitis, dermatitis, bronchial asthma, etc.), who suffer from them because of their inability to communicate.

It contains recommendations on how to tame overly strong-willed bosses, how to find contact with children, mother-in-law or mother-in-law, how to win a business dispute without wasting your spiritual energy. Therefore, I think that it will be useful to delicate smart people who suffer from surrounding rudeness, who are not yet ill. It will find useful advice for leaders, managers and those who want to become them. The book can help to establish family relationships, raise children, achieve success in the chosen business. I hope that psychotherapists will also acquire it.

Foreword

1. Nobody admits to himself that he loves power.

2. No one admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed unquestioningly (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems unlimited).

I personally do not see anything wrong with this desire to control other people, especially since a person usually acts on the basis of good intentions.

However, the desire to command, conscious or unconscious, rests on similar claims of a communication partner. A conflict arises, a clash in which there are no winners. Annoyance, irritation, anger, depression, headaches, pain in the region of the heart, etc. remain both with the one who gained the upper hand, and with the one who had to obey. There is insomnia, during which a conflict situation is experienced, for some time it is difficult to deal with current affairs. Some people have high blood pressure. Some, in order to drown out annoyance, use alcohol or drugs, once again vent evil on members of their family or subordinates. Many torment themselves with remorse. They give themselves the word to be more restrained, more circumspect, but ... some time passes, and everything starts all over again. No, not at first! Each subsequent conflict arises for less and less reason, proceeds more and more violently, and the consequences become harder and longer!

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully looks for a way out.

The second (mostly strong personalities occupying command positions) require unquestioning obedience both in the family and at work. Then they cease to catch the gradually growing discontent of those who depend on them. When the possibilities for suppression are exhausted, they sometimes with pain, sometimes with surprise, notice that everyone has left them, and believe that they have been betrayed.

Fourths completely go into work, often choosing one that does not require contact with other people. But this is also a temporary way out.

The first experiments of a new approach for the treatment of patients gave amazing results.

The book describes the original method of psychological training, which helps to establish communication in various fields of activity. It is based on the principle of depreciation developed by the author.

Designed for managers, administrators, teachers, psychologists, psychotherapists and anyone interested in communication problems.

Mikhail Efimovich Litvak
Psychological aikido

From the author

I dedicate this book to the students and patients who taught me psychological aikido.
M. Litvak

Happy! Do not purchase this book. You are already good aikido fighters. It is not worth doing this to the owners of the "second happiness" - impudence. It is written for patients with neuroses and psychosomatic diseases (hypertension, peptic ulcer, myocardial infarction, gastritis, colitis, dermatitis, bronchial asthma, etc.), who suffer from them because of their inability to communicate.

The methodology presented here has no analogues, although I used the provisions of transactional analysis, Gestalt therapy, behavioral and cognitive therapy, the approaches of Dale Carnegie, etc. But the good soldier Schweik can be considered its founder. He did not respond to the insults of the offenders, but agreed with them. "Schweik, you idiot!" they told him. He did not argue, but immediately agreed: "Yes, I'm an idiot!" - and won, as in an aikido fight, without touching the opponent. Perhaps this type of struggle should be called "psychological shweikido", as suggested by one of my students?

Foreword

At one of the public lectures on the problem of communication, I asked my listeners: "Which of you loves power?" None of the 450 people answered in the affirmative. When I asked those who want to become hypnotists to raise their hands, guess how many people raised their hands? That's right, almost everything. What conclusions can be drawn?

1. Nobody admits to himself that he loves power.

2. No one admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed unquestioningly (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems unlimited).

I personally do not see anything wrong with this desire to control other people, especially since a person usually acts on the basis of good intentions.

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully looks for a way out.

Fourths completely go into work, often choosing one that does not require contact with other people. But this is also a temporary way out.

The first experiments of a new approach for the treatment of patients gave amazing results.

A young man of 25 years of age was cured of tics for 15 years within three days. A woman with functional paralysis of the lower extremities began to walk after a few hours. A patient referred for treatment with a suspected brain tumor got rid of headaches in two weeks. A 15-year-old son, who left home due to family conflicts, returned to his mother. A 46-year-old man managed to get out of depression, maintain his self-esteem and two children during the divorce proceedings, which began at the initiative of his wife, who decided to leave for another. Many have improved relationships at work and in the family. The need to command disappeared. A peculiar style of submission to a partner led to the desired result. This list could be continued.

Gradually, a view was developed on communication as a type of psychological struggle, and its techniques reminded me of martial arts, which are based on the principles of protection, care, defense. I called this method "psychological aikido". Then he formulated the principle of depreciation.

Mikhail Efimovich Litvak

Psychological aikido

I dedicate this book to the students and patients who taught me psychological aikido.

M. Litvak

Foreword

1. Nobody admits to himself that he loves power.

2. No one admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed unquestioningly (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems unlimited).

I personally do not see anything wrong with this desire to control other people, especially since a person usually acts on the basis of good intentions.

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully looks for a way out.

Fourths completely go into work, often choosing one that does not require contact with other people. But this is also a temporary way out.

The first experiments of a new approach for the treatment of patients gave amazing results.

Modern science indicates that the roots of neurosis go back to early childhood, when a neurotic system of relations, a neurotic character, is formed. This leads to the fact that the person lives all the time in a state of expressed emotional stress, often unconscious, and becomes vulnerable in difficult conflict situations. Neurosis begins, psychosomatic diseases (bronchial asthma, gastritis, gastric ulcer, hypertension, colitis, dermatitis, etc.). In a state of stress, emotional tension, immunity is impaired. Neurotic subjects are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases, they are more likely to develop malignant tumors, they are more likely to have accidents. Thus, the proverb “All diseases are from the nerves” is now receiving scientific justification. But why wait until a person falls ill, or something happens to him, or he brings misfortune to someone? Wouldn't it be better to start work before he fell ill? Thus, a club of psycho-prophylactic and psycho-corrective orientation was created, which we called CROSS (Club of those who decided to master stressful situations). Here we invite people who have psychological problems in the family and at work. Instead of prescribing medication, we help them communicate. At lectures and in groups of psychological training, well-known methods and rules of psychological struggle are worked out and new ones are developed. More than 85% of students note that as a result of mastering the skills of psychological aikido, they, to one degree or another, managed to establish relationships in the family and at work. Some have received promotions. Many began to set higher goals for themselves.

If at first the classes were limited to issues of conflict and the rules for getting out of it, then later the students became interested in the problems of fate and methods of re-education in order to correct the personal scenario. Later, my attention was drawn to the social psychology. The need to master the art of oratory has become urgent. There was an interest in the problem of sexual relations and sex education.

Lectures and training sessions were insufficient. The listeners and trainers had a need to return to the material they had studied once more, to think it over again, to refresh their memory. Initially, for this purpose, the books known to our reader by Dale Carnegie, psychotherapists V. Levy, A. Dobrovich, E. Berne and many others were used. good books! They have a lot of rules and good advice. They tell you what to do, but it's not always easy to find out how to do it. At times, trainees could not use these recommendations, as they found it difficult to choose one or the other in accordance with a particular situation. In addition, I have developed my own approaches. Thus, the idea of writing a manual on psychological struggle was born. Its main content is the depreciation technique developed by me on the basis of the laws of communication. In the future, a number of books will be published in which I will develop and deepen this topic.

1. GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL COMBAT EASY TO UNDERSTAND AND APPLY

I invite you to familiarize yourself with the principle of depreciation. Eastern sages said: "To know is to be able." If you want to know the principle of depreciation, just reading this book is not enough. It is necessary to try to apply it yourself. Sometimes it doesn't work right away. No big deal! After the conflict, think about how you should have acted. You can send a letter to your abuser. How to make them, you will learn from this book. Watch the conflicts of others, try to understand their mechanism and outline ways out of them. Better to learn from other people's mistakes. So, let's go. "The road will be mastered by the walking one."

The objectivity of the laws of psychology

When it rains, we sit at home or take an umbrella with us, but we do not scold the sky and clouds. We know that the laws by which it rains do not depend on us, and we simply try to adapt to them as much as we can.

But then a conflict arises in the family, at work, on the street or in transport, and instead of the enchanting magical sounds of harmonious communication, intimacy, love, the creak of overworked hearts and the crack of broken destinies is heard. It always seems that if it were not for the evil will of our communication partner, then there would be no conflict. What is our partner thinking? About the same. We mentally try to impose a particular style of behavior on our partner. We defeat him, push him against the wall and calm down for a while, because it seems to us that we have gained some experience in this conflict. What does our partner do? The same. And often we do not suspect that the laws of communication are as objective as the laws of nature and society.

T The smartest

The most stupid

An example is the following psychological experiment from the Dembo test. Before you is a vertical scale (Fig. 1). At its north pole, the most intelligent people, at the south - the most stupid. Find your place on this scale. Have you placed yourself in the middle area? No, a little higher! Did you guess? Maybe you think I can read other people's minds? No. I just know the laws of psychology.

Any person who is of sound mind and solid memory places himself here. Based on this test, you can show your loved ones a focus. Conduct an experiment with him, and then present a pre-prepared leaflet with the result. The coincidence sometimes happens down to a millimeter.

What conclusion can be drawn from this elegant experiment?

When communicating with a partner, we must remember that we are communicating with a person who has a good opinion of himself. This must be emphasized with your whole appearance, the construction of phrases during a conversation, it is also important to ensure that there are no dismissive gestures, condescending facial expressions, etc. It is best if during the conversation you always carefully look at the interlocutor, as is the case during the struggle.

In addition, the partner's answer is programmed into the question itself. And not just programmed. This is a forced answer. Try placing yourself at the north pole. Does it work? Correctly. closer to north pole place themselves usually weak-minded people. And closer to the south? It also doesn't work. Closer to the south pole are people who are deeply depressed, or wise men like Socrates, who said: "I only know that I know nothing." By the way, with this test we, as it were, measure our intelligence, the value of which is higher than the line we have noted.

If the partner's answer does not suit us (and he, as we have just established, is forced), we have asked the wrong question. Thus, in order to manage a communication partner, it is necessary to model your behavior, and he will already be forced to act as we need.

The question arises: what about the partner? We win, what will happen to him? This is the peculiarity of the psychological struggle, that there are no winners and losers. Here, either both win or both lose. Therefore, your victory will be the victory of your partner. In no case should you educate a partner. Let us remember that education ends by the age of five or seven. Further influence is called re-education. And it is possible only with the help of self-education. Everyone can re-educate only one person - himself.

Thus, the object of education is always at hand. A brilliant prospect opens up: work on yourself, your behavior, study the laws of psychological struggle. Be a wise and forgiving educator. Do not punish your ward too severely, try to persuade him. After all, re-education is restructuring, and restructuring is always difficult and painful. Be firm in the end, but soft in the means. Remember that acquiring knowledge is like winding a ball. So, into battle!

Fundamentals of depreciation

When starting communication with a view of it as a psychological struggle, one should rely on the wisdom accumulated over the centuries (biblical texts, teachings of eastern sages, etc.).

1. Do it systematically. The question is, where do you get the time? And you don't need it extra. Each of us communicates, each of us has failures. (Those who are satisfied with the results of their communication, who are loved by friends, adored by their spouse, idolized by subordinates, respected by their superiors, who never conflict, should not read this manual. These are communication geniuses. They already mastered everything on an intuitive level. ) Such failures should be carefully analyzed in the light of the knowledge gained from this book, and look only for your own mistakes. “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but you don’t feel the beam in your eye? … First take the beam out of your eye, and then you will see how to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

2. Do not be afraid of difficulties and failures. “Enter through the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many go through it; for narrow is the gate and narrow is the way that leads to life, and there are few who find it.”

3. Practice defense first, defense. Sometimes this alone is enough for successful communication. “Make peace with your rival soon, while you are still on the way with him…”

4. Do not pay attention to the ridicule of others. "Do not answer a fool according to his foolishness, lest you also become like him."

