What does a person feel when he is offended. Resentment from the point of view of psychology. Medical solution to the problem of resentment

Resentment suffocates, resentment lives in the heart, resentment torments ... Resentment is a psychological reaction to an irritant, often just a word or a look. For people who do not know how to be offended or hold a grudge for a long time, from the outside, long-term, black resentments in the soul of another seem like a strange problem and an incomprehensible phenomenon. And often we do not understand what pain we inflict on others, how we offend them, and how such insults are remembered for years later. Neighboring with each other, communicating, people who do not feel offense cannot even imagine in what states a very touchy person can be.

I am not a touchy person. No, it's not that I can't be offended. Of course, if I get hurt, I will be offended. But not for long. People like me are usually called forgiving. As a child, my mother was very surprised by this feature of mine. She always enthusiastically told how I, upset and quarreling, running away from everyone in the world with offended cries, after 10-15 minutes came back and behaved as if nothing had happened. Mom always said that I was a very intelligent child who knew how to calm down his grievances. But she was wrong - I just forgot them. Not through willpower, but simply because I am such a person.

Moreover, through my properties, on the contrary, it always seemed to me that all other people also cannot be offended for a long time, like me. Of course, you can flare up, you can be offended, but it will definitely pass quickly. Even if the offense is very big, how can you hide it in yourself for more than a few hours?

My mother, on the contrary, is a very touchy person by nature. I always felt sorry for her, because many people really left wounds in her heart: they said unpleasant things to her, offended her, threw unkind looks in her direction. In every mother's story, in her every word, I also felt resentment. Not for myself, for my mother. Listening attentively to her stories, some wild feeling of black resentment also rose in my soul. Something I have never experienced for myself. When it's wildly insulting, to tears, to blackness, to nausea ...

This painful feeling of someone else's resentment, feeling for another person, gave me an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat strong resentment is. But, it is not surprising that I forgot other people's grievances even faster than my own. When my mother, after several months or years, began to tell the same story of resentment, I usually just waved my hand - oh, do you still remember? She could not rid herself of this feeling of bitter resentment in her soul.

Interestingly, the question never occurred to me in my life: why does my mother remember everything so clearly - to the smallest detail, to the emotion in her eyes, to the word? I did not attach any importance to this, I treated it superficially, like everything in the world. Maybe, I thought, she just remembers these grievances from time to time. And I could not even imagine that such a state of resentment in her is not undulating, but constant - her resentment is not interrupted, but suffocates, torments, lies like a heavy stone on her heart all the time.

My discovery - where do touchy people come from?

What is resentment, I learned from my mother's stories, while still being a very little girl. But what it really means resentment, a heavy feeling in the soul, I realized quite recently. I could really feel this, understand a person who is tormented by resentment, only after training in systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. But to understand is to help.

The fact that not all people are the same has been observed and known for a long time. But what exactly this difference lies in, where its roots, I managed to understand only at the training. It turns out that there are such people - the owners of the anal vector. They have certain innate character traits. Such people (in a developed state) are very clean - women are good housewives, men are called "master - golden hands" according to their merits. They are very stubborn and like to do everything to the end, to the point. By nature, these same people have a good memory - they can tell whole stories about their childhood, remembering everything in great detail. For me, a person who does not have any of these characteristics, it was easy to recognize them as my mother. I am a person with opposite properties, the owner of the skin vector. I don’t have such properties as hers, but there are many others: dexterity and speed, the ability to count well and instantly navigate where it’s profitable, a logical mindset. And also - a weak memory for long-standing events. What happened yesterday, I remember very well, but my childhood is rather weak. And if it were not for the Odnoklassniki project on the Internet today, I could hardly remember my school friends even by their names. A skin person can also be offended, but because of his weak memory, as well as his flexible nature, he forgets this very quickly.

The only thing that a skin person does not forget is if he was shortchanged or turned into a bad deal with him. But this is quite...

So, a person with an anal vector is a hostage to his good memory. On the one hand, this is an excellent property that allows him to learn and become a real specialist in his field, remembering many details. But at the same time, he has the ability to accumulate bad memories, resentment. He remembers them so vividly and, as if he preserves them - exactly, in the smallest detail, he remembers the whole history of the offense, as if it happened not 20 years ago, but yesterday.

Read about how a child can often be offended and what this leads to.

If the anal person has another vector, visual, then the situation with resentment against a person in the soul can be even more depressing. The visual vector is very emotional, such a person is able to swing on his emotions. Positive, such as joy, happiness, love, or negative - in fears. Having united in one person, the anal and visual vectors create a unique personality. On the one hand, this is a truly golden person, pure, intelligent, beautiful in soul, but on the other hand, very often, he is a real hostage of frequent, strong insults that result in the hardest, painful, full of bitter tears, suffering. Moreover, these grievances occur on the most ordinary things that other people, for example, such skin people like me, do not attach any importance to at all. They are often offended, offended by a word or even just by a glance.

People who are often and strongly offended are most often the owners of two vectors: anal and visual.

I recently went to the water park. As you know, showers in water parks are separate, but the changing rooms are shared, with separate changing cabins. And here I am, already dressed in my clothes, standing, drying my hair. As always, my head is full of my own thoughts... I dried it out - I hung a long hose from a hair dryer on a hook. You cannot turn off the hair dryer, it will buzz for the set time. I go to my locker. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that a man in swimming trunks is standing near the drawer opposite and takes clothes for changing clothes. At this moment, the hose from my hair dryer falls off and starts to beat against the wall. With the thought "that's a fool" and a look of tiredness on my face, I have to go back and hang it back. Having solved the problem with the rampant hose, I return to the locker. He, as luck would have it, does not open, and this is already starting to infuriate me. I am angry. Behind me I hear a voice:
- Excuse me, girl, did I offend you with something?
- What are you speaking about?
- You looked at me like that! And then they ran away somewhere, with such an expression on their faces! It's because of me?
Previously, before the training in system-vector psychology, I would just chuckle and think that he was an idiot. And, perhaps, she would have been rude in response. But today I understand that this is a very sensitive, unhappy anal-visual person who is drowning in insults. It is very difficult for him to live, under the yoke of his grievances, which arise from one glance. And I don't want to add one more. The only way to save the situation is to sincerely apologize to him.
- What are you, what are you! Not! My hair dryer just fell, I went back to hang it up.
The man lowers his head, and I understand that he does not believe me. I literally feel his resentment, which is being formed. I feel so sorry for him, I don't want him to be offended. And I'm trying my best to fix the situation:
- Sorry, for God's sake. I just always have this expression on my face, as if I'm unhappy with something. It comes naturally when I think about it. Forgive me if I offended you. I didn't even see you before, before you spoke to me. Excuse me, excuse me.
The man takes his things and goes to the changing room, but before he closes it, he says to me:
- In any case, I wish you all the best, have a good day and good luck in life. Do not be offended at me...

