I Hear Through You read online. Mark Goulston I can hear you through. An effective negotiation technique. Mark Goulston "I Hear Through You" - review - The Psychology of Effective Living - online magazine

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand exactly what they want, and help them to the best of your ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded into almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my esteemed mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

CEOs, CEOs, and sales managers often say, "Talking to this person is like banging your forehead against a stone wall."

When I hear this, I answer: “Stop. Look for the weakest stone in this wall." Find this "stone" - what a person really needs from you, and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and communicate with people in a way that you could not even dream of before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win over anyone: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage takers, because he always finds the “weak stone.” Mark is a true genius at dealing with the most unsociable people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of the intellectual leaders of Ferrazzi Greenlight and my trusted advisor. After watching him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - listens when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

And by the way, don't focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. In addition, he is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Bring him to an office where everyone is at war with everyone, or to a sales department that can't get the attention of customers, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that everyone benefits from.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He's brilliant, funny, kind, and captivating, and his stories - from tales of Sunday uninvited guests to speeches by high-profile politicians - can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, hard-nosed people into your allies, loyal customers, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to persuading other people to take part in their plans, achieve their goals and fulfill their desires. But in fact, persuading people is not magic. It's an art... and a science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hocken. "Natural capitalism".

There are always people in your life that you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. It could be someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close - a spouse, parent, child, or an embittered "former".

You have tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleading, anger - but every time it was as if you were hitting a wall. You lose your head, are scared or frustrated and think: “What will happen next?”.

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't get free. You are captured - because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But a long time ago I discovered a special talent in myself. You can throw me into any situation and I can convince people. I can convince tough managers and angry workers that they need to work together to solve problems. I can get the attention of families that are falling apart and couples that have come to hate each other. I can even change the minds of people who have taken hostages or are about to commit suicide.

I wasn't sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was no smarter than others, but I realized that this success was not just luck: my approach had always worked, with perfect different types people in very different situations. One thing was not clear to me: why does it work?

Analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had stumbled upon a simple set of techniques (some I had discovered myself, and some I had borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine that you have to drive your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will spin, and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But one has only to downshift - and get full control. You seem to be pulling the road towards you.

Most people, trying to convince others, shift into high gears. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get exactly the opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard.

When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And this unexpected downshift will lead them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn about in this book can shift people's minds from "no" to "yes" easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day - to help couples on the brink of divorce, companies on the brink of bankruptcy, management teams unable to effectively collaborate, and salespeople to help them make "impossible" sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators succeed in the most difficult hostage situations when we are talking about life and death.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to getting in touch with people who don't want to listen to you. That is why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in the parking lot of a large shopping mall. There is no one around him because he is holding the muzzle of a shotgun to his throat. The SWAT team and the negotiating team have already been called in. The SWAT team arrives and positions themselves behind the vehicles, trying to stay out of Frank's eyes.

While the negotiators are waiting, information about Frank is being collected. In his early thirties, he worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but lost his job six months ago because he was rude to customers and colleagues and even yelled. Frank went through several job interviews but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break in the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves into a squalid room in a poor area of the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which he was exposed to the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you don't have a choice, but you do.

What do you know about this shit? You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! Frank exclaims.

Russian name: I can hear you through - Efficient technique negotiations
original name: Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
Cover:

Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, journalist and business consultant. He is the author of the books “Don't bother yourself” and “Mental traps at work”.

publishing house: Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2011

Key Ideas

To learn how to convince people, first learn to listen to them.
If you want to convince someone that you are right, find with him mutual language.
Bias and stereotypes should not affect how you perceive the words of the interlocutor.
Ask questions that encourage the person to talk about themselves, and listen carefully to the answers.
To overcome resistance and make you think about your arguments, the “impossible question” helps.
Ask the interlocutor to name something desirable, but not feasible, and then ask what prevents him from achieving this. By showing empathy at the right time, you can achieve the location of a person.
If a person is anxious and preoccupied with something, give him a reason to pour out negative emotions so that he can adequately perceive your words.
Don't try to hide problems that will come out anyway.
In some situations, the manager must be able to emphasize express gratitude or apologize to his employees.

Relevance

From summary In this book you will learn: 1) How to get along with people
in hard situations; 2) How to convince people that you are right; 3) What effective techniques to use persuasion in communication with relatives, friends, bosses, colleagues, clients, and even with aggressive strangers.

Even if you are considered the soul of society, this is unlikely to help convince a critical interlocutor. According to Mark Goulston, in order to convince someone to perform the action you need, you need to make that person feel your attention. Therefore, do not seek to arouse interest in yourself, but show interest in the interlocutor himself. At one time, the author of the book trained US intelligence officers to negotiate with terrorists for the release of hostages. By applying the techniques and techniques described in the book, you will learn how to overcome protective psychological barriers and convince the interlocutors of the correctness of their point of view. The author supports all his recommendations with memorable examples from real life. According to the site, this book will be useful to anyone who would like to develop their ability to find a common language with other people. If the author was able to dissuade a person who firmly decided to commit suicide from a fatal step, then his advice will surely help you convince not only clients, but also your teenage child.