5. Do not rejoice in success, because pride precedes destruction and arrogance precedes the fall.

6. During the training period, give the initiative to the partner completely.

The depreciation principle is based on the laws of inertia, which are characteristic not only for physical bodies, but also for biological systems. To pay it off, we apply depreciation without always realizing it. And if we don’t realize it, then we don’t always use it. We use physical depreciation much more successfully. If we were pushed from a height and thus a fall was imposed, we continue the movement that was imposed on us - we absorb, thereby extinguishing the consequences of the push, and only then we stand on even legs, straighten up. If we were pushed into the water, then here we first continue the movement that was imposed on us, and only after the forces of inertia have dried up do we emerge. Athletes are specially trained in cushioning. See how a football player takes the ball, how a boxer avoids blows, and how a wrestler falls in the direction in which his opponent is pushing. At the same time, he drags the latter along with him, then adds a little of his energy and is already at the top, actually using his own strength. The principle of depreciation in interpersonal relations is also based on this.

The depreciation model is presented in The Adventures of the Good Soldier Schweik: “Schroeder stopped in front of Schweik and began to look at him.

The colonel summarized the results of his observations in one word:

I dare to report, Mr. Colonel, idiot! Schweik replied.

What does the partner expect when addressing us with certain proposals? It's not hard to guess - with our consent. The whole body, all metabolic processes, the whole psyche are tuned to this. And suddenly we refuse. How does he feel about it? Can't you imagine? Remember how you felt when you invited a partner (or partner) to a dance or a movie, and you were refused! Remember how you felt when you were denied admission to a job you were interested in, although you knew that there were no good reasons for such a refusal! Of course, it should be our way, but the first move should be depreciation. Then there is an opportunity for productive contacts in the future.

Thus, depreciation is an immediate agreement with the partner's arguments. Depreciation is direct, delayed and preventive.

Direct depreciation

Direct depreciation is often used in the process of communication in situations of “psychological stroking”, when you are complimented or flattered, invitations to cooperate, applying a “psychological blow”. Here are examples of depreciation techniques.

With "psychological stroking"

A: You look great today.

B: Thank you for the compliment! I really do look good.

The last sentence is obligatory: some make compliments insincerely with the conscious or unconscious purpose of embarrassing the partner. This answer can be completed, but if you suspect your partner of insincerity, you can add the following: I am especially pleased to hear this from you, because I have no doubts about your sincerity.

When invited to cooperate

A: We offer you the position of shop manager.

B: 1) Thank you. I agree (with consent).

2) Thank you for the interesting offer. It is necessary to think and weigh everything (if a negative answer is expected).

It should be noted that a specialist in psychological aikido gives consent after the first invitation. If the first invitation was insincere, everything immediately falls into place. Next time they won't play these games with you. If the invitation is sincere, you will be grateful for your prompt acceptance. On the other hand, when you have to make any business proposal yourself, it should also be done only once. Let's remember the rule: "To persuade is to rape." Usually, a specialist in psychological aikido does not offer anything himself, but organizes his activities in such a way that he is invited to the work that interests him.

With a "psychological shock"

A: You are stupid!

B: You are absolutely right! (avoiding a blow).

Usually two or three escapes from the attack is enough. The partner falls into a state of "psychological grog", he is disoriented, confused. You don't need to beat him anymore. I am sure of your decency, my dear reader! You will not beat a lying person unnecessarily. If absolutely necessary, the answer can be continued as follows:

How did you quickly realize that I'm a fool. I managed to hide it from everyone for so many years. With your insight, a great future awaits you! I'm just surprised that you are still not appreciated by the authorities!

To illustrate, I will describe the scene that took place in the bus.

Psychological aikido specialist M., having missed the fair sex, was the last to squeeze into the overcrowded bus. When the door closed, he began to search in his many pockets (he was wearing a jacket, trousers and a jacket) for coupons. At the same time, naturally, he caused some inconvenience to G., who was one step higher. Suddenly, a “psychological stone” was thrown at him. G. said angrily:

How much longer will you be tinkering?

Immediately followed by a depreciation response:

G: But that's how my coat can fit over my head!

M: Maybe.

G: Nothing funny!

M .: Indeed, there is nothing funny.

There was a friendly laugh. G. did not utter a single word during the whole trip.

Imagine how long the conflict would have continued if the traditional response had followed the first remark:

This is not a taxi for you, you can be patient!

Direct depreciation options have been described here. Beginners to master this technique often complain that at the moment of contact they do not have time to figure out how to cushion, and respond in their usual, conflicting style. It's not about smartness, but about the fact that many of our behavior patterns operate automatically, without the inclusion of thinking.

First of all, you should suppress them and carefully monitor the actions of the partner, his words and agree. There is no need to write anything here! Read the example again. You see, M. used his partner's "energy" - he did not come up with a single word!

Laid back depreciation

When immediate depreciation still fails, deferred depreciation can be used. If direct contact between partners has ceased, you can send an amortization letter.

A serviceman, a 42-year-old man, turned to me for psychological help. Let's call him H. His mood was depressed. Previously, he took a course of psychological aikido with me and successfully used methods of direct depreciation, which allowed him to significantly strengthen his position at work and introduce his developments into production. I even thought that he would not have any more trouble, so his visit was somewhat unexpected for me.

He told the following story. About a year and a half ago, he became interested in an employee from a neighboring department. The initiative for rapprochement came from her. She admired without measure our hero, sympathized with him when he had failures. Under his guidance, she began to master the techniques developed by him, quite successfully mastered them and became his ardent follower. She was the first to declare her love. They were already planning to start a life together, when suddenly, quite unexpectedly for him, his girlfriend suggested that they stop meeting. This happened a few days after he was offered to go into the reserve, but to remain in an institution for free employment.

It was a nuisance, but not so significant, for he could continue his studies, although the salary became much less. The break with his girlfriend, he perceived as a disaster. Everything seemed to be falling apart. He would have to depreciate here, and everything would fall into place. But he began to sort things out. This did not lead to anything, and he decided not to talk to her at all anymore, to “endure”, because he understood that everything would pass in the end. This went on for about a month. He did not see her and began to calm down. But suddenly she began to turn to him with business questions without any need, and at the same time looked at him with tenderness.

For a while, relations were getting better, but then a break followed again. This went on for another six months, until finally he realized that she was mocking him, but he could not resist her provocations. By this time, he had developed a pronounced depressive neurosis. During another quarrel, she told him that she had never loved him at all. It was the last blow. And he asked for help.

It was quite clear to me that there was no point in sending him into battle now. Then we wrote an amortization letter together.

You're absolutely right to stop our meetings. I thank you for the pleasure that you gave me, apparently out of pity. You played so skillfully that I had no doubt for a second that you loved me. You fascinated me, and I could not help but respond to your, as I then believed, feeling. There was not a single false note in it. I'm not writing this to get you back. Now this is no longer possible! If you say you love me again, how can I believe? Now I understand how hard it was for you with me! Not to love, and behave like that! And the last request. Try not to meet with me even on business. Gotta get used to it. They say time heals, although I still find it hard to believe. I wish you happiness!

All her letters and photographs were enclosed in the letter. Immediately after sending the letter H. felt great relief. And when numerous attempts of the “girlfriend” began to restore relations, calmness was already complete.

I think it makes no sense to conduct a detailed analysis of the depreciation moves of this letter. There is no reproach here. I draw your attention to one psychological subtlety, which is contained in the phrase: "Try not to meet with me even on business." Man is made in an amazing way. He always wants what is not available to him. Forbidden fruit is always sweet. And vice versa, a person tries to refuse what is being imposed on him. As soon as God forbade Adam and Eve to pick apples from a tree, they ended up near him.

As soon as H. asked his friend not to meet with him, she immediately began to seek to improve relations. When he tried to make an appointment, then nothing worked for him. In communication, prohibitions have the opposite effect. If you want to get something from a person, forbid it to him.

With the experience of writing depreciation scenarios, I became convinced that on early stages preparation is better to write a letter.

Beginners are in great emotional agitation and often, after one or two depreciation moves, they switch to the old, conflicting style of communication. In addition, the partner can read the letter several times. Each time he will be in a different psychological state. Sooner or later the letter will produce the necessary psychological effect. One girl wrote an amortization letter. I was very worried that there was no answer. He came six months later, but what an answer it was!

Preventive cushioning

The definition is given in the title itself. It can be used in industrial and family relations, in cases where the conflict follows the same stereotype, when threats and reproaches take on the same form, and the partner’s command is known in advance. A model of preventive depreciation is found in The Good Soldier Schweik. One of the heroes of the book, Lieutenant Oak, when talking to soldiers, usually said: “Do you know me? No, you don't know me! You know me on the good side, but you know me on the bad side too. I will bring you to tears." One day Schweik ran into Lieutenant Oak.

What are you doing here? he asked Schweik. - You know me?

I dare say, I would not like to know you from a bad side.

Lieutenant Oak was speechless with insolence, while Schweik calmly continued:

I dare to report, I want to know you only from the good side, so that you do not bring me to tears, as you were pleased to promise last time.

Lieutenant Oak only had the courage to yell:

Get out, rascals, we'll talk to you again!

Carnegie in such cases suggests: "Tell yourself everything that your accuser is going to do, and you will deprive the wind of his sail." Or, as the proverb says: "The sword does not cut a guilty head." Here are a few examples of preventive depreciation.

Preventive depreciation in family life

Deputy The chief designer of one of the large factories, a man aged 38, married, with children, and also leading an active social life, spoke about his problem in our classes.

Because of his frequent late coming home, he often had conflicts with his wife, with whom, in principle, he had good relationship. The reproaches had the following content: “When will this end! I don't know if I have a husband or not! Do children have a father or not! Think how indispensable! You exhibit yourself, so they load you! ” etc.

Listen to his story about an episode that happened in his family after a month of training at CROSS.

Once, after another late arrival home, I saw in the formidable silence of my wife a “psychological poker” and prepared for battle.

The dialogue began with a shout:

Why did you delay today?

Instead of excuses, I said:

Darling, I marvel at your patience. If you behaved the way I do, I would not have survived for a long time. After all, look what happens: the day before yesterday he came late, yesterday - late, today he promised to come early - as luck would have it, late again.

Wife (with anger):

Drop your psychological stuff!

(She knew about my activities.)

Me (guilty):

Yes and here psychology. You have a husband and at the same time he is practically absent. Children do not see their father. I could have arrived earlier.

Wife (not so menacing, but still dissatisfied):

Okay, come on.

I silently undress, wash my hands and go into the room, sit down and start reading something. The wife at this time is just finishing frying pies. I was hungry, it smelled very tasty, but I didn't go to the kitchen. The wife entered the room and asked with some tension:

Why aren't you going to eat? Come on, somewhere already fed!

Me (guilty):

No, I'm very hungry, but I don't deserve it.

Wife (somewhat softer):

Okay, go eat.

I ate only one pie and continue to sit. Wife (cautiously):

What, pies taste bad?

Me (still guilty):

No, the pies are delicious, but I didn't deserve them.

Wife (very gently, even with affection):

Well, okay. Eat as much as you like.

In this tone, the conversation continued for about a minute. The conflict was over.

Previously, a spat could last several days.

Preventive depreciation in service relations

Amazingly simple, but almost no one uses it! You need to come to the boss and say something like this: “I came so that you scold me. You know what I did…” Here are three examples.

D. was a qualified turner, but quite often he was ill and thus caused displeasure of his boss, who, in a face-to-face conversation, suggested that he resign. After successfully learning the techniques of psychological struggle, he felt good and confident. And this is what he came up with. Having worked well for two weeks, he wrote a letter of resignation and, without setting a date, came to an appointment with his boss and said the following:

I understand that I was a burden at work, but now I'm healthy.

So that you have no doubts about this, I brought you a letter of resignation of my own free will without a date. I put myself completely at your disposal. As soon as I fail you again, set a date and fire me.

The chief looked at D. with surprise and undisguised interest. Refused to take the application. Since then, relations have become simply warm, and D. has gained self-confidence.

And here is an example of preventive (anticipatory) depreciation in production. E., a safety engineer, having become interested in psychology while practicing psychological aikido, decided to retrain in the profile of engineering psychology. To do this, she had to enroll in 3-year paid courses in the psychological department of the university, and receive funds to pay for training at work. Here's how she did it.

E. made an appointment with the director and was the last to enter. He looked tense and tired. E. began like this:

I am the last one, and I do not have a request for you, but an offer.