The problem of those who surround a highly touchy person is that they often do not notice when they offend him with a word, deed or look. We often chat something, do not attach importance to our words. And then suddenly we find out that it turns out that the person harbored a grudge. For one word or look - having invested in them, some big meanings, which in fact were not in sight. A year will pass, and maybe 20, and only then can a secret be revealed to us - it turns out that all this time a person not only remembered this event, but kept it in his memory as if alive, and harbored a bitter-black resentment, the size of which is simply impossible to imagine.

But people with an anal vector have another feature - this is a tendency to cruelty. It is not surprising that it is they who do not just hold a grudge, are not just vindictive, they are also vengeful. It is people with an anal vector who can hatch a plan of revenge for years, how they will disgrace the offender, or repay him with the same unbearable suffering, the same resentment. It is not certain that they will implement this plan. But it's not a fact that it isn't.

Living in a pair with such a person is sometimes simply unbearable. If a husband or wife often harbors a grudge, this is a very difficult, conflict situation. The difficult atmosphere that persists in such a family affects everyone, including the development and formation of children. In addition, very often hidden grievances are reflected by diseases on the person who accumulates them. Therefore, a person prone to resentment needs help.

Not in persuasion not to be offended, but in real, psychological help. Only this will help him cope with his grievances in his soul.

Do not live with grievances and do not let your loved ones live with grievances!

The causes of human resentment lie deep in the subconscious. It is simply impossible to rid a person with an anal vector of his bitter grievances. Especially from those who already live in the heart long years- for parents, for brothers or sisters, for friends, for yourself ...

My mother, remembering grievances for 20 years, having become acquainted with system-vector psychology, made an amazing discovery: it turns out that all this time she only tormented herself, causing damage to her health. The same people, whom she was offended by, have other properties and were often not to blame for anything. It was my mother who put into their words, into their views those meanings that she was then offended by. This insight helped her look at the world differently and no longer dwell on grievances.

Of course, you can sympathize and empathize, as I did in my time with my mother. And for a while, what he shares with you will make him feel better. Unless, of course, you yourself are not the offender. But be that as it may, resentment, such disgustingness, does not let go of the anal person and soon rises again in the soul as real blackness, devouring all the thoughts of the anal person. The only way to get rid of such long-standing grievances is to understand yourself, your nature, the nature of your desires, their orientation, your realization. Therefore, if you have a friend, or maybe the most native person, too touchy, do not waste a minute - drag him to a training in system-vector psychology, there he will be delivered. The same training is very good for those who want to finally learn how to communicate with people who are too touchy, for example, in a team or in a family. How not to make an enemy in their face, how not to offend - all this can be learned there, at a lecture on the anal vector on system-vector psychology. Moreover, this lecture is absolutely free and available to everyone. To gain access to it, just register or click on this banner:

This training takes place online and is available to absolutely everyone anywhere in the world. Introductory lectures on the skin and anal vector are free of charge, all the rest - 10-12 lectures on other vectors, are served on a paid basis. Additional material recommended after completing the training, you can draw on the articles of specialists who also completed this course and are practicing life, working every day to deepen their knowledge. To regularly receive their articles, subscribe to our newsletter in the form below - in each issue we try to find a lot of material for our readers on a variety of topics.

Photo: Iakov Filimonov/Rusmediabank.ru

“What kind of girl is this if she never takes offense and is not capricious?” - some men think and indulge women's whims, considering them one of the side effects of close relationships. And the female half is happy to try, inventing new grievances. Meanwhile, touchiness is not at all a sign of female charm, it indicates a low level of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence(EI; English emotional intelligence, EI) - the ability of a person to recognize emotions, understand the intentions, motivation and desires of other people and their own, as well as the ability to manage their emotions and the emotions of other people in order to solve practical problems.

A person with a mature and developed does not have such a trait as touchiness. He tends to forgive and correct his behavior if it offends someone.

The situation is different with those whose emotional intelligence is not developed. That's when the face and constant touchiness, and tearfulness, and capriciousness, etc. Each of us can and should increase our emotional intelligence and become a mature person responsible for our words and actions.

How resentment manifests itself

Everyone has their own ways to show resentment, some individuals can simply give odds to those who still do not know how to be offended, it sometimes takes such sophisticated forms. Which for example?

silent;
pout;
tears and sighs;
reciprocal negative manifestations (for example, refusal of help, walks, habitual rituals, rudeness, etc.);
vengeance;
the search for evidence of justice;
demonstrations and public performances;
involvement of additional witnesses and arbitrators.

Need to distinguish situational resentment, which is caused by the negative behavior of the partner and serves to correct his behavior and does not last long, from. Perhaps a person cannot or does not want to somehow convey to his partner his vision of the situation and explain to him what exactly upset and offended him. And for some time he pouts his lips and becomes in a pose: he falls silent, defiantly does not communicate and does not greet, etc. This is a situational response. It is harmless, and sometimes even necessary.

But there is another situation. When resentment becomes chronic and is caused even by the quite adequate behavior of the victim (this is exactly what the one who is covered with guilt looks like). Something like this needs to be done about it. Otherwise, it will destroy your relationship, and your health, and your personality.

Why does the person react this way?

comes from childhood, when the child learned to interact with his parents, he manipulated them and tested them for strength, plunging them into a state of guilt and achieving his own. The habit of achieving what you want with the help of manipulative behavior in the form of resentment passes into adulthood.

The offended person is not confident in himself, and he wants to punish the one who offended him, show him his true value, force him to be attentive, show care and love. Man with adequate self-esteem will never lure attention and appreciation through manipulation, such as resentment. He does not need them, because he knows his own worth and does not humiliate himself with insults.