Synopsis for "I Can Hear You"

Arguments for suicide

An armed man is sitting in a car outside the mall, threatening to commit suicide. The policeman negotiating with him clearly understands that there is almost no chance of a successful outcome. To find a common language with a man who has reached an extreme degree of desperation, he asks him: “You think that no one but you knows what it is to be in a hopeless situation, and now you think that there is nothing else left for you, right?” The man thinks for a second and answers: “Yes, no one knows this and no one cares!” In such a simple way, the negotiator managed to involve a potential suicide in a conversation.
The question hit the mark, and the man answered in the affirmative. This was the first step towards a peaceful resolution of the conflict. Trying to convince someone of something, people often act too persistently. They operate with arguments and facts, but this only strengthens the disagreement of the interlocutors. If you want to learn how to convince and convince others, stop relying on logic alone. Start listening to others, try to empathize with them and feel their feelings. You can reach out to another person only when he believes in your arguments. To do this, you need to overcome his rejection, and then make sure that he listens, thinks about what was said, and eventually agrees with your point of view.
Understanding the levels of organization in the human brain will help you master the art of persuasion. Its lowest level, the “reptilian brain,” governs defensive behavior and controls the most primitive reactions, such as
"fight or flight". Middle level– the “mammalian brain” is the receptacle of emotions, and the highest is the cortex hemispheres- responsible for logical thinking. The "brain of a reptile" turns on when a person encounters danger. The cortex of the hemispheres also reacts to it, but it does it more slowly, because first it needs to analyze this danger. If you begin to give logical arguments to a person whose “reptilian brain” has turned on, you will only be wasting your time. To find a common language with the interlocutor, you need to have time to win his favor before the defensive reaction works. This is the job of negotiators who deal with angry or frightened people. Important role The process of persuasion is also played by mirror neurons, clusters of nerve cells that allow people to adjust to others, empathize with them, and understand their feelings.

To convince others of the correctness of your point of view, observe the following rules:
1. Learn to quickly suppress feelings of indignation. In a stressful situation, your body is at the mercy of a defensive reaction. After a while, you calm down and regain the ability to think logically. To restore this ability in seconds instead of hours, learn how to quickly move from panic to calm concentration. When you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, note to yourself exactly how you feel. The moment you call fear fear and rage rage, the logical part of your brain kicks in and you gain control over your emotions. Gradually, you will learn to calmly respond to situations of acute discomfort, and this skill will serve you well when establishing contacts with others.
2. Switch to listening. Our perception of the words and actions of another person depends on our opinion of him - often biased. For example, if the secretary forgets to hand over a package of important documents to the courier, you are likely to think that she is not doing her job well. However, you will change your mind if you find out that she spent the whole night at the bedside of her sick relative. By making hasty judgments about people, we fail to hear what they are trying to tell us. Learn to monitor your reaction to the words and actions of other people. Always strive to understand which judgments about others are based on real grounds, and which stem from preconceived notions.
3. Let the other person feel that you understand their emotions. When you empathize with a person, he stops feeling lonely. First of all, pay attention to the experiences of the people around you, and not what you want to achieve from them. Try the next trick. Tell the person, “I want to understand how you feel. I think you…” and describe his emotions.
4. Show interest in others. Most people want to impress others and try to get their attention. However, a person who is primarily concerned with the impression he makes usually does not listen to the interlocutor. Therefore, in a conversation, pay all attention to the interlocutor. Let him feel that he is playing the first violin. Ask him questions from time to time and listen carefully to the answers. Check whether you understood the interlocutor well by repeating his remarks in a paraphrased form.
5. Show people that you appreciate them. Each of us wants to be significant person. Show others that you appreciate them, and they will trust you back. It's easy to tell the person you like that you appreciate them -
it is much more difficult to say this to someone who arouses your dislike. It should not be forgotten that the behavior of such people often has quite understandable reasons. As a rule, the people you dislike also want warmth and attention. Give it to them and you will win their favor.
6. Help people express their emotions. A frustrated person does not make contact well, because his thoughts are occupied with a problem that worries him. Help him to throw out negative emotions outward to feel relief, and then it will be easier for you to find a common language with him. Let the person talk. Do not interrupt and do not rush to give advice. Your task is to listen and from time to time ask the interlocutor to continue. To calm him down, invite him to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. This technique is especially effective when dealing with teenagers.
7. Get rid of falseness in own behavior. Your attempts to show your interlocutor your intelligence can be perceived as a desire to prick him, and ostentatious self-confidence as arrogance. The discrepancy between how others see you and your idea of it often becomes an obstacle.
in search of a common language with people. To find out what others think of you, ask a few people whose opinion you trust.
8. The best way out is frankness. When you pretend that everything is fine with you, when in fact it is not, you seem to be erecting an invisible wall between yourself and those around you. Sometimes you need to show people your vulnerability. By doing so, you will find that most of them will willingly forgive you for mistakes and offer their help. Ask for help before you really need it.
9. Avoid people who provoke conflicts. Sometimes we meet people who can only absorb other people's energy and demand attention. They are always dissatisfied with something, it doesn’t cost them anything to let a person down, they always find an excuse for their mistakes and in every possible way avoid taking responsibility. When encountering such people, try to keep them to a minimum. negative influence or completely withdraw from communication with them.