The director relaxed and began to look at E. more calmly and even with some interest. E. continued:

It should bring great benefits to production, but first it will be necessary to spend huge amounts of money.

If you cannot accept this offer, there will be no complaints, and forgive me in advance for impudence.

The tension immediately subsided, and he calmly and even somewhat complacently asked E. to continue. When she presented the essence of the matter, he asked how much it would cost. E. named the amount of 2,000 rubles, he laughed merrily (the enterprise "turned" millions) and gave his consent:

Well, these are trifles!

And the last example of preventive depreciation. D., who has been trained by us, believes that the knowledge and skills he received in the psychological aikido classes, if not saved his life, then at least helped to maintain his health and made his life in the army not so painful. He got into the service in the construction team. Here is one of the cases that helped D. gain credibility.

Our department dined in a civilian canteen with special coupons. She didn't work that day. The squad leader tried to organize meals on coupons in another canteen, but he failed to do this, as he demanded and shouted. Then I offered my help.

He went to the head of the dining room and turned to her with the words:

I have a big request for you. If you refuse, I will not be offended by you, because I understand that it is very difficult.

I outlined the essence of the matter, asked her to think about how to feed 12 soldiers who are fit for her sons. And she did! We were fed, and then the coupons were handed over to our canteen and received money.

Summary

Depreciation is agreement with all the statements of the enemy. There are three types of depreciation: direct, delayed and preventive. Basic principles of depreciation:

1. Accept compliments calmly.

2. If the offer suits you, agree the first time.

3. Do not offer your services. Help when you've done your part.

4. Offer cooperation only once.

5. Don't wait to be criticized, criticize yourself.

Now is the time to rest, put the book aside for a few days and try to apply the techniques discussed in life. This will greatly facilitate the perception of the material, which is presented in Chap. 2.

2. THE THEORY OF SUPPORT, A LITTLE BORING BUT NECESSARY

The principle of depreciation was developed on the basis of the study of I practical application transactional analysis - a psychotherapeutic method discovered and developed by the Californian psychotherapist E. Berne in the 50-70s of our century. Communication, as I pointed out above, is one of the most essential human needs. Hunger for communication, E. Bern points out, has a lot in common with food hunger. Therefore, “gastronomic” parallels are appropriate here.

The need for communication

Rational nutrition should include a complete set of nutrients, vitamins, microelements, etc. A deficiency of one of them will cause a corresponding type of hunger. So communication can be complete only if all its needs are satisfied, if it has all the ingredients. - There are several types of hunger for communication.

Hunger for stimulation develops in the absence of stimuli necessary for communication, i.e. in a situation of total loneliness. In infants deprived of the necessary contact with people in orphanages, irreversible changes occur in the psyche, which subsequently prevent a person from adapting to social life. An adult who does not have special training, in conditions of loneliness, dies on the 5-10th day.

But the satisfaction of hunger only for stimulation cannot make communication complete. So, having got on a business trip to a city of millions or on vacation at a crowded resort, we can experience sharp feeling loneliness, if we cannot satisfy another kind of communicative hunger - the hunger for recognition. That is why we try to make new acquaintances and friends in a new place so that we can get to know them later! That is why we are happy to meet in a foreign city a person with whom we did not maintain special relations at the place of residence! But even this is not enough.

It is also necessary to eliminate the hunger to satisfy the need for communication. It develops when a person is forced to communicate with people who are not deeply interested in him, and the communication itself is formal.

Then you need to satisfy the hunger for events. Even if there are people around you who are deeply sympathetic to you, but nothing new happens, the same events repeat in the same sequence, boredom develops. So, we are tired of the record, which until recently we listened to with great pleasure. That is why People gossip with great pleasure when some scandalous story with their good acquaintance suddenly becomes known. This immediately refreshes communication.

There is still a hunger for achievement. It is necessary to achieve some result that you aspired to, to master some skill. A person rejoices when he suddenly starts to succeed.

But even this is not enough. It is also necessary to satisfy the hunger for recognition. Thus, an athlete performs at competitions, although he has already shown record results in training, a writer tries to publish a written book, and a scientist tries to defend an already prepared dissertation. And it's not just about financial rewards.

We don’t just eat food, but we cook some dishes from them and we can remain dissatisfied if we haven’t eaten borscht or drunk compote for a long time. Structural hunger stands out. We exchange greetings (rituals), work (procedures), have conversations during breaks (entertainment), love, conflict. Lack of some form of communication can lead to structural starvation. For example, if a person only works and does not have fun at all.

And if many books are written about tasty and healthy food, then why do we pay so little attention to the gastronomy of communication?! Indeed, because of this, instead of a delicious menu of joyful and productive contact, we serve burnt, dried, and often rotten, poisonous dishes of intrigue, conflict and contention from the same source products!

Communication with oneself (structural analysis)

Let's try to trace how communication is prepared and what initial products are used to prepare it. Here is a young engineer making a presentation at a conference. He has one posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. This is an Adult person who objectively assesses reality. He comes home, and his wife asks him right from the door to throw out the garbage. And before us is another person - a capricious Child. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. And in the morning, when he is already leaving for work, his son accidentally spills a glass of cherry juice on his light, carefully ironed suit. And again before us is another person - a formidable Parent. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, intonation, facial expressions, gestures.

Studying the communication of people, E. Berne described three I-states that each person has and which, in turn, and sometimes together, go to external communication. I-states are normal psychological phenomena of the human personality: Parent (P) - Adult (B) - Child (D) (Fig. 2.). All of them are necessary for life. A child is the source of our desires, inclinations, needs. Here joy, intuition, creativity, fantasy, curiosity, spontaneous activity. But here are also fears, whims, discontent. In addition, in the Child - all psychic energy. For whom do we live? For the Child! It may be the best part of our personality.

An adult is necessary for survival. The child wants, the Adult fulfills. An adult crosses the street, climbs mountains, makes an impression, obtains food, builds a dwelling, sews clothes, and so on. The Adult controls the actions of the Parent and the Child.

If the action is performed frequently and starts automatically, simply because it is customary, then the Parent appears here. This is an autopilot that guides our ship correctly in normal conditions What frees the Adult from making routine everyday decisions is also the brakes that automatically keep us from reckless actions. The parent is our conscience. Mottos of the Child - I want, I like it; Adult - expedient, useful; Parent - must, can not. And happy is a man if he wants, expediently and must have the same content! For example, I want to write this book, it is expedient to write this book, I must write this book.

If the desires of the Child are satisfied in a timely manner, they look moderate and are not difficult to fulfill. The delay in meeting the need leads either to its disappearance or to excesses. This happens, for example, when a person restricts himself in food; he becomes a glutton or loses his appetite.

If the surrounding reality does not change, the organism switches to automatic control, and all the desires of the Child, his safety are transferred to the jurisdiction of the Parent. Habitual actions require minimal energy expenditure, and prohibitions become less perceptible. An adult at this point can deal with other problems. Actions look expedient, even reasonable, but consciousness practically does not participate in them, there is no thinking here. This becomes obvious when the situation suddenly changes, the control of the Adult weakens, and the rigid, conservative programs of the Parent force the personality to automatically perform obsolete, but expedient actions in the past. So, a young flirtatious girl, automatically using cosmetics, becomes even more attractive. Time passes, and if the Adult does not control the actions of the Parent, then the same tricks make her old and ugly.

Leaders, parents, teachers, in general, all of us should remember that the programs of the Parent, especially those acquired in early childhood, can be very stable. It takes a lot of effort and special techniques to destroy them. The Parent in his demands becomes aggressive, forces the Adult to work, harms the Child, due to whose energy he himself exists. I will illustrate this with one example.

I once advised my listeners at one of the classes to treat their guests two hours after their arrival with sandwiches, tea, and sweets. Objections immediately poured in: “Who will visit us then? What will they say about us? How is it that guests will come, and I will not prepare a good treat? The pressure of the Parent is so strong that all the powers of the mind of the Adult are directed to the performance of unreasonable deeds. They buy ten times more food than they need, eat five times more than the Child needs. In any hospital they will tell you that most of the patients come in with myocardial infarction, perforated stomach ulcers, alcoholic psychoses after the holidays. As you can see, the rigid programs of the Parent that have got out of the control of the Adult are not so harmless!

Another danger comes from the Parent. It often has powerful prohibition programs that prevent the individual from satisfying his needs, prohibitions: "Don't get married until you get higher education”, “Never meet on the street”, etc. For a while they hold back the Child, but then the energy of unsatisfied needs destroys the dam of prohibitions. When the Child (I want to) and the Parent (I can't) quarrel with each other, and the Adult cannot reconcile them, an internal conflict develops, a person is torn apart by contradictions. And “when there is no agreement among the comrades, their business will not go smoothly and it will not work out, only flour.”

The student of psychological struggle in the process of training must analyze the content of his Parent, destroy unnecessary restrictions and develop new skills, and this is quite possible.

For example, let's take a few fragments from D. London's novel "Martin Eden". A young sailor, Martin Eden, falls in love with a bourgeois girl, Ruth Morse. She also developed an attraction to Martin. The novel is deeply psychological. Some of its episodes clearly illustrate the struggle between the Child and the Parent, which is the essence of the intrapersonal conflict. At different stages, the Adult takes the side of the Child, then the side of the Parent.

Consider the scene where Martin Eden first came to the Morses. Before he crossed the threshold, he awkwardly pulled off his cap from his head. In the spacious hall, he somehow immediately found himself out of place. He did not know what to do with his cap, and was about to stuff it into his pocket, but at that time Arthur took the cap from his hands and did it so simply and naturally that the guy was touched.

Huge rooms seemed to be too small for his sweeping gait - he was always afraid to catch his shoulder on the door frame or brush a trinket off the fireplace. His big hands dangled helplessly, he didn't know what to do with them. And when it seemed to him that he was about to touch the books on the table, he recoiled like a frightened horse, and almost knocked over the stool at the piano. Beads of sweat beaded on his forehead, and stopping, he wiped his face with a handkerchief, looked around the room with a concentrated look, but there was still anxiety in this look, like a wild animal fearing a trap. He was surrounded by the unknown - afraid of what awaited him, did not know what to do.

What is interesting here from the point of view of structural analysis? Martin Eden found himself in an unfamiliar environment. His Parent's program did not have the automated behaviors necessary for this situation. His Adult took control. And although he looked awkward, it was he who thought, and not Arthur, although his behavior was “simple and natural”, as it came from the Parent.

But here comes Ruth. She spoke freely and easily (the work of Parent Ruth). From the further presentation it is clear that she, without thinking, recounted the opinion of her environment. But suddenly she caught his blazing gaze. No man had ever looked at her like that, and the look confused her. She stuttered and fell silent. The thread of reasoning suddenly eluded her. This man frightened her, and at the same time, for some reason, she was pleased that he was looking at her like that (the Child, crushed by the Parents, comes to life). The skills instilled in her upbringing (Parent) warned her against the danger and power of this insidious charm; but instinct (the Child) rang in her blood, demanding that she forget who she was and what she was, and rush to meet the visitor from another world.

And while Martin Eden spoke, Ruth looked at him with admiration. His fire kept her warm. For the first time she felt that she lived without knowing warmth. She wanted to cling to a powerful, ardent man, in whom a volcano of strength and health bubbled (the desire of the Child). The desire was so strong that she could hardly contain herself (Adult and Parent). But at the same time, something (Parent) pushed her away from Martin. Repelled by these wounded hands, the skin of which seemed to be ingrained with worldly dirt, these swollen muscles, a neck rubbed with a collar. His rudeness frightened her. Each rude word offended the ear (not the ear, but the Parent). And yet she was drawn to him by some kind of, as it seemed to her, satanic force. Everything that was so firmly established in her brain suddenly began to waver (attacks on Ruth's Parent). His life overturned all its usual conditional ideas. Life no longer seemed to her something serious and difficult, but rather a toy that is pleasant to play with, turn in all directions, but which can be given away without much regret. “Here you are playing,” an inner voice told her, “snuggle up to him, if you feel like it, hug him by the neck.” She was horrified by the frivolity of these motives, but in vain she forced herself to think about her purity, her culture - about everything that distinguished her from him. Looking around, Ruth saw that the others were listening to him as if spellbound, but in the eyes of her mother she read the same horror, enthusiastic, but still horror, and this gave her strength (received support from the Mother's Parent). Yes, this man, who came from the darkness, is a product of evil. Ruth was ready to rely on her mother's judgment, as she always used to rely on. Martin's flame ceased to burn her, and the fear that he inspired in her lost its sharpness (the Parent "crushed" the Child).