An emotionally immature person does not know how to respond correctly to a partner's inappropriate behavior, to his hurtful words, decisions, etc. And he prefers to withdraw into himself and fan the fire from sparks and chips. As a rule, harsh words of people close to us break from the lips in moments of emotional fatigue, from lack of feedback, from boredom, from the inability to say directly what worries us. The same is with resentment, it is always easier to be offended than to get to the source of anxiety and dispel the fog of mutual misunderstanding. This is how someone who has not learned communication reacts, who does not want to bother with empathy or tolerance. Looking for easy ways to communicate. And as a result, it gets complications, stop-communication and many other negative consequences, up to loneliness.

This is a manifestation of infantilism, that is, the inability to take responsibility for one's life and the expectation that someone else will take it upon themselves. Resentments arise from unjustified expectations, invented ideal relationships and other fantasies about people around.

This is a manifestation of narcissism, increased self-love, a desire to put yourself at the forefront and be the navel of the earth.

No one likes to be guilty, and he avoids this state in every possible way. And if at first he tries to improve, then with the constant use of resentment as a means of communication, people psychologically move away from the one who makes them feel guilty, part with him and look for more comfortable hugs.

How to deal with resentment

Resentment destroys people and human relationships. And you have to fight it. How?

Don't hoard it. Try to resolve all conflicts as quickly and as correctly as possible. “To do this, we will have to go to the humiliation!” - so some people think, and with a tenacity worthy of a better application, they try to stand their ground and turn away, closing themselves in their shell. And they saw, they saw sawdust, and at the same time their nervous system. But explaining the situation has nothing to do with humiliation. On the contrary, the ability to let go of resentments and exclude them from your life is a manifestation of high level emotional intelligence.

Avoid . Resentment arises where someone does not say something and reacts spontaneously, sometimes not being able to explain to himself the reasons for his actions. If purchased good habit explain to each other the reasons for their dissatisfaction, then you don’t have to be offended. It is always better to say what you want, what you like or dislike, than to pout and put the other person in the uncomfortable position of being guilty.

Think about others. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their behavior. When you think about other things more, there is no time for self-pity and the accumulation of negativity.

Develop emotional intelligence.

N.I. Pozdnyakov

Introduction

In Holy Scripture and the patristic heritage, much attention is paid to the struggle against sins, the most dangerous and insidious of which is pride. If a person more or less successfully overcomes in himself gluttony, fornication, love of money, sadness, anger, despondency and even vanity, the sin of pride lies in wait for him. Manifestations of pride are multifaceted: it is the exaltation of oneself and one's deeds above others, and neglect, contempt for other people, and moralizing, the desire to teach, and the inability to admit one's mistakes, and persistence in one's own delusions, and the inability to ask for forgiveness, and much more , in particular - resentment towards neighbors.

The study of the feeling of resentment (offendedness) and, in general, resentment as a quality of the human soul is very relevant, interesting and useful. First, despite the fact that resentment is one of the oldest problems, it has not lost its sharpness to this day. Secondly, resentment is not just a feeling, it is a whole gamut of feelings, a kind of psycho-physiological and mental state, characterized by stability and duration. Thirdly, in many cases, especially in everyday and non-church practice, insults are regarded as an ordinary, very common and quite normal phenomenon. Moreover, some people consider resentment to be the beginning of the formation of character, the development of will, the development of a sense of honor and personal dignity of a person, the impetus for self-realization. The destructive principle contained in resentment and, like invisible radiation, corroding the soul of a person, is usually not taken into account. Or even considered a useful "vaccination" to maintain "psychological immunity", according to the false principle: "That heart will not learn to love, which is tired of hating" (!)

Fourthly, despite the seeming simplicity of patristic spiritual practice, the question of correct analysis and reasoning in the search for ways to overcome offenses, of their correct resolution from the point of view of Christian morality in general and Orthodox psychology in particular, remains a complex and open question in many respects.

Fifthly, the question is important precisely in our time, also because the current ideology, through means mass media(media) strongly cultivates many false values ​​that are nutrient medium and a catalyst for all sorts of grievances. Inflated in every possible way: corporate honor, falsely understood "dignity" of the individual, self-realization at any cost, "rules of the game", "human rights", individualism, consumer instincts and market psychology. Numerous deviations and violations of these artificial rules and dogmas, their frequent inconsistency with each other, the constant struggle around them give rise to a system of continuous grievances that neurotize society and divide people.

"The unpeaceful spirit that struck in last years both society as a whole, and many of its individual members, are trying today, as it were, to legitimize some of the sins that have become habitual against their neighbor: revenge, condemnation, distrust, ill will, hatred.

Believers are more stable, but grievances also interfere with them, because they do not give the correct prayer, for which they need:

• care and sincerity
• contrition for their sins and repentant humility,
• reconciliation with all and forgiveness of all offenses.

Orthodoxy today is again becoming the core of the spiritual life of society, influencing the image of Russia, its traditions and way of life. Today, 75% of young people recognize Orthodoxy as the basis of Russian culture. More than 58% of young people do not agree that it would be better for Russia if the influence of the Russian Orthodox Church decreases. It is important to understand that this is the opinion of Russians aged 15 to 30, who are the future of Russian society.

8% of the study participants identified themselves as churched Orthodox, 55% - as non-churched Orthodox. 33% of young people, regardless of religion, said positive attitude to the Russian Orthodox Church and only 4% - about the negative.

The cause of harm is selfishness. The Holy Fathers tore this product of pride out of their hearts, while secular art, on the contrary, nurtures and cultivates it in every possible way under the plausible signs of “pride” and “honor”. "The poet is dead! - a slave of honor, ”and here Lermontov is not entirely accurate: if in life Pushkin was sometimes a“ slave of honor ”, then his death was truly Christian, in repentance and forgiveness.

Another well-known example is from the song: “Men, men, men led scoundrels to the barrier!” Sounds like it's beautiful. And if you look at the merits, it was their pride and thirst for revenge that attracted them to the barrier. And where is the guarantee that justice will prevail in a duel?