Twelve easy ways to get along with people

In finding a way out of difficult situations, use the following techniques:
1. "The question of the impossible." People are always ready to call whole line plausible reasons why you shouldn't do what you're about to do. The main thing in such a situation is to convince them of the achievability of the goal. To do this, you can use a trick invented by business consultant Dave Hibbard. When the interlocutor dismisses an idea as impossible, ask him the question: “Is there anything that is almost impossible to do, but if you do it, you will achieve tremendous success?” After listening to the answer, ask: “What needs to be done to make this possible?” So you will overcome defensive reaction interlocutor and make him think - now he will not resist your arguments and will begin to think in the same direction as you.
2. "Magic Trick". When things are not going well for a person, he tenses up and takes a defensive position. Do not rush to scold him, but try to understand what feelings he is experiencing. Surprise him by saying, "I bet you're sure no one knows how hard you try and how much pressure you have to work under." Seeing that you understand him well, the employee will begin to agree with you, and as a result, the general tone of the conversation will change from negative to positive.
3. "The charge of empathy." There are people who like to criticize others. However, such splashing of negativity can hardly be considered normal communication. To stop a person who is carried away by the accusation of others, give him a "charge of empathy", that is, help him move from irritation to sympathy. If one person criticizes someone in front of you, invite him to put himself in the place of the second. When the accuser begins to empathize with the accused, negative emotions will fade into the background, giving way to a readiness for dialogue.
4. “Reverse charge of empathy.” This technique is effective in dealing with an employee who knows that he does not enjoy your favor. Its essence is
in the following: instead of making claims to such a person, apologize to him. List situations in which you may have been unfair to him. For example, you might say, “You probably think that I give you all the most boring work.” If the employee agrees, express your regret and promise to fix the situation. After such a conversation, the employee will return to work with fresh forces.
5. “Do you really think so?” People tend to exaggerate the severity of the problems they face. When the interlocutor shows strong anxiety about some problem, calmly ask him: “Do you really think that everything is that bad?” This question will make him look at the situation differently. In the same cases when a person believes that the problem he is facing is really very serious, offer him help in solving it.
6. The power of “hmm…” Communicating with a person who is very annoyed by something is not easy. The first thing you want to do in such a situation is to show retaliatory aggression or take a defensive position. However, instead of all this, try just saying "hmm ...". This simple technique will encourage the person to speak up and show that you are paying attention to their feelings. Tension will decrease, and the interlocutor will tune in to find a solution to the problem that worries him.
7. “Communicative Gambit”. Don't hide your flaws. For example, if you stutter, make it known at the very beginning of the conversation so that both you and the other person do not become uncomfortable. By voluntarily talking about your shortcomings in a job interview, you can explain to a potential employer why these shortcomings do not affect your professional qualities in any way.
8. From superficial to genuine communication. Most conversations between people relate to everyday trifles and do not affect their experiences. To establish a strong connection with a person, ask him a question that will encourage him to think, and then tell something personally about himself. For example, ask him: “If you had the opportunity to change something in the way the company works, what would you do?” or “Did you have a hard time early in your career?”
9. "Side by side." One of the most effective ways find a common language with a person - communicate with him when, for example, you dine at the same table, prepare correspondence for sending, or drive a car. Contacts of this kind are conducive to a sincere conversation. Use these situations to get to know your interlocutor better. This method is also effective in communication between parents and children.
10. Filling in the gaps. Any experienced sales professional knows that a conversation with a customer should not be turned into an interrogation. Invite the interlocutor to “fill in the gaps” in the conversation. For example, say to the client: “You are going to buy our software package because…”, and then invite him to complete the sentence himself. The client will thus be able to explain in his own words what he really needs.
11. “Is “no” really a “no”? If you have not heard a decisive and unequivocal refusal from the client, then perhaps all is not lost. In the business world, “no” sometimes means “maybe,” so always have a clarifying question ready. For example, if a potential client says that he is not interested in your company's products, try asking him: “Maybe I was too insistent ... Did I miss something important for you?” This will re-engage him in the conversation, and you will have a chance to get him to agree.
12. Emphasized expression of gratitude or regret. In some situations, more than just a “thank you” is required of us. To do this, thank the employee in the presence of colleagues, issue a written thanks or give a gift. Let people know that you appreciate their efforts and what their work means for you. great importance. There are also situations that require a special approach to expressing regret (for example, in cases where a simple “sorry” will not be enough). This approach consists of the steps of showing remorse, correcting the mistake, restoring trust, and asking for forgiveness.

Estimates for the book from the site site

Buy a book in the online store

I hear right through you. Effective Negotiation Technique Mark Goulston

(ratings: 1 , the average: 5,00 out of 5)

Title: I can hear you through. Effective Negotiation Technique