Martin Eden fell in love with Ruth and decided to become his own among them. He managed to rebuild the program of his Parent, to enrich his Adult with knowledge. A year later, at a party, Ruth Martin talked with the chief accountant for fifteen minutes, and Ruth could not get enough of her lover. His eyes never lit up, his cheeks never flushed, and Ruth marveled at the calmness with which he carried on the conversation (the Parent is working, with a little help from the Adult). But the conversation interested him. Martin did not wave his arms, but Ruth meticulously noted a special gleam in his eyes, that his voice gradually begins to rise and the color rushes to his cheeks (the action of the Child). But Martin thought very little now about outward appearances! He saw how knowledgeable and how widely educated his interlocutor ( teamwork Adult and Child, who is unobtrusively helped by the Parent).

Gradually, as the formation new program Parent, Adult Martina is increasingly freed from routine work and begins to understand the situation and his beloved. Martin realized that for Ruth "the joy of creativity" - empty words. True, she often used them in conversation, and for the first time Martin heard about the joy of creativity from her lips. She'd read about it, heard it in lectures by university professors, even mentioned it when she was taking her Bachelor of Arts degree. But she herself was alien to the originality of thought, any creative impulse, and could only repeat what she memorized from other people's words. Therefore, she could not appreciate the work of her fiancé, could not imagine that one could become a writer without a diploma (the action of the Parent, which prevents her from seeing life in its true light).

The grown-up Martin cannot provide Ruth with what he needs. financial situation. And when Martin got into a scandalous story, Ruth's inner Parent and actual parents defeated her Child. There was a break in relations.

For Martin it ended tragically. The former Parent was destroyed and could not protect him in the same way as Ruth protected her Parent, although he deprived her of happiness. Creativity alone was not enough for his Child. It lost its usual social circle, did not acquire a new one, love collapsed. There was an acute communicative hunger, although there were many people around. Martin failed to save his Child from depression.

Communication with a partner (transactional analysis)

Parallel transactions

In each of us there are, as it were, three people who often do not get along with each other. When people are together, sooner or later they begin to communicate with each other. If A. addresses B., then he sends him a communicative stimulus.

B. answers him. This is a communicative response. Stimulus and response can be called a transaction, which is a unit of communication. Thus, the latter can be viewed as a series of transactions. B.'s answer becomes a stimulus for A.

When two people communicate, they enter into a systemic relationship with each other. If A. starts communication, and B. answers him, A.'s further actions depend on B's answer. And now, my dear reader, we are in a systemic relationship with you. Your reactions depend on what I wrote, but my further actions depend on your reactions. If you like the book, you will recommend it to others, write me your wishes and the circulation will sell out quickly, this will stimulate me to write new books. If what is written here does not arouse your interest, then my actions will be completely different.

The goal of transactional analysis is to find out which I-state A. sent the communicative stimulus and which I-state B. gave the answer. Most often, the stimulus and response comes from the Adult. These are honest simple transactions that usually take place during productive work. The bricklayer lays brickwork, and the assistant, correctly assessing the speed of his work, brings bricks and mortar in time. The professor is giving a lecture, and the students are carefully taking notes.

What time is it now?

A quarter to eight.

We exchange information along the B-B line. Such a transaction can be called parallel (Fig. 4, a). Parallel transactions also include R-R and D-D.

A .: The students do not want to study at all.

B .: Yes, before curiosity was higher.

A .: And what if you go to the cinema after the last lecture?

B: Yes, it's a good idea.

There is no conflict here and never will be. On the B-B line we work, on the line D-D love, have fun, gossip along the R-R line. These transactions proceed in such a way that the partners are psychologically equal to each other. These are transactions of psychological equality - the first type. The analysis of parallel transactions allowed Berne to formulate the most important law of communication: as long as transactions are parallel, the process of communication will proceed smoothly and for a long time.

The second type of parallel transactions - D-R and R-D - arises in a situation of guardianship, suppression, care (R-D) (Fig. 5, a) or helplessness, whim, admiration of D-R (Fig. 5, b). These are transactions of psychological inequality. And in this case as long as the vectors match, there will be no conflict. Sometimes such relationships can last quite a long time. The father takes care of his son, the boss tyrannizes his subordinates. Children are forced to endure the pressure of their parents until a certain age, the subordinate is forced to endure the bullying of the boss. But there will definitely come a time when someone will get tired of patronizing, and someone will be patronized, someone will not withstand tyranny.

You can calculate in advance when these relationships will end in a break. Let's think about when? It is not difficult to guess that these relationships are maintained existing links along the B-B line. It is clear that they will end when B-B relationship exhaust themselves, i.e. the gap will occur when the children cease to depend financially on their parents, and the subordinate receives a high qualification for material wealth. That's why many employees leave as soon as they finish their dissertation, move to a new apartment, and so on.

If the relationship persists after that, then a conflict will certainly develop, a struggle begins. As on an unbalanced scale, the one who was below will tend to rise up and bring down the one who was above. In extreme terms relations R-D- this is a slavish-tyrannical relationship. Let's consider them in a little more detail.

What is the slave thinking? Certainly not about freedom! He thinks and dreams of becoming a tyrant! Slavery and tyranny are not so much external relations as a state of mind. In every slave sits a tyrant, and in a tyrant a slave. You can formally be a slave, but remain free in your soul. When the philosopher Diogenes was taken into slavery and put up for sale, a potential buyer asked him:

What can you do?

Diogenes replied:

Rule the people!

Then he asked the herald:

Announce if anyone wants to buy a master?

Analyze your relationships in the family or at work. If you are in the position of a slave, the depreciation technique will allow you to feel like a free person and get out of slave dependence on your oppressor, even if he is your boss. If you yourself are in the position of a tyrant, establishing equal relations requires special techniques.

F. was brought to the school of psychological struggle with a strained relationship with his eldest son, 12 years old, who at that time was finishing the sixth grade. The following fact testified to his success in studies: on one page he sometimes had up to 30 errors. Reproaches and threats like “Where do your hands grow from?”, “What will come of you?”, “Who will need you?”, “You will become a janitor!”, “Look how your parents studied!” etc. no longer had an effect. It was impossible to force him to at least once check what was written. Parents were called to school. After the next “pumping” at home, the state of affairs only worsened.

An analysis of the situation shows that the style of communication in the family followed the type of parallel transaction of psychological inequality in the slavish-tyrannical version. By the time my father applied to CROSS, these relations no longer satisfied both parties, they had outlived their usefulness. It would be correct to immediately translate these relations into B-B line? Of course not! It is strategically correct in this case to make sure that the father falls into psychological slavery for some time, and the son becomes more attentive when doing homework, i.e. the father should go "down" to the position of the Child, and the son should be raised to the position of the Parent. And if the son takes the position of the Parent, then he will act like a father. After the strategy was found, a tactical device was born.

I have already said that the more you forbid a person, the more he wants to do it. And if you demand something from him, then this is what he does not want to do. That's why my student's son refused to check his work. After all, he was forced to do it! So, first of all, do not force, threaten, forbid! I would make this the main motto when raising children. The fewer prohibitions and coercions, the better the relationship. Now listen to F.

When I got acquainted with the theory of communication and the technique of depreciation, I went up to my son and told him with a challenge: - Weakly give! I can write without a single mistake! I think that in this way I managed to descend to the position of the Child. In addition, I was already familiar with the projection principle: "If a person makes mistakes himself, he is convinced that others will make mistakes." Therefore, I knew in advance how our conversation would go.

Son: It can't be.

Me: I can bet. For every mistake I find, I will pay you 10 kopecks.

Son: Without cheating?

Me: Have I ever lied to you?

In the presence of my wife and younger son, according to all the rules of the guys in our yard, we argued. I copied his text with his mistakes and gave it to him for verification.

I have never seen my son working on a text with such enthusiasm! On the offer to use the school spelling dictionary he responded with a categorical refusal. He took a large dictionary of 102,000 words and checked every word. There were many mistakes. As soon as he found an error, he immediately said something like:

Dad, I wonder how they gave you a matriculation certificate in general, and even with a medal? Where do your hands grow from? What's the handwriting? How are you still at work?

He held himself important. There was a squeamishly condescending expression on his face. My wife claimed that it was my copy. To be honest, I didn't like myself. But it was very instructive to see yourself from the outside. And immediately certain provisions of psychology about the rules of education reached the heart: words do not educate; children become like their parents, only worse; children need to be shown how to live, not told.

I pounced on the study of psychology. He began to reprint the rules of communication and give them to his son for verification. I made a lot of mistakes, and my son found them all. Along the way, he learned the rules of communication. Do you think if I forced him to do it, I would have succeeded? Gradually, the son's behavior became better, and after three months there were no more mistakes. In class, he began to talk about his knowledge to his comrades. A year later, he was already an excellent student. Our relations improved and took on the character of cooperation. The son became frank with me. Agree, this is a great achievement.

But then we got even closer. Once he asked for pocket money, I offered him to earn it himself, since there was no free money in the family. He agreed, but said he did not know where to find a job. I used the services of a typist and offered to do this job to him with the same terms of payment. With with great difficulty within a month he earned 15 rubles, bought some kind of toy, which broke the next day. I kept my wife from unnecessary lectures. He was very worried, but did not cry, but with a deep sigh said:

Have to! How many worked, and bought some nonsense.

So I was subsequently spared from mopeds, "companies", tape recorders. No, he has something, but within the framework of our material capabilities, there were no scandals. Psychology classes also had a significant material effect.

So, my dear reader, it has already become clear to you theoretical background depreciation principle. It is necessary to see what position your partner is in and to know in which your I-state the communicative stimulus is directed. Your answer should become parallel. Now once again return to those examples which are resulted in gl.1. "Psychological strokes" and compliments go along the D-R line, a proposal for cooperation - on the B-B line, and "psychological blows" - on the R-D line.

Below we describe some of the signs by which you can quickly diagnose the condition in which your partner is.

Parent. Pointing finger, the figure resembles the letter F. On the face - indulgence or contempt, often - a wry smile. Heavy look down. Sits leaning back. Everything is clear to him, he knows some secret that is not available to others. He loves common truths and expressions: “I will not tolerate this”, “To be done immediately”, “Is it really difficult to understand!”, “The horse understands!”, “Here you are absolutely wrong”, “I fundamentally disagree with this” , “What idiot came up with this?”, “You didn’t understand me”, “Who does that!”, “How much can I tell you?”, “You are obliged ...”, “Shame on you!”, “You can’t ...” , "No way!" etc.

Adult. The gaze is directed at the object, the body seems to move forward, the eyes are somewhat dilated or narrowed. On the face - an expression of attention, through which you can see the curious Child. Uses expressions:

“Sorry, I didn’t understand you, please explain again”, “I probably didn’t explain clearly, so I was refused”, “Let’s think”, “What if we do this”, “How do you plan to fulfill this job? etc.

Child. Both posture and facial expression match internal state- joy, grief, fear, anxiety, etc. Often exclaims: “Excellent!”, “Wonderful!”, “I want!”, “I don’t want!”, “Tired!”, “Tired!”, “Damn it all!”, “Let it burn with fire!”, “ No, you are just amazing!”, “I love you!”, “I don’t agree for anything!”, “Why do I need this!”, “When will it all end!”

Crossed transactions (mechanisms of conflict)

Any person, even the most conflicted one, does not conflict all the time.

Consequently, it absorbs, enters into communication, which is in the nature of parallel transactions. If people did not behave at least sometimes correctly, they would die. The conflict goes on crossing transactions.

In family ( classic example E. Berna):

Husband: Honey, can you tell me where my cufflinks are? (B-B).

1) You're not little anymore, it's time for you to know where your cufflinks are!

2) Where you left them! (R-D).