And one more thing should be remembered: “Truly I say to you: since you did it to one of the least of these My brothers, you did it to Me” (), - this applies not only to good deeds, but also to evil ones. So, not just with fire, but with hellish flames, the one who insults a person plays: “And whoever says“ crazy ”is subject to fiery hell” (). Insulting a person, they offend God, and the matter of retribution is no longer in the hands of the offended, but higher: “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay” (). After such a promise, the heart should not give place to resentment.

Slander also disturbs the world of our soul, it is based on lies, inflating shortcomings, distorting and reinterpreting good deeds and qualities in a bad way. The greatest danger is not a fantastic lie, but a plausible slander, skillfully linked to the situation and characteristic features slandered person, and it does not matter with what - positive, negative or neutral. Trying to refute the fabrications addressed to him, a person spends a lot of energy, mind, nerves, eventually achieving a meager result, and most often the opposite effect.

Regarding slander, the archimandrite writes: northern peoples there was a custom: when a person’s wound did not heal for a long time, festered, worms appeared in it, then dogs were allowed to lick this wound. The dogs licked her with their tongues, and the wound quickly cleared. Thus, with their mouths, slanderers cleanse our souls from dirt and from the pus of sins.

Remarks are not insults, but we are intolerant of them too. Even if the remark is essentially fair, we are jarred by the very fact of the remark, its form, its “tone”, and in general - “who would make comments, look at yourself!”. Nevertheless, we ourselves make comments to others, we like to notice the disorder in others. How can one not recall again the Sermon on the Mount of the Savior, which speaks of a speck in another's eye and a log in one's own!

It is important to remember: we are most willing to make comments and reproaches to others about precisely those sins that are peculiar to us. And vice versa, as V. Hugo said: the impeccable does not reproach, he simply has no need to reproach, he lives on a higher spiritual level: he forgives. And he forgives for two reasons: firstly, he has love for his neighbor, and secondly, he is aware of his own imperfection.

4.3. The manifestation of neglect, contempt, increased attention to another

Reading patristic literature, we almost never come across these concepts, except sometimes they speak of contempt for the enemy of the human race. Touching secular art or simply living in modern society, we immediately see a whole tangle of passions, where contempt, neglect all the time lead to feelings and dramas.

A person puts you below himself, does not consider you, neglects your opinion. Quite rarely, this is expressed openly, usually we feel a hidden disdain, which is no less insulting. Neglect is expressed in the form of indifference, coldness, alienation, preference for another, and not you, in inattention to your affairs. “Here, I endure coldness for half an hour,” Chatsky takes offense at Sophia; “I read mine, but I didn’t even cut mine,” Treplev bitterly annoys Trigorin in the play “The Seagull” by A.P. Chekhov.

“When I was not honored, not appreciated, deprived of something or humiliated, then in my soul I resent and condemn people who do not want to honor my idol - my “I”. I myself worship him and therefore I think that I have the right to expect the same from others.

Classic example- The parable of the prodigal son. But it's not about him, it's about his older brother. Hearing merriment in the house and learning the reason (the return of his younger brother), “he became angry and did not want to enter. His father came out and called him. But he said in answer to his father: behold, I have served you for so many years and have never transgressed your command; but you never gave me a kid to have fun with my friends; and when this son of yours, who squandered his property with harlots, came, you slaughtered a fatted calf for him ”(). Why wasn’t the eldest son happy when his brother returned to his father’s house, why was he offended? Because the place in the heart, free for joy, has already been occupied by prompt envy, and joy and envy cannot get along together.

It is difficult for a self-loving character, prone to envy, to endure attention to someone else, and not to him. The returned prodigal son was a joy for the father and a serious test for the brother, who immediately demonstrated the whole set of sinful states of resentment: 1) pride, because "singing and jubilation" is not in his honor; 2) anger - "he was angry and did not want to enter"; 3) condemnation - "this is your son, who has squandered his possessions with harlots"; 4) envy - "you slaughtered a fattened calf for him." To this one can add disrespect for the father, and the lack of brotherly love (he does not say “my brother”, but “this son is yours”), and the desire to give the insult some kind of “social” weight: “so that I can have fun with my friends.”

It is hard for us to endure someone else's neglect, because we have a very high self-esteem, based on nothing (except for pride). Even if a person has received some kind of education, this does not mean anything. The whole question is how he studied and what he learned. Let's say he does some work - he grinds nuts or writes novels, so again the question is: maybe he works in vain, at a loss, or just amuses himself? No one seems to be happy from his work. Nothing to be proud of! It is clear that one should not despair, because God does not give life in vain, but it is very spiritually useful to “shake up” one’s pride, one’s ambition, to look from one’s own interests to the needs of other people.

After all, we are offended not only by neglect of our person, but also by inattention to our activities and hobbies. In our country, for example, all the walls are hung with paintings - and the guest has zero attention! We love to talk about fishing, and a friend came and kept talking about his car all evening - melancholy! Therefore, it is especially pleasant if someone shares our enthusiasm about our hobby. Good half (if not more) practical advice D. Carnegie is based precisely on such a flattering tactic. AT this case possible offense is prevented by flattery - but is such a “treatment” benign?

4.12. Resentment against the offended

Worldly pride, among its various manifestations, is sometimes proved and revealed by anger at the one to whom injustice has been done, and by the expectation that he himself begs for forgiveness - a relatively rare, but the surest sign of pride, i.e. we are offended by the reaction of the person we have offended, and this reaction is not necessarily aggressive or hostile towards us - but we are still unhappy, considering this reaction “wrong”, “inadequate”. For example, a mother rudely reprimanded her son for a minor offense, he was offended and closed up, and she, seeing disobedience and hostility in this, inflamed in anger and resentment even more: “Look! Offended! Who are you offended by? Are you offended by your mother?!” This is both an insult to the offended, and an example of mutual resentment. Another, more subtle, situation is also quite common: the offender expects from his victim the usual reciprocal irritation, anger, and is ready to wage war further - and suddenly not a word in response, humility and kindness! In one ironic poem by A.K. Tolstoy on this occasion there is a very true remark: “Good for evil, a spoiled heart - ah! won't forgive." The words of Dmitry Karamazov can also be to some extent an explanation: “She cannot forgive me that I surpassed her in nobility.” Very indicative in this regard is the story of A. Platonov "Yushka", whose hero, with his meekness, caused anger among the townsfolk.

Resentment against the offended is a sign of strong, developed pride and at the same time an indication that pride itself is a complex phenomenon, sometimes very sophisticated. If, for example, “pride-exaltation” is visible in an insult to insensitivity, then the cause of resentment against the offended may be a kind of “pride-envy”, perhaps the most terrible and self-destructive for a person.

It can be assumed with a high degree of probability: in such cases, the feeling of envy of the offender comes from an intuitive or obvious realization that the offended is not like him, that the offended is morally superior to him. It would seem that one should rejoice that the Lord sends such a person to the offender - but no, pride does not allow it! An honest answer to the question to oneself can clarify the situation: so what exactly did he do to me that made me offended? However, it must be admitted that often a person who is in a state of resentment towards the offended is simply not able to ask himself such a question or, being in a strong annoyance and considering himself right, does not consider it necessary to think about it.

In the already mentioned story by A. Platonov “Yushka”, a similar situation developed in the following way: “Adult people have experienced evil grief or resentment; or they were drunk, then their hearts were filled with fierce rage. Seeing Yushka walking to the smithy or across the yard for the night, an adult said to him: “Why are you so blessed, unlike you, walking here? What do you think is so special?" And after a conversation, during which Yushka was silent, an adult was convinced that Yushka was to blame for everything, and immediately beat him.

5. Ways to overcome resentment

We can continue to continue numerous examples of the causes of all kinds of grievances, but we hope that the main ones are still indicated - according to the “severity”. Let us also take into account the fact that, as a rule, there are no clearly defined causes of resentment in a “pure” form, most often any reason causes a whole complex of resentments, each of which is repelled from its specific reason, seen in the primary reason by the offended party (reasons which, by the way, the offender may not be aware of).

Let's take, for example, a quarrel between former friends and colleagues: Troekurov and old Dubrovsky (A.S. Pushkin "Dubrovsky"). At first glance, there is no direct correspondence to this case in our classification. However, it is not difficult to see here both an insult (an incident in the kennel), and a non-recognition of authority, and neglect, and even betrayal (of an old friendship). As you can see, the reasons for human offenses are so diverse, sophisticated and insidious that one must truly have the powerful armor of God in order to resist all the intricate reasons for offense. Here we need “the belt of truth, and the armor of righteousness, and the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit” ().

Meanwhile, unfortunately, there is a whole layer of people who simply live offended, they cannot do otherwise, because they are used to operating with excessive demands on others and very low demands on themselves. And since the requirements are growing, and their implementation does not come, a pathological background of resentment of the egoistic nature for everything and everything arises. “The well-known principles are used: “the whole world lies in evil”, “man is a wolf to man”, “everyone dies alone” and other similar self-justifications. I just want to say in a simple way: well, do not lie in evil! don't be a wolf! don't die alone! Will not listen. Used to. Stubborn. Moreover, it is convenient. When such an “offended” one starts up in a family or a team, then everyone around them is somehow embarrassed, put out, feel some kind of “guilt” and awkwardness in front of him, fawn at times, embarrass themselves in some way, respecting his “vulnerability”. And he is secretly glad, receiving a moral advantage, taking all this for granted and strengthening in his “offendedness”.

One often hears the opinion: “Oh, she is so vulnerable!”, “He is so vulnerable!”, - in other words, it is tacitly assumed that you can be rude and rude with us - we primitives will survive, but here he is ( or she) - the structure is thin, fragile, just a little offended. However, according to numerous observations, “vulnerability” is nothing more than a well-developed touchiness, nothing more. Let's think: were the saints "vulnerable"? The question is absurd. First of all, they were not touchy, they didn’t know what an insult was at all, they knew how to forgive - and the question of “vulnerability” did not even arise: “I didn’t get embarrassed and didn’t exclaim!”. We can say: everyone is vulnerable to one degree or another, but few know how to be inoffensive.

In general, insensitivity is truly a gift of God, a great rarity among people (of course, we are not talking about pathological immunity, “thick-skinned”). For example, F.M. Dostoevsky wrote about Alyosha Karamazov: “I never remembered the offense. It happened that an hour after the insult, he answered the offender or spoke to him himself with such a trusting and clear air, as if nothing had happened between them at all. And it’s not that at the same time he pretended that he accidentally forgot or deliberately forgave the offense, but simply did not consider it an offense (my italics - N.P.), and this decisively captivated and conquered the children.

The question of forgiveness of offense and the offender is very difficult. Often we say: “I have forgiven everything, but I can’t forget” or “I have forgiven, but forgetting is beyond my strength.” But let us imagine: what if the Lord says to us at the Last Judgment: “I forgive, but I will not forget” - will this be forgiveness? And can the Lord say so? In the earthly life of Jesus Christ, people heard only: “Your sins are forgiven”, “Your faith has saved you”, “And I do not condemn you”, and not once - that he has forgiven, but will not forget.

As for the homely atmosphere, we can recommend the following. First of all, it is advisable not to bring the situation to the point of resentment. And of course, to deal with resentment in oneself. It is also important to try to sort out the causes of conflicts with the children. A child can and should endure sorrows - this is the way of all people, but the result of childhood experiences should be a spiritual experience, and not resentment corroding the heart. “Children need to pay attention to inner world, to teach them to delve into the state of mind of other people, to put themselves in the place of the offended, to feel what he should feel. And most importantly - do not encourage self-love, vanity, pride, self-admiration. Care more about others than about your "I". And the verb "offended" to pronounce about yourself, repentantly, and never use its reflexive form "offended." A very important form of combating resentment is the now almost completely lost atmosphere of home conversations, family oral reading, when moral questions and collisions of what is read are intertwined with life, discussed and sorted out together. No less important in the family way of life is the habit of asking each other for forgiveness and even such a seemingly trifle as wishing each other good morning and good night.

Conclusion

1. The state of resentment in the mental sense is abnormal, in the spiritual sense it is sinful.
2. The sinfulness of resentment is complex, complex, necessarily containing pride.
3. Overcoming the state of resentment (and resentment in general) is the necessity of the moral life of a Christian.
4. Overcoming offense is possible only with the help of God.