In the shop:

Customer: Can you tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs? (B-B).

Seller: Do you have no eyes?! (R-D).

In production:

A .: Can you tell me which brand is better to use here? (B-B).

B .: Is it time for you to know these elementary things? (R-D).

Husband: If my house was in order, I could find my things! (R D).

Wife: If you would help me a little, I could manage the household! (R-D).

Husband: We don't have such a big farm. Be quick. If your mother had not spoiled you as a child, you would have managed. Do you see that I have no time? (R-D).

Wife: If your mom taught you to help, didn't serve you breakfast in bed, you would find time to help me! (R-D).

The further course of events is clear: they will sort out all relatives up to the seventh generation, they will remember all the insults that they inflicted on each other. It is possible that one of them has high blood pressure and will be forced to leave the battlefield! And after the scandal, they will have to look for cufflinks together. Wouldn't it be better to do it right away? Let's look at the conflict diagram

The first move of the husband was along the B-B line. But, apparently, the wife has a very touchy Child and a powerful Parent, or maybe she was "wound up" in another place (for example, at work). Therefore, she perceived her husband's request as pressure on the Child. Who usually stands up for the child? Of course, parent. So her Parent rushed to the defense of the Child, pushing the Adult into the background. The same thing happened with my husband. The wife pricked the child of her husband. This led to the fact that the energy of the latter hit the Parent, who discharged reproaches and pricked the Child of the wife, which “recharged” his Parent. It is clear that there will be a scandal until the energy of the Child of one of the partners is depleted. In general, the psychological conflict goes to destruction. Either someone leaves the battlefield, or a disease develops. Sometimes one of the partners is forced to give in, but in practice this does little, since there is no inner peace. Many believe that they have good psychological preparation, as they manage to maintain external equanimity despite internal tension. But this is the path to illness!

And now let us return again to the structure of psychological conflict. Look at the diagram again. All aspects of personality are involved here. There are six people on external communication. This is the market! Relationships are revealed:

The wife's parent got into a fight with the husband's child. The child of the husband sorts things out with the Parent of the wife, the quiet voice of the Adult husband and wife is not heard, drowned out by the cry of the Parent and the crying of the Child. But only the Adult does the work! Scandal takes away the energy that should go to productive activities. You can't fight and work at the same time. In times of conflict, things stand. After all, you still have to look for cufflinks.

I'm not against conflict at all. But we need business conflicts that go along the line B-B. At the same time, positions are clarified, opinions are polished, people become closer to each other.

And what happened to our heroes in the store? If the buyer's Parent is weak, his Child will cry and he will leave the store without a purchase, complaining about life. But if its Parent is no less powerful than the seller's Parent, then the dialogue will go as follows:

Customer: She also asks if I have eyes! I don't know if you will have them now! I know what you're doing here all day while I'm working hard! (R-D).

Seller: Look, what a business turned up! Take my place! (R-D).

You can imagine further continuation of the conversation. Most often, a queue intervenes in the conflict, which is divided into two parties. One supports the seller, the other supports the buyer. But the most important thing is that the seller will name the price! Isn't it better to do it right away?

In production, the situation is more complicated. If A. depends on B. for work, he may remain silent, but negative emotions, especially if such cases occur frequently, A. will accumulate. The defusing of the conflict can come when A. gets out of the influence of B., and B. makes some inaccuracy.

In the described situations, the Husband, the Buyer, A. see themselves as the suffering party. But nevertheless, they could get out of these provisions with honor if they had mastered the technique of depreciation. How would the dialogue proceed then?

In family:

Husband: Yes, I'm not small, it's time for me to know where my cufflinks are. But you see how dependent I am. But you are so economic to me. You know everything. I believe that you will teach me this too, and so on. (D-R).

In the shop:

Customer: I really don't have eyes. What a freak you are. No one notices this, but you have wonderful eyes, and now you will tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs (DR). (I witnessed this scene. The whole line laughed. The seller, at a loss, named the price of the goods.)

In production:

A: It's time for me to really know that. As soon as you have the patience to repeat the same thing to us a thousand times! (D-R).

In all these depreciation responses, the Child of our heroes answered the Parent of the offenders. Ho controlled the actions of the Child Adult.

I hope, my dear reader, that in some cases depreciation has already begun to work for you, but still you sometimes fall into the old style of communication. Do not rush to blame yourself. All students of psychological struggle go through this stage. After all, many of you lived with the desire to command, but here, at least outwardly, you have to obey. It does not work right away because there is no necessary psychological flexibility.

What is psychological flexibility?

Look again at fig. 2. Those places where the Adult is connected with the Parent and the Child can be called the joints of the soul. With good psychological flexibility, the relationship between these parts can easily change. If there is no psychological flexibility, the joints of the soul grow together (Fig. 8). Parent and Child obscure the field of activity intended for the Adult. The adult then is not engaged in productive activity, but fulfills the whims of the Child. There is no money, but the Parent demands to treat, arrange a magnificent holiday. There is no real danger, but the Child requires extra effort for unnecessary protection. If the Adult is always busy with the affairs of the Parent (prejudices) or the Child (fears, illusions), he loses his independence and ceases to understand what is happening in the outside world, he becomes a recorder of events. I understood everything, but I could not help myself ... "

Thus, the first task of a student of psychological struggle is to master the ability to remain in an adult position. What needs to be done for this? How to restore mobility in the joints of the soul? How to stay objective as an Adult? Thomas Harris advises to become sensitive to the signals of the Parent and the Child, which work automatically. Wait if in doubt. It is useful to program into the Adult questions: “Is this true?”, “Does it apply?”, “Where did I get this idea from?” When you're in a bad mood, ask why your Parent hits your Child. You need to take the time to make big decisions. Your Adult must be constantly trained. You can't learn navigation during a storm.

Another task is to bring your communication partner into an adult position. Most often, this has to be done in the service, when you receive a categorical order from your boss to complete a task that is not possible. It usually goes along the R-D line. The first move is depreciation, and then the business question is asked. At the same time, the thinking of the communication partner is stimulated and he becomes in the position of an Adult.

Chief: Do it immediately! (R-D).

Subordinate: Okay. (D-R). But as? (B-B).

Chief: Think for yourself! What are you here for? (R-D).

Subordinate: If I could think like you, then I would be the boss and you the subordinate. (D-R).

Usually, after two or three depreciation moves (the Child of the boss is not affected), the Parent's energy is depleted, and since there is no new energy coming in, the partner descends to the position of the Adult.

During a conversation, you should always look into the eyes of a partner - this is the position of an Adult, in extreme cases, upwards, as if surrendering to mercy - the position of a Child. Under no circumstances should you look down. This is the position of the attacking Parent.

Summary

Each of us has three self-states: Parent, Adult and Child.

The unit of communication is a transaction, consisting of a stimulus and a response.

Transactions are parallel when the stimulus and response vectors coincide, and crossover when the vectors intersect. With parallel transactions, communication goes on indefinitely (the first law of communication), with intersecting transactions, it stops and a conflict develops (the second law of communication).

The principle of depreciation is based on the ability to determine the direction of the stimulus vector and strictly reverse direction give an answer.

Business communication goes along the B-B line. To bring a partner into the position of an Adult, you must first agree, and then ask a question.

3. PRIVATE DEPRECIATION

Depreciation in service

From my point of view, a "strong-willed" leader, i.e. one that screams, threatens, demands, punishes, takes revenge, pursues - a stupid leader. Firstly, he himself does not think, because he is in the position of the Parent, and secondly, by stimulating the Child of the subordinate, he blocks the mind of the performer and dooms the case to failure.

A smart leader explains, asks questions, listens to other people's opinions, supports the initiative of subordinates, usually is in the position of an Adult. It seems that he is not in command, but he is being commanded. Such a leader can safely go on vacation, and his absence will not adversely affect the state of affairs. But now let's talk about subordinates.

One of my students, a teacher of mathematics at the university L. (by the way, mathematicians, as a rule, easily learn the principle of depreciation), was in conflict with his head of the department. On the advice of his friends, he turned to me for advice. The last conflict arose on the following soil. Once a month, a conference is held at their department, which is attended by mathematicians from other countries. educational institutions; gathering about 150 people. Our hero entered the auditorium five minutes before the start of the conference. Standing in the aisle, he peacefully talked with acquaintances whom he had not seen for quite a long time. The audience was not entirely clean, but he had nothing to do with cleaning.

At that moment, the head of the department O. appeared and a dialogue began between them.

O. (tensely): Look, dirt!

L. (bewildered): But these are not my duties.

O. (with undisguised irritation): You see, you don't care about the honor of the collective! You can get past the mud, but I can't! I alone have to delve into everything!

L. (lowering his head and looking frowningly): What should I have done?

O. (with annoyance): Couldn't they have organized the cleaning? If you had removed it yourself, nothing would have happened to you!

L. then complained to his friend:

Here's an old fool! Why is he attached to me? He does not know who is responsible for cleaning?!

Let's analyze psychological structure this dialogue and find the error L. The partner's error is obvious, it has no special significance for us. O. indicated the presence of dirt in the audience (B-B). And L. began to talk about the functional duties of employees. Did the head of the department know them? Of course he did. Therefore, the direction of the response vector was along the R-D line. The psychological content of such an answer is: “Old fool! Don't you know that teachers don't clean classrooms?!

Thus, communication took the form of crossed transactions. L. pricked Child O. It threw energy into the position of the Parent, from where an injection into Child L followed. In L.'s complaint to a friend, when he called the boss an old fool, the psychological, hidden content became apparent.

Such an analysis became the basis for working out the depreciation technique.

When the conference was again scheduled a month later, L. took up his starting position in the aisle five minutes before the start. O. entered the audience. This time the dialogue went like this:

O. (tensely): Look, dirt!

L. (looking directly into the eyes of O.): Yes, dirt!

On the face of O. bewilderment. He is silent.

L. (continues sympathetically): You see, no one cares about the honor of the collective. Everyone walks past the dirt! You have to delve into everything!

O. is silent, but confusion is replaced by bewilderment. It is felt that he can not figure out what to answer.

L. (continues already with enthusiasm. He realized that the initiative was in his hands): If I had come 20 minutes earlier, I would have organized the cleaning. Worst case scenario, I would remove it myself. Nothing would happen to me!

O. (Recovering a little, with increasing tension): What else was missing! I know who should do it! Ask Lyudmila Prokofievna to come to my office after the lecture (laboratory assistant responsible for cleaning the audience. - M.L.)

Commenting on this dialogue is quite simple. Here you can easily see the methods of direct and preventive depreciation. Deserves analysis only the last remark of L. and the answer to it. L. correctly used the phenomenon of identification in it when he himself suggested sweeping the audience. Due to the fact that both L. and O. belong to the teaching staff, then in the head, or maybe in the subconscious, the head of the department had the idea that soon he would have to clean the room. Therefore, his reaction to L. was not unexpected.

The use of depreciation techniques allowed L. to quickly establish relations with his superiors. I still maintain friendly relations with him. He has already defended PhD thesis, close to completion and doctoral. Without established relationships, this would not have been possible. Satisfies him and the fact that he did not have to crawl for this.

Another case of direct and prophylactic depreciation was told to me by P., my former patient, aged 25, a group II disabled person due to craniocerebral trauma, who, after 16 days of training in psychological struggle in a hospital, got rid of not only tics that he had suffered for 15 years, but he also acquired communication skills that dramatically changed his character and life circumstances for the better. Listen to his story.

After leaving the hospital, my life took a different turn. I stopped twitching my hand, i.e. got rid of the obsessive movement, to which he was so used that he considered it impossible to stop it ever. Then the thought flashed through my mind: if I got rid of this, apparently, I can get rid of other things that interfere with me. In any case, it is worth a try, because I have already had a good experience that has refuted my ideas about myself.

At work, I asked to clearly define the scope of my duties, taking into account my state of health (preventive depreciation. - ML). Previously, it was very vague, you could include anything in it. This caused various complaints addressed to me by the authorities. Now I showed firmness, started a special diary, where I began to write down the work plan, which I coordinated with the management in advance. Now I could calmly respond to unreasonable demands: "Everything is going according to plan, I am accurate and accurate." And things went uphill. I quickly wrote an article on my topic, my relationship with the management improved, I gained confidence in myself.