The main conclusion can be formulated as follows: resentment is grumbling against the Lord, desecration of the image of God in man: both in himself and in the offender. This is a terrible moral burden, a severe temptation - therefore, the duty of a Christian is not to bring relations to insults, first of all, not to offend a person, but to uproot one's personal resentment. To do this, it is necessary to navigate the main causes of resentment, to identify the mechanism of action of each cause in oneself and to widely use the patristic spiritual practice to overcome resentment, their consequences, and resentment itself.

List of used literature

1. Priest Sergiy Nikolaev. If you have been offended. - M. Danilovsky evangelist, 1998.

2. Philokalia. T.2. - M .: Tipo-Lithography I. Efimov, 1895.

3. Archbishop John of San Francisco (Shakhovskoy). Apocalypse of Petty Sin. - St. Petersburg: St. Petersburg Blagotv. total in the name of St. Ap. Pavel, 1997.

4. Ilyin E.P. Emotions and feelings. - St. Petersburg: "Peter", 2001.

5. Archimandrite Ambrose (Yurasov). About Faith and Salvation. Questions and answers. - Ivanovo: Holy Entry. female Mon., 1998.

6. mental states/ Comp. and general ed. L.V. Kulikova. - St. Petersburg: "Peter", 2001.

7. Archpriest. Moral theology for the laity. - M .: ed. Donskoy Mon., "Rule of Faith", 1994.

8. Shevandrin N.I. Social Psychology in education. - M .: "VLADOS", 1995.

9. “How many times to forgive my brother…” / newspaper “Unexpected Joy” December 26, 1997. - Gatchina: ed. Pavlovsky Cathedral.

10. Archpriest Vl. Sveshnikov. Essays on Christian Ethics. - M .: "Palomnik", 2000.

11. Polovinkin A.I. Orthodox spiritual culture. - M .: "Izd. VLADOS-PRESS", 2003.

12. Horney Karen. Collected Op. in 3 vols. T. 3. Our internal conflicts. Neurosis and personality development. - M .: "Meaning", 1997.

13. Priest Konstantin Ostrovsky. Life equals eternity. Salvation lessons. - Krasnogorsk: Assumption Church, 1998.

14. Abba Dorotheos. Teachings, messages, questions, answers. Repr. - M.: MTC "AKTIS", 1991.

15. The path to perfect joy. Comp. A. Rakov, B. Semenov. - St. Petersburg: JSC "SPb printing house No. 6", 1996.

16. Reverend Father Abba John. Ladder. - St. Petersburg: Tikhv. Success husband. Mon., 1995.

17. Spiritual flowers, or extracts from the writings of the fathers of ascetics about spiritual life. - Moscow-Riga: Blagovest, 1995.

18. Saint John Chrysostom. Selected Conversations. – M.: Pravosl. Brotherhood of St. app. John the Evangelist, 2001.

19. Pozdnyakov N.I. Our grievances. / "Morskaya Gazeta" 4, September 11, 1999 - St. Petersburg - Kronstadt: ed. LenVMB.

20. Orthodox prayer book. - M .: "Father's House", 2002.

21. Archimandrite. Sermons. - M .: ed. Moscow sub. St.-Tr.-Serg. Lavra, 1997.

22. Sukhinina N.E. Barbecue for older brother. "Russian House" No. 6, 2003.

23. Platonov A.P. The origin of the master Leads, stories. Comp. M.A. Platonov. - Kemerovo: Kemerovo book publishing house, 1977.

24. Dostoevsky F.M. Brothers Karamazov. - M .: " Fiction", 1988.

25. On faith and morality according to the teachings of the Orthodox Church. Digest of articles. - M .: ed. Moscow Patr., 1991.

26. Enter into my joy. Pious reflections of an Orthodox Christian about his soul. - M .: "Lamp", 1996.

27. Vasilevskaya V. Ushinsky's teaching about education / in the book:. Ours and our children. - M .: "Martis", 1993.

N.I. Pozdnyakov Senior Research Fellow, Naval Institute of Radio Electronics. A.S. Popova

Printed by decision of the Research Laboratory
Christian (Orthodox) Pedagogy GOU VPO RGPU them. A.I. Herzen
Intercession educational and educational leaflets. Issue 29, St. Petersburg: NESTOR, 2008. - 26 p. ISSN 5-303-00204-7 © Nestor

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If you notice that in a relationship, either you or your partner constantly began to experience this feeling, then most likely the problem is somewhere deeper. We can react violently to some minor flaws (dirty plate on the table or lunch not cooked on time), however the root of the problem will be one - unmet expectations. And this is what we need to work with, instead of once again making a scandal because of scattered socks.

Resentment helps to deal with the situation

This point follows smoothly from the previous one. You noticed that you began to take offense often, and realized that something was wrong. We begin to understand the situation. What caused you such a reaction? Why are you offended? Maybe the person didn’t want to hurt you and you yourself “took fire on yourself”? Anyway Dealing constructively with resentment is already much easier for yourself The main thing is to be honest with yourself.

Resentment helps to get rid of toxic relationships

A normal person does not like to be in negative emotions. That's we, in order to avoid resentment, begin to think about “preventive measures”. For example, we precisely discuss what we want to get in the end, we express our thoughts more clearly in order to eliminate misunderstandings, etc. This avoidance of resentment is constructive and saves us from unnecessary worries.

Resentment at work allows us to understand that we are being treated unfairly and we need to restore our rights

The most important thing that gives us resentment is forgiveness.. We're not going anywhere from living even negative emotions, so the only thing we can do about it is to understand why they arise and forgive the offender. Of course, it is quite difficult to step over serious grievances, but, as Nelson Mandela said, “To be offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies.” Remember that we are not offended, but we are offended, and in order to forgive your offender, it is enough to take his place and think about why he offended you. Maybe this was not the purpose of his behavior, and if they specifically wanted to offend us, then it makes no sense to waste your energy on communicating with such a person. Forgiving and forgetting conflict situation we make our lives fuller and more positive.

Maybe you have your own options for how to forgive the offender? Share with us in the comments.

Resentment in psychology is a strong destructive feeling that has a destructive effect. Offended, people refuse to communicate with loved ones, change the attitude of others towards themselves, and harm their own health. She leaves behind pain and emptiness that will haunt for a long time: days, weeks, even years. When the pain gradually calms down, insulting words, gestures, looks suddenly resurface in the memories - and the state returns, and with its former strength. To avoid such situations, one must learn to transform negative reactions, get rid of accumulated attitudes that are harmful to harmony.

The state of resentment occurs when one, during communication, utters or performs actions that go beyond what is permitted in the opinion of the other. It is characterized by the following conditions:

• dislike;
• irritation;
• mental pain;
• annoyance;
• feeling of betrayal;
• the desire to cause the same injury to the interlocutor;
• exclusively subjective assessment of the situation due to the blocking of consciousness;
• anger.

In psychology, the basis of resentment is a state after unfulfilled expectations from the interlocutor:

• real - I expected you to fulfill this promise;
• imaginary - I thought you would do this, and not in another way.

The reaction comes regardless of the nature of the expectations. Then it goes along one of the paths: it breaks out or hides inside the personality. The first path in most cases leads to conflicts, the second - to internal and prolonged coldness towards the offender.

While one of the participants in the conflict is offended, the second feels guilty. If this does not happen, the state of resentment becomes useless. Feelings of resentment cannot be experienced in relation to an object that cannot react: animals, unfamiliar, inanimate objects. They will not cause feelings of resentment, and those who will definitely avoid remorse will refuse to correct the situation. Their words will leave rather a reaction of anger, annoyance, insults.

How to deal with resentment?

The reaction to an unpleasant situation depends on the type of personality:

• persons with increased expressiveness, choleric, active extroverts splash out emotion on the opponent. The resulting misunderstanding affects relationships, can quarrel, make enemies;
• persons of a melancholic warehouse prefer to keep a negative reaction inside, put pressure on the opponent's conscience with hidden levers. The feeling of injustice of the interlocutor causes depression. The conflict may not carry a bright negative connotation, but such people can be offended for years, hiding their view of what happened and not trying to correct the situation.

Psychology of personal resentment: how does this feeling arise and what is it fraught with?

The basis of personal negative reactions is considered to be incorrect ideas about the interlocutor, a comparison of one's picture of the world with his worldview.

Each individual develops his own set of ideas about the surrounding space over time. It is good if the acceptable behavior patterns of the interlocutors approximately coincide. Disagreements, with a biased assessment, lead to the reaction: "I thought you would do it differently", "I think your words are wrong."

The causes of occurrence are conditionally divided into three groups:

1. Unconscious manipulation due to the inability to forgive. A common cause of resentment according to psychologists.
2. in order to make the interlocutor feel guilty, and then get what they want.
3. Failed expectations. If you perceive your picture of the world as the only true one, then the expectations associated with other people will sooner or later not come true. Reasons can be both significant and trifling. A colleague will forget to give a lift to the house (“But I gave him a lift several times! He should have offered me the same thing!”), A friend from social networks I forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I congratulated him. I’ll put it on a special list, then I’ll specifically ignore his name day!”) - this is how resentment happens.

If a person is constantly offended, psychology promises him the following consequences:

• loss of communication with others. Not only that, not all friends are ready to feel guilty for someone's destructive logic, trying to restore relationships. It may happen that the offender will tell others about the conflict, after which they will shun the offended;
• not everyone is ready to sort out the reasons aggressive behavior another, to guess whether he was offended by something, and if so, then what exactly. Most people just don't get it. The offended person has to keep the destructive emotion inside, not understanding how to get out of the situation;
• resentment (unspoken - in particular) undermines physical health, as it is directly related to nervous system. Experiences due to the loss of harmonious communication with loved ones, hurt one's own interests can affect the physical condition.

Resentment from the point of view of psychology

As the psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valeryevich Baturin notes, this is one of the most common reasons for seeking advice. It happens that a person formulates his problem in a completely different way, incorrectly building cause-and-effect relationships. At the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the current situation was precisely the offense. Therefore, with serious difficulties in interacting with others, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.

The psychology of resentment distinguishes several types of this feeling:

• Imaginary - based on a conscious desire to manipulate a loved one, to attract his attention. There is an exact calculation: “now I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make amends, for example, make a pleasant surprise.” This is often abused by children, thus demanding from their parents what they want;
• Random - occurs when disagreements arise between the interlocutors. Instead of a reasoned dispute, a negative reaction appears. The conversation immediately changes direction: attempts to make amends begin, to get forgiveness, a conflict occurs or communication simply stops;
• With an erroneous vector - for example, the parents awarded the sister with a sweet gift for the "five" in the diary, and the brother does not study well, so he was left without a gift. Instead of learning a lesson by raising his grades, the brother begins to take offense at his sister, behaves accordingly in relation to her. She, despite her lack of guilt, feels remorse;
• Hidden - does not appear externally. There are many reasons for this: a person is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, he was brought up with the attitude “offended is bad”, he simply does not want to conflict at a particular moment, etc. Sooner or later, the emotion will find a way out. But all the time while it is inside, a person experiences the smallest details of the conflict over and over again, continuing to give a load to the nervous system.

In psychology, a sense of resentment is characteristic of most people. But some are rarely offended for really serious reasons, while others make it their lifestyle. They are ready to look for reasons in everything, and then meekly wait for the world to apologize and have a beneficial effect on their self-esteem.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

This emotion provokes diseases and failures in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ can be affected.

Aggression, as an integral component of any negative reaction, rarely finds a way out in full. Part remains inside until the person gets rid of memories of the situation, switching attention to other topics. Once inside, an aggressive reaction has a devastating effect on:

• nervous system: headaches, discomfort in the solar plexus, problems with the spine;
• endocrine system: hormonal balance is disturbed against the background of experiences, which provokes other diseases.

Most often, according to psychology, touchy people suffer. The heart muscle takes the blow of any experience. Unspoken or unfinished resentment exacerbates chronic diseases, adds new ones. For example, gynecological problems, up to infertility with an unexplained cause, may be associated with omissions between partners. Often there are depressions, oppressed conditions. Especially difficult cases transform the accumulated negativity into oncological diseases or suicide attempts.

Timely work with character will help to avoid especially serious conditions. Psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin claims: it is never too late to start building a harmonious personality:

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

By its nature, such a reaction is only one of the many feelings that a person is capable of manifesting. But the impact on relationships with the outside world is so destructive that it is recommended to get rid of resentment, to minimize it.

Negative manifestations:

• spoils relationships with loved ones;
• makes a touchy person unbearable;
• forms a negative image among acquaintances and colleagues;
• affects the physical condition;
• takes a lot of time.