Depreciation in public life

Let's go back to R.

In addition, I established relationships with many people with whom I had previously been in a pronounced confrontation. So, I boldly went to the house where I was hated, and, using the technique of delayed depreciation, changed the attitude of the owners towards me. True, they did not begin to love me, but it became possible to continue relations with people on the basis of mutual respect for the opinions of others.

Another new character trait appeared in me after learning the methods of psychological struggle - sociability. I used to be unsociable. Now everything has changed. I began to feel freer in society, moreover, I became a disc jockey! It so impressed those around me and myself that I still, as they say, cannot come to my senses. If I had been offered this six months ago, I would have been horrified. How? To be on stage under the spotlights, under the gaze of dozens of people, constantly joking, coming up with witty twists in the program on the go, filling in the pauses? Of course not! And now I combine scientific work with the duties of a disc jockey. After some time, my disco took first place among the discotheques of the city's research institutes, and I was offered to host a university-wide evening. It went well, even better than I expected. I received an invitation to participate in theater production. Many people know me. If earlier I walked through the institute unnoticed, now I barely have time to bow. And all this in such a short period of time! Truly, the transformations of people are miraculous!

Depreciation in personal and family life

And once again we will return to our hero.

For a whole year, I experienced severe mental stress over my difficult relationship with my girlfriend. All my attempts to fix them have been thwarted. stone wall feminine stubbornness. I quickly lost my temper, started to get angry, but this did not solve the problem. (Communication proceeded according to the scheme of psychological conflict. - M.L.). After completing the training, I decided to act differently.

Having met with a friend, I said that I decided to seriously look into our relationship (a small mistake: I had to wait for her to make such a request. - M.L.). It was not an easy step for me, the relationship heated up so much that I could expect anything. And so, for several weeks, a friend poured slops on my head with great pleasure, and I answered:

Well, well, dear, maybe you are right in your own way, but let's look at this matter more broadly ...

(Many do not have the patience to carry the depreciation to the end; and they again switch to a conflicting style of communication; they resemble chess players who, playing a gambit variation where several pieces must be sacrificed, sacrifice only one, and then they are afraid of continuing. But then the first victim becomes meaningless! Here depreciation has been carried to the end! - M.L.)

I surprised myself! Previously, I would not have endured even a minute of such groundless insults, but here I endured, and what is most interesting, the further, the easier it became for me to hear them (and they get used to cold water. - M.L.). And then I completely stopped paying attention to them. I just smiled! And the insults gradually became less evil, and then completely stopped. There was a perplexed silence for several days. Then the long-awaited serious conversation began. And he brought his results! We talked for many days, we talked calmly. When she raised her voice, I would stop talking and smile, and her tone would change. And although in the end we parted, it happened peacefully and calmly.

Not a bad job, although not a workshop, but for a beginner, the techniques of psychological struggle have been mastered quite well! The question arises, why did they break up? The mechanisms of this outcome will be discussed in more detail in other books in the series. A few more examples of depreciation in family life. A factory worker F came to see me. He complained of insomnia, his mood was depressed. He connected this with the fact that relations with his wife reached an extreme degree of conflict. Both were quick-tempered, scandalous. Once, unable to bear the insults of his wife, he beat her. The police were called, and F. was sentenced to 15 days. After this episode, the wife began to scandal even more, and he could no longer afford it, because he was afraid of being condemned for an even longer period, especially since his wife threatened to do this more than once. In fact, her scolding was not provoked by anything. Having learned depreciation, F. understood how to behave. And one day, when his wife sent him ... (on a long journey with the exact address), he calmly said that he would go there with pleasure if she indicated which transport to use and gave money for the journey. The wife was dumbfounded. For the first time in many years, she set the table and invited F. to dinner. At night, he fell asleep peacefully without medication. I was woken up by an alarm clock. When he came to see me for the second time, he danced with joy.

Often conflicts between maturing children and adults arise due to the fact that children want more independence, and parents are trying to maintain a commanding position.

Listen to the story of T., 35, whose 13-year-old daughter is out of her control. She raised her daughter without a father, tried so that her daughter did not feel this, took care of her, etc. By this time, the daughter began to refuse classes at the music school, demanded toilets that were beyond their means, wanted to use time uncontrollably, etc.

After learning the principle of depreciation, when another scandal erupted due to the unwillingness to go to a music school, I decided to act in accordance with the knowledge gained. I calmly invited my daughter to a conversation and told her something like this:

Lena, you are right, I realized that you are already an adult. From today I give you complete freedom. The only request - when you leave for a long time, let me know when you return.

She agreed, not yet knowing what awaited her. I decided to use one of the depreciation rules: “Don't offer your services. Help when you've done your business." On the same day, she went to her friend and returned late.

When my daughter returned, I was already in bed. She asked me to feed her, and I suggested that she take the food herself. There was no bread in the house. I referred to the fact that I did not have time. My daughter began to reproach me that I did not love her, that I was a bad mother, and so on. It was difficult for me, but I agreed with all her statements. Then I began to say myself that she was unlucky with her mother. In such a struggle, where I always lost, seven months passed. In the end, without instructions, the daughter took the initiative, she distributed duties herself. I was assigned the role of a cook:

Mom, you cook better.

She cleaned the apartment, made small purchases. We did a lot of laundry together, she washed the little things herself. Gradually, the daughter improved relations with her friends in the class. She became calmer, more confident. A year later, she found a job in a cooperative that made toys. I helped her through the process. So the issue with her wardrobe was resolved. She began to earn money on it herself. In the summer of next year, we used the money we earned to buy her a ticket to the camp. After returning, I noticed that my daughter sat down at the piano. She told me that in the camp she made friends with a guy from another city. We agreed to correspond and meet next year, or maybe earlier. So my first love came to my daughter. I was glad that she shared with me. If I had not changed, I could hardly have been a friend to my daughter. I completely stopped commanding, I only obeyed.

Conflicts are even more serious when children become adults, but parents continue to actively interfere in their lives.

A teenager at the age of 15, always an exemplary boy, serious, active, involved in a sports school and showing great promise, suddenly became interested in a girl of 18 years old. He began to return home late, skip training, study worse at school. The girl he was dating had a lot of sexual experience, which also scared the parents. The son said that he loved her, that he was already an adult and knew what to do. Beliefs, scandals had no effect. The mother was constantly sobbing, the father was depressed: he had to go swimming soon, and the mother had to be admitted to the hospital. Depreciation was carried out by the father:

Son, I'm sorry we interfere in your life. We somehow missed that you have already grown up. You really understand more in life and nobler than us. And you can love better. Indeed, what does it matter that she is older and already has sexual experience? Maybe it's even better. Comparing you with others, your chosen one will be devoted to you.

I will not describe the amazement of my son. Relations finally improved after three days. The mother also mastered the depreciation technique and was discharged from the hospital a week later in good condition.

Conflicts with my mother-in-law poisoned my life. I can no longer look at my husband, soon all my love will pass, - V. says with excitement and tears in her eyes - a pretty woman of 36 years old, having come to class in a group. - We have been married for 12 years, our daughters are II years old, and my mother-in-law interferes in all my affairs, although we live separately. In case of any misunderstanding, she says that her son could take a woman both younger, and more beautiful, and more economical, and smarter ... It comes to screams, tears, tantrums both from my side and from her side.

She set to work with enthusiasm. A week later, she said:

On Saturday morning, everyone went to the garden, and my mother-in-law and I stayed on the farm. Somehow, from her point of view, I made the bed, and she immediately noticed that her son could have chosen a wife much better. I immediately agreed with this, adding that he could take a wife not only more economic, but also more beautiful, smarter, younger, etc. She spoke calmly. I remembered how she reproached me before, and listed my shortcomings and the virtues of my husband. The mother-in-law's eyes widened, it was felt that she had lost her bearings. Without saying a word, she turned on the TV and began to watch it with an absent look. Soon she began to shiver. She threw a blanket over herself. An hour and a half later, citing a headache, she lay down on the sofa.

Here we are observing a very interesting phenomenon that illustrates the connection of conflict, emotions with internal organs and its role in maintaining health. V.'s mother-in-law, for a reason that I will talk about a little later, was all the time in a state of constant emotional stress, which is usually accompanied by the release of excess adrenaline and a number of other substances into the blood. Normally, we need them, they are spent in the process of activity. Sometimes they accumulate in large quantities, and their decomposition requires particularly intense activity. If there is no such activity, then some people begin to have high blood pressure, others have a stomachache, and so on. That is why the scandal is not as unpleasant as it may seem. During a conflict, especially a violent one, there is an energy discharge that brings temporary relief. Some even fall asleep immediately after the conflict, and then, remembering, they say that they quarreled to their heart's content.

Any, even the most interesting, work causes one or another tension in the body. The body is overheating. The best "cooler" is the joy of love. And if she is not? Then conflict comes to the rescue. So, the best prevention of conflict is love. Now you understand why the mother-in-law of our heroine is in conflict? That's right, she lived all her life without love, compensating for it with a conflict, and when she lost this substitute, she became ill. When my students got out of the conflict with the help of cushioning, their partners often got worse. Often they themselves noted a state of some depression, as they suddenly discovered that they were no longer interested in communicating with their former partners. There is nothing wrong with that. For a while you (if you come to us) will be supported by the group, and then positive changes will begin in your loved ones, and they will again become even more interested in you, since you yourself contributed to such changes. But if this does not happen, you will part painlessly for both parties. A new one will begin for you interesting life, the partner will find another for conflicts, since he needs them. And if he wants to return you, he will turn to you and learn the technique of depreciation. Let's consider a breakup situation. I was invited to a consultation in the neurological department with M., a 46-year-old woman. She could not walk or stand, although her legs were able to move in full in bed. It was a functional paralysis of the lower extremities, associated not with the death of nerve cells, but with their inhibition. Such paralysis usually develops after a severe emotional experience, is one of the symptoms of neurosis and, with proper therapy, passes without a trace. She had been ill for about eight months. The treatment had no effect.

Here is a summary of her story.

Eight months ago, her husband, quite unexpectedly for her, announced that he had another woman, and he would divorce her. M. immediately lost her legs, she sobbed loudly, tore her hair out. She reproached him for devoting her life to him, giving up everything, graduating only from a technical school, and bringing him, a worker, to the rank of chief engineer. It was his fault they didn't have children, but that didn't matter to her. They adopted a son. However, the husband remained adamant, filed for divorce and divorced. They continued to live in the same apartment, but already as neighbors.

During the conversation, she cried. Calmed down for a while. In addition, it was possible to find out that she worked as a secretary for a major administrator and in many ways contributed to her husband's promotion. intimate relationship for her of great importance did not have, but also did not cause disgust. Now she wanted, in spite of everything, for her husband to return to the family.

In accordance with the principle of depreciation, I agreed to help her, but asked if she could play a role in a scenario that we would write together. She agreed and we started working.

First of all, she needed to understand that her break with her husband was natural and stemmed from their relationship. To you, my dear reader, it is already quite clear that our heroine was a "psychological mother" for her husband. He received "education" from her. And when he studied, was promoted, all the psychological energy basically went there, and sexual dissatisfaction was not particularly felt, since all the forces went to the “rise”. When he reached a certain social status, the released energy required application. It is only natural that he found a girlfriend who satisfied this need.

Our heroine was a very smart woman. She literally saw the light before our eyes. She stopped crying instantly, and her face took on a thoughtful, sad expression. And most importantly, she regained movement in her legs. She got up and began to walk around the room. She no longer needed to lie down - there was a case. We worked out the script together, discussed the details of her behavior. On Saturday, I let her go home for a test vacation and began to look forward to the results.

When we met, I realized that there was no trace of the disease left. M. was cheerful, cheerful, her eyes sparkled, she could hardly restrain herself from laughing. Here is a summary of her story.

When I entered the apartment “in full dress,” I was a little worried, because I was not quite sure that I could play my part. To be honest, I was afraid that he would not act as we planned, and I would not succeed. But when I saw his surprised, bewildered face, I calmed down. I began to speak, his eyes widened more and more, and when I finished, he could not answer me. I, without waiting for him to speak, went to my room. Here is what she said to him:

You did the right thing by leaving me, I have already grown old, I have become a bad housewife, I teach you all the time, and most importantly, I could not give you what a woman should give a man in an intimate relationship. I am grateful to you for all the good things that you have given me. They say time heals. It's hard for me to believe this yet. But it doesn't matter. I will be happy for your happiness.

I want to draw attention to the psychological content of the ending. The word "for now" indicates that the doors will not always be open.

What does depreciation lead to? The man removes his thorns. Psychological struggle teaches to accept a partner in the totality of all his qualities, like a rose, to accept both a flower and thorns. We must learn not to stumble on the thorns of a partner, but to deal only with a flower. You also need to remove your thorns.

Let's return to the husband of our heroine. He communicates with his beloved. To good man gets used pretty quickly. Does his passion have thorns? Of course have! And when he stumbles upon them, a conversation with the wife he left behind pops up in his memory. Remember her monologue. After all, in it you can read the hope for improving sexual relations. He will think about her again. It can't be that he didn't make an attempt to return! So I calmly looked forward to the next weekend.

Another holiday has passed. They hardly spoke, but it was evident that he had become softer. Then she advised him to bring his mistress to live in their apartment.

Since we broke up, why should you suffer?

He looked at M. with great interest and said:

Do you really think that I'm such a beast?

A week later, with an expression of feigned horror, she said:

You know, he'll probably be back soon!

Why do you think so?

He began to go out into the kitchen in his shorts, as it was before. Offers help more often.

Well, excellent, - I said, - as required!

No, that's enough, I've lived with this puppet for 22 years, I don't want to anymore!

The example clearly shows that by holding, you will not achieve anything, by letting go, you can return. Another pattern: when the quitter returns later, he often becomes unnecessary. How can this be explained? In the process of learning the techniques of psychological struggle, the student personal growth while his partner does not. He becomes uninteresting, because all his actions are easily calculated, their automatism is visible. If the relationship is not completely broken, the partner is gradually rebuilt. Relationships that are completely broken are rarely restored. One more example.

A 46-year-old man, a teacher at one of the Rostov technical universities(Let's call him P.) came to see me in a completely depressed state. Three months ago, his wife, returning from a trip to friends, said that she was leaving him for another who was divorcing his wife, that she had long been sympathetic to this man, even when he lived in Rostov. And then, as it were, an insight came: they realized that they could not live without each other.

P. was very upset by the news, because he loved his wife and children very much, he could not imagine life without them. He persuaded her. He asked not to rush to make a final decision, offered to live for some time with the object of his love, to make sure that it was real. the right decision, and even then engage in divorce proceedings. The eldest daughter, 14 years old, with tears in her eyes, said that although she loves him very much, she will still live with her mother. The youngest daughter of 6 years old automatically stayed with her mother.

His position at the institute was also unstable, since he failed to defend his dissertation, although he was considered a talented mathematician and the beginning of his scientific and pedagogical career was very successful. After graduating from university, he worked as a teacher at a school for five years, he got a job at the Department of Mathematics as a senior laboratory assistant, and then became a teacher, quickly mastered pedagogical process, the topic of scientific work has been outlined. He was regarded as a rising star, and the retiring head of the department openly said that he would have dreamed of seeing P. as his successor.

At this time, P. became interested in a third-year student, his future wife. He was struck by the beauty of the girl and her admiration for him. They declared their love and got married. She had already had sexual experience before. But love for her became even greater after he found out that his future wife was a victim of deception. In order to avoid unnecessary conversations (her family adhered to old traditions), he made a slight cut on his arm with a razor during the wedding night after a noisy wedding.

In the future, he began to fail with his dissertation. The wife turned out to be not a very good housewife, and he took on many of the usual women's concerns, especially since after graduating from the institute, the spouse soon became the head of the shop, and then the deputy director of a small enterprise. He had a friend, He worked as a teacher of philosophy at the same university. And when he was offered to go to party work, he agreed. Having become a major nomenclature worker, he moved with his family to another city. It was to him that the wife of our hero went.

An analysis of the situation shows that here P. was a “psychological father” for his wife, and family life was a compensation for his failures at work. The rupture of their relationship was natural. Whether his wife was aware of it or not is irrelevant. But it is clear that she did not marry him for love, but counted on his career. But the very style of her behavior in the family interfered with her husband's career. The gap occurred at a time when it became obvious that the husband would not succeed. Here comes her new love. It is perfectly clear to a specialist in psychological struggle that a nomenclature worker could achieve success thanks to the cares of his wife. When he achieved what he wanted, he had a need for a secular life. It is not difficult to assume that when these "psychological children" come together, their union will be fragile, because each of them is used to "pulling the blanket over himself."

P. had to realize all this himself. It was premature to tell him about it. Moreover, P.'s condition was quite severe. When he began to speak, he could hardly hold back the tears that choked him. We decided to write a letter. You can guess what its content was. Yes, there he scolded himself for his virtues, and praised his wife for her shortcomings, gave her full rein, leaving the doors open for now. He handed this letter to her before her trip to her mother. He himself refused to go.

I need to wean myself from you.

The wife returned ahead of schedule. She was perplexed. He calmly gave depreciation answers to all her questions. Gradually, the nature of their relationship in marriage became clear to him, the whole situation cleared up. The wife became more and more irritated. This anger spilled over into the children. She began to slander P. in the eyes of her eldest daughter, she stopped caring about her younger one. Three days later, the eldest daughter announced that she would stay with dad. The younger one cried and said that she did not want someone else's uncle.

P., in order to distract himself, began, in addition, to engage in physical education. His health gradually improved. The wife continued to quarrel, but he remained more or less calm. When the children went over to his side and he declared that in court he would insist that the children stay with him, she told him that the youngest daughter was not from him, but from the one she was now going to marry. He endured this and answered her something like this:

She may not be my daughter by blood, but I raised her and love her.

Besides, I don't understand why you want to look worse in my eyes than you really are. I know that without love you would not enter into an intimate relationship with anyone, and even more so, you could not be with two at once.

When his wife tried to resume intimate relations, P. said that he was a proud man, continued to love her, but out of mercy he did not need sexual intimacy. He will be able to do this if he loses his love for her, which he has little faith in, or if she returns her love for him, which he hopes for, because he still considers everything that happens to them an obsession that can be explain only the turmoil at her work and his inattentive attitude towards her.

P.'s condition continued to improve. One day he woke up cheerful, fresh:

I suddenly saw that the leaves were green and the sky was blue. Felt the need to return to scientific work. My God, on what and on whom did I kill my life!

In the future, there was a lot more: divorce proceedings, wife's tantrums, etc. But in all situations, even unpleasant ones, he behaved with dignity, was guided by what was happening. And everywhere he was helped by depreciation.

Summary

Depreciation is applicable in social life, in production, in family relationships and in the conditions of their disintegration. Here you need:

1. Accept the person as a whole, trying not to bump into his thorns.

2. Bring depreciation to the end, be able to wait for the result.

3. At the initial stages of learning to write "depreciation letters".

4.Before breaking off relationships, build them.

4. COMMAND OR OBEY? (SPECIALLY FOR EXECUTIVES)

Dear Gentlemen! I suspect that it was from this chapter that you started reading the book. It's not bad! Because the last one is best remembered. But if you read everything in order, it's also good, because the first one is remembered best of all. By the way, this should be taken into account when compiling speeches, reports and speeches, and the most important provisions should be placed at the beginning or at the end. But if you want your whole speech to be remembered, you should master the technique of purposeful modeling of emotions, which we will discuss in the next book. It will continue to be called “Purposeful Modeling of Emotions (Psychological Diet)”.

Gentlemen leaders, entrepreneurs, bankers, managers, administrators, public and politicians, that is, all those who are the first persons in their team!

Remember that you are the main psychologist in it, even if you keep a psychologist and a psychological service on staff, because it is you who form the psychological climate. It depends on your business qualities whether there will be success, and how these successes are achieved - easily or with great emotional stress - depends on your psychological skills. If everything is easy for you, then you can read no further. If, when you come home, you forget about your production, if you do not have insomnia, internal emotional stress, if you are never overcome by rage and do not clench your fists in impotent anger, then you can also put the book aside. If you never have high blood pressure, don't have a heartache, don't suffer from stomach ulcers, and if you're inwardly calm before a serious business conversation or public speaking, why waste time reading? Better go for a walk in the fresh air or do something pleasant!

But if, while communicating with your wife (or not your wife), you are thinking about getting a loan, and while watching a movie, you remember that not everyone explained to your assistant who is leaving on a business trip, and rush to the phone if in the sauna you think about one of your deputies, on whom you cannot rely, because he will mess everything up, and during the dances - about a lawyer who, instead of helping you, puts spokes in the wheels, and you cannot get rid of him, because he knows all the laws, if you are at a meeting say interesting things, but they don't listen to you if you want to become president or get nobel prize, then try to read a little more. It was in 1983. One of the leaders of the institute for advanced training of senior specialists turned to us for advice. The cadets who came for a two-three-month training allowed themselves to abuse alcohol, violated discipline in the dormitory, missed classes. Then they asked for forgiveness, gave their word that this would not happen again. They were forgiven, but drunkenness grew like a snowball, disorganizing the pedagogical process. Two people even had to be sent to a psychiatric hospital to stop drinking binges, and up to five percent of the listeners were expelled for drunkenness.

After consulting with me, the leaders of the cycles in the introductory conversation said something like this: “Dear colleagues! You are adults and we are not going to educate you! We have a number of rules that must be followed. One of them is as follows. If we become aware (the word “known” is obligatory here) about the cadet’s drunkenness, then he will be expelled. We follow the rule like in chess: "Take it - move."

At first they were not believed. I had to drop two. The deduction proceeded as follows. The cadet was told: “I sympathize with you, it is very unpleasant for me that this happened. I have no ill will towards you. Come next time. We are not going to report on production. Come up with your own reason for leaving. The drinking has stopped. In any case, management was not aware of this.

Analysis of the episode growth. Previously, teachers with cadets behaved in R-D style. Naturally, having educated their wards, they forgave them. After the consultation, communication went along the B-B line. The cadets did not even think to ask for forgiveness. Usually they said: "Yes, we understand you."

One more example. In January 1989, patient P., 32 years old, director of a state farm, was admitted to the neurosurgery clinic. It was suspected that he had a brain tumor. After an examination, which showed that there was no tumor, the patient was transferred to the neurosis clinic.

Now listen to his story. The patient successfully studied, graduated from an agricultural university, and I began to advance quite quickly in my career. At the age of 27, he was already the chief agronomist of a large grain farm in the Rostov region. “It was a golden time. I had my own area of work, and the rest did not concern me, although by position I was the deputy director of the state farm. When his boss was promoted in 1986, he was succeeded by P., who is now said to have hit the ground running. He launched construction, not only housing and industrial, but also social. In a short time, an outpatient clinic, a club, a livestock farm were built, and crops increased. But unfortunately, he was completely unfamiliar with the principle of depreciation. And during his time as director, he managed to quarrel with his superiors, the editor of a local newspaper, the head of the club and the head physician of the outpatient clinic. He did not develop his relations with deputies and ordinary workers of the state farm in the best way. P. became irritated not only at work, but also in the family.

In 1987, he noticed some heaviness in his legs, but did not go to the doctors. By the beginning of 1988, my heart was already aching. Irritability increased, sleep worsened. On sleepless nights, he had mental conversations with his offenders "from above" and negligent subordinates. At the state farm, conflict commissions often worked on complaints; P. himself sued the district newspaper for slandering him. P. fell ill on November 9, 1988, when, after another tense meeting, severe pains appeared in the region of the heart. Since he had a conflict relationship with a local doctor, he turned to the district hospital for help, where a myocardial infarction was suspected. A few days later, when the pain in the heart subsided somewhat, he was transferred to the regional clinical hospital for further treatment. Pain in the heart did not stop for almost a month, although a heart attack was not detected. In mid-December they went away, but his head began to ache badly, practically because of the headaches P. could not sleep. With a suspicion of a brain tumor, the patient was admitted to the neurosurgery clinic, and then to us.

It took two weeks just to convince P. that the cause of his illness was his lifestyle and leadership style. He stubbornly argued to me that "with those people it is useless to apply all this." Nevertheless, he attended a training group. Gradually, the skepticism went away, and he began to intensively learn the techniques of psychological aikido.

Let me digress a little from the topic. Lord leaders, consider that you are smarter and more informed than your subordinates. I noticed that many leaders, like our hero, are angry that subordinates do not immediately understand them. Now you understand that you should not be angry with them, you need to help them understand. Remember the history of great discoveries. In their statement, they go through three stages: the first - "this cannot be, because it can never be", the second - "there is something in this" and the third - "this is just how it should be!" Therefore, if you really come up with something fundamentally new, it must meet fierce resistance from above and silent rejection from below. If everyone enthusiastically accepted your idea, then there is nothing fundamentally new in it. That is why our hero did not agree to switch to a new style of communication for two weeks, that is why, when I come to you, nine out of ten at first do not agree to organize a psychological aikido section in their team. And if I manage to persuade someone even after six months, I consider it a great success. And I accept refusals calmly, because they are natural.

But let's get back to P. When he was imbued with the idea of psychological aikido and mastered some techniques, on Saturday and Sunday he was released on a trial vacation for "field tests". On Monday I heard his enthusiastic report.

“On Saturday, I gathered everyone for a meeting, noted the positive that had been done, and thanked the performers. Then I apologized to one of my deputies for not completing a number of fairly simple tasks: “If I explained all this to you properly,” I told him calmly and very quietly, “then you would certainly do everything “. And I once again told what the essence of the order is. Should have seen him at that time! He turned pale, then covered with spots and for some time he could not utter a word. Then, stammering, he explained quite intelligibly the reason for the failure to comply. But the most interesting and unexpected thing for me was that the other participants in the meeting began to repent of their sins. Meeting past surprisingly quickly and productively, without the usual hassle. I received deep satisfaction. The subordinates were also happy. If before, after the meeting, they went and quarreled with each other, now everyone immediately went about their own business.

It is easy to see that preventive depreciation was used here. If P. began to accuse his deputy, then he would begin to justify himself. Here P. agreed in advance with his arguments.

And that's pretty case in point preventive depreciation. I was consulted by the commander of the construction unit in which my son served. The commander of the strong-willed plan, in case of emergency, shouted, threatened to bring the violator to justice. He begged to forgive him, promised that there would be no more. After two sessions of psychological aikido, the commander, after conducting an investigation, called another intruder, sat him down, gave him a smoke, asked him how things were going, and then said in a calm, quiet voice: “I appreciate you very much. You're a good guy, but you've committed an illegal act, and I have to refer the case to the prosecutor's office. I want to believe that everything will work out. I'll be sorry if you're condemned." The soldier said nothing and dejectedly left the office. There were no offenses for several days. The actions of the commander were unexpected for the soldiers. Everyone discussed the behavior of the commander and wondered what to expect from all this now.

The depreciation technique also underlies the rule formulated by Carnegie: "The idea must belong to the partner." Many observe it when it comes to the boss or the person on whom they depend. But it works even more effectively when communicating with subordinates. The task is formulated in a general way, and the partner is offered to solve it. All proposals are motivatedly rejected until he expresses your opinion. At first I practiced this technique on my son. This is how the dialogue looked when one day I decided to play checkers with him.

Me: Borya, we have free time. What to do?

Son: What if we play football?

Me: Good idea, but you know, my legs hurt.

Son: What if we play chess?

Me: Yes, some kind of stale head after work.

Son: What about dominoes?

Me: Borya, well, we are intelligent people!

Son: Well, I don't know what else we have!

Me: Well, think about it.

Son: Let's play checkers.

Me: Brilliant idea! What a great guy you are! But if I offered it, the son could refuse. Soon I was able to put this technique into practice. In those days, syringes were sterilized in sterilizers, and not in ovens, and now the sanitary and epidemiological station made a number of complaints about the sterilization method. After thinking everything over, I decided to switch to method C. But I did not offer it, but, having stated the essence of the problem, I asked the team for advice. The meeting proceeded as follows.

M .: Let's process in the way A.

Me: It's very good way, but the fact is that ingredient a has been discontinued as obsolete. It's a pity, it's a good drug, it's too early for us to refuse approved drugs. And if something goes wrong, they won't understand us.

K: What if we try method B?

Me: Way B? You can't imagine better! But the thing is that the import supplies of the ingredient have been stopped.

G: Maybe method C would work?

Me: (after some thought): Yes, perhaps this is exactly what is most suitable at the moment! Thanks to everyone for participating in the discussion.

Note. I did not scold anyone, but praised everyone. Here, an identification technique was used, which usually unites the team. The participants in the meeting, even treating G. badly, thought something like this: “Well, if this fool could come up with something, then next time I’ll come up with something even more valuable!” This method stimulates productive activity. And further. If someone suggested method D, which is better than C and which I did not think of, I would calmly accept it. But after I have already expressed my opinion, it would be difficult for me to refuse it.

Many leaders use this technique incorrectly, setting the team against themselves. "Why are you late today?" - menacingly in front of everyone asks the boss of his subordinate. A stupid question is followed by a stupid answer: “Transport didn’t go well!” And the whole team thinks something like this:

“It’s good for him on a personal car, but he would think what it’s like for us!” And everyone sits with a gloomy look. I do not blame you for a personal car, I know that you need it. I am for you. You have the most harmful production, my dear leaders! I simply show what thoughts and feelings arise in subordinates with your psychologically unreasonable actions and statements. Maybe the following rule will help you: "Praise should be in front of everyone, and scold - one on one."

And now I want to offer you a small task. You have a vacant position for the head of a workshop (head of a department, head of a laboratory, etc.) and you want H to take this position. What are your actions?

Unfortunately, until now, most managers are hiring employees for responsible positions without resorting to the services of psychologists. At the same time, rumors, recommendations, first impressions, sometimes business qualities are taken into account and his personal characteristics are not taken into account at all.

So it was with one major manager who hired a very qualified lawyer, with the help of whom he managed to conclude contracts that were beneficial for the enterprise within the framework of the law. But the lawyer was pretty conflict personality. For a while everything went well, but then the relationship deteriorated, and the actions of the lawyer began to slow down the work of the institution. A struggle began between the manager and the lawyer, which was watched with pleasure, like a bullfight, by the whole team. The leader was completely unsettled, sometimes he could not restrain himself, he turned to screaming, the tension did not subside even at home. At that moment he turned to me for advice.

Now listen to how he acted according to the plan we developed. He invited another lawyer, and said something like the following to his partner in the conflict: “Dear I.I., the amount of work we have increased, and I have hired another lawyer who will deal with the easiest and mostly current cases, I will transfer the difficult to you. You will also deal with the legal support of our long-term plans” (a kind of “pass to the side”). Our "conflictant" actually remained out of work and soon became the object of ridicule of the entire team. The leader only praised him:

“The most important thing for us is your thought. If you express only one valuable idea a year, then we will not be left behind. We can already afford to keep in the team creative person" etc. All proposals of the “conflictant” were accepted, but their execution was postponed indefinitely, and other members of the team were also involved in the discussion. Two and a half months later, they filed a letter of resignation.

I want to tell you more about how one teacher dealt with lateness using the preventive depreciation technique. When he got acquainted with the group, at the very first lecture he made the following statement: “I understand your difficulties, I know bad job transport. Therefore, you can be late for my lectures. I have a earnest request: if you are late, do not wait for a break, enter the audience calmly, do not sneak, so as not to attract attention to yourself, and sit down in an empty seat. Don't apologize or make excuses. Since you are late, it means that you had the serious reason. Why waste time on unnecessary explanations?

It should be noted that this lecturer lectured in a very exciting way, completely capturing the audience from the very first seconds.

A latecomer, in order to get up to speed faster, asked his neighbors what in question. In an angry whisper, so that everyone could hear it, they advised him not to be late. You will recognize the method of identification, which here unites the collective against the intruders. No slogans are needed, it is better to arouse great interest in yourself and your business among your communication partners!

And the last topic I would like to touch on is public speaking. I had to advise ten candidates for deputies in the last election campaign. They were all smart and intelligent people, they all had good programs, they all knew their stuff. But they psychologically illiterate built their speeches, achieving the exact opposite effect.

I will not detail the techniques oratory. I propose to devote a separate book to this topic. Here, in terms of psychological aikido, I just want to list the main points.

Do not scold your competitor. “If you vote for H., you will not lose. He was able to secure a five-room apartment for himself. Having become a deputy and having received power, he will do the same for you.”

Reproach yourself for your dignity. "I have outlined ten points of activity, but in two cases I, unfortunately, failed to bring the matter to its logical end."

Do not repeat the mistake of one of my clients. Do not interrupt the questioner! Let him speak to the end. It does not matter that you, and the rest of the listeners, have long understood it. It is important that he understands that you understand him. Usually at meetings and meetings, people who are either very smart or very stupid ask questions. The former ask few questions, and these questions are short. The second asks a lot of questions, and these questions are long. These are the ones that need to be listened to with great patience. On your side will be the one who asked the question, and those who listened. The one who asked the question will be grateful that you listened to it to the end. Those who listened to your answer will be amazed at your patience.

It should be remembered that the majority of your listeners are women, and success and victory will go to those whose side they take. Therefore, it is necessary to demonstrate a good awareness of women's issues.

Instead of a resume

And here is the solution to the problem.

You: We have a job for the head of the shop. What will be the proposals?

A .: I think that M would be suitable.

You: Yes, this is a very energetic worker, but he does not have enough experience.

B.: And what if we appoint D.?

You: He knows production well, but he doesn't know how to get along with people.

B: I would suggest O.

You: He is a good performer, and we need a creative worker.

G: What about H.?

You (after some thought): Yes, that's an interesting idea, (Pause 20-30 seconds). Yes Yes. That's a good candidate, thanks for the discussion. If it is not possible to bring those present to “their” candidacy, then you can ask the question: “How do you look at H. as a candidate for the position?”

Surprise

In addition to depreciation, there is also super depreciation. Principle: strengthen yourself the quality that your communication partner attributed to you.

In the bus:

Woman (to a man who let her go ahead on the bus but crushed her a little): Ooh, bear!

Man (with a smile): You should also call him a goat.

A: You are stupid!

B .: Not only a fool, but also a bastard! So beware!

With "psychological stroking" and an invitation to cooperate, this technique is better not to use. Usually super cushioning ends the conflict immediately. I wish you good luck! See you on the pages of new books!

I dedicate this book to the students and patients who taught me psychological aikido.

M. Litvak

Foreword

1. Nobody admits to himself that he loves power.

2. No one admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed unquestioningly (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems unlimited).

I personally do not see anything wrong with this desire to control other people, especially since a person usually acts on the basis of good intentions.

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully looks for a way out.

Fourths completely go into work, often choosing one that does not require contact with other people. But this is also a temporary way out.

The first experiments of a new approach for the treatment of patients gave amazing results.

Modern science indicates that the roots of neurosis go back to early childhood, when a neurotic system of relations, a neurotic character, is formed. This leads to the fact that the person lives all the time in a state of pronounced emotional stress, often unconscious, and becomes vulnerable in difficult conflict situations. Neurosis begins, psychosomatic diseases (bronchial asthma, gastritis, gastric ulcer, hypertension, colitis, dermatitis, etc.). In a state of stress, emotional tension, immunity is impaired. Neurotic subjects are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases, they are more likely to develop malignant tumors, they are more likely to have accidents. Thus, the proverb “All diseases are from the nerves” is now receiving scientific justification. But why wait until a person falls ill, or something happens to him, or he brings misfortune to someone? Wouldn't it be better to start work before he fell ill? Thus, a club of psycho-prophylactic and psycho-corrective orientation was created, which we called CROSS (Club of those who decided to master stressful situations). Here we invite people who have psychological problems in the family and at work. Instead of prescribing medication, we help them communicate. At lectures and in groups of psychological training, well-known methods and rules of psychological struggle are worked out and new ones are developed. More than 85% of students note that as a result of mastering the skills of psychological aikido, they, to one degree or another, managed to establish relationships in the family and at work. Some have received promotions. Many began to set higher goals for themselves.