It is curious: for the "victim" in this bad habit there is nothing negative. Why does a person take offense at trifles? Psychology gives the answer: this is a simple and effective way to manipulate others. Offended - got what he wanted. The goal has been reached.

In fact, the positive manifestations of these reactions are different:

• a chance to reveal your weaknesses. Words, actions hurt when they hurt the living. Is it possible to somehow protect, work out, strengthen the weakened "bastion" of the personality in order to avoid repetition? By the way, this is one way to distract yourself: start working out ways to protect yourself in the future;
• defensive reaction from pain There is a respite, time to switch from the very fact of parting to a sense of injustice;
• one of the ways to get rid of the accumulated negativity. In the process of getting rid of negative attitudes, a person clears away the “blockages” of annoyance, anger, indignation and despondency, which have imperceptibly accumulated.

Why let go of resentment?

Touchiness in psychology, if there are no signs of a conscious bad habit in it, is, in fact, a subjective assessment of other people's life beliefs. Due to the fact that someone thinks differently, does not live up to expectations, the victim suffers. The responsibility for suffering in most cases lies with her.

Getting rid of the feeling of resentment brings to life:

• calm;
• relief of the soul;
• physical health;
• psycho-emotional well-being;
• inspiration and success.

There is no point in wasting your time on annoyance and anger about the fact that a loved one or colleague did not do something or did it in his own way. At the first sign of appearance, you need to take control of the situation and get rid of destructive emotions.

In the process of deliverance, it will be important to analyze what is happening in order to prevent repetition in the future. For example, if a loved one did not make a gift on the occasion of a certain date, you need to figure out why this happened. He forgot? So, next time it is worth reminding him in advance, preferably in a mild form, so that he does not take offense.

How to forgive an offense?

Resentment is an acquired property of character in psychology. We learn this from the adults around us, adopt it as a bad habit, and then look for ways to get rid of it for a long time.

Two tips for victims:

• throw these experiences out of the heart;
• learn to forgive.

For someone who has been accustomed all his life to be offended by others, to manipulate them consciously or unconsciously, it is difficult to follow these tips. Clients of psychologists often misunderstand what is meant by seemingly simple phrases.

Down with resentment from the heart

For this there is good exercise: emotional isolation. It is based on simple example. The offender is perceived by the victim as a source of conflict. If she sees him every day without the ability to isolate physically (for example, colleagues working in the same office), you should try to turn off any emotions in relation to the offender. Notepad, pen, paper on the table do not cause any emotions. The same neutral indifference must be formed in relation to the offender. It might be difficult at first. But over time, a quarrel based on subjective perception will be forgotten, the conflict will be settled. Neutrality is the best assistant for those who want to get rid of the negative consequences of communication.

How to achieve neutrality? Work out the conflict situation once with yourself or a psychologist, come to the conclusion: the negative reaction is caused by unjustified expectations in relation to the opponent, who could not reach the set bar in any way. Release the offender along with his inner perception of the world, norms, attitudes.

How a psychologist can help: teach how to train stress resistance. Emotional stability is a guarantee

Learning to forgive

Forgiveness - conscious state sincere, always comes from the heart. Only such a deep feeling really helps to cope with conflicts faster, as well as control the situation, stopping attempts to offend and the desire to be offended in time.

To learn to forgive, you need to work daily with your life attitudes and change them. You can do this in any state, even if at that moment there is no resentment in the heart.

Five Steps to Forgiveness and Love:

1. Live in harmony with your emotions.
2. Learn to let go of the past, live for today.
3. Control states, choose them consciously (“I choose forgiveness, not revenge”).
4. Learn lessons from each situation and use them in the future.
5. Forgive yourself, give others love and light.

How a psychologist can help: There are learning exercises for each step. A written presentation of one's own views, positions, attitudes, followed by analysis, helps well. If you have a strong desire to follow this path, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist Nikita Baturin. With its help, it is easier to learn how to get rid of resentment.

How can you help your child deal with resentment?

It is generally accepted that offended is characteristic of people from the age of 2-3 years. This is the period of the beginning of active interaction of the individual with the outside world. The kid learns what emotions are available to him, why they are, how they manifest themselves. He can not only be offended, but also demonstrate his reaction. If the surrounding adults do not prompt in time what is happening to him, but simply make amends with gifts from time to time, the child will learn to manipulate.

The ability to consciously be offended remains until adulthood. Resentment is to some extent a “childish” feeling that does not grow with the owner. Adults are offended by others like five-year-old children.

Responsibility for such behavior lies on the shoulders of parents, guardians, teachers. So that a person does not grow up touchy, psychology gives some advice to educators of young children.

1. You can't ignore your child's emotions. Explain, pronounce each reaction. The offended child needs to calmly tell the essence of what is happening. If he tries to persuade him to buy his favorite sweets or toys, calmly explain why the purchase is impossible. The more often you ignore your child's feelings, the longer and harder it will be to get rid of bad emotional habits.
2. Children should not be allowed to show emotions. After all, what is resentment in psychology? This is a destructive feeling that destroys external ties, depriving inner harmony. It cannot be hidden inside, "because it is not customary to be offended." The sooner you instill in a person the habit of transforming negative reactions into life experiences, the easier it will be in adulthood.
3. Punishment for the manifestation of such reactions provokes a desire for revenge.
4. Teach children to forgive. This can be done with the help of books, films, stories. The best way This is, of course, my own example.

They say that you need to prepare psychologically. It is necessary to build a harmonious personality in order to easily instill these qualities in children later. Leading by example was and still is the best teacher.

Resentment in childhood is not only a negative emotion. This is a great opportunity to learn introspection, behavior control. The child learns to draw conclusions, build a strategy of behavior. Therefore, do not be afraid of children's emotions, fight them. You just need to choose the right keys to the heart of the baby.

Summing up, we can say: resentment is also a medicine, you just need the right dosage. If this is not manipulation and a good habit to get what you want, then a negative reaction to words or actions can be considered as one of the feelings inherent in the personality. The higher the emotional intelligence, the more benefit is derived from hurtful situations. After introspection, such a person seeks to quickly get rid of negative consequences. This is the path to success, harmony with yourself and the world around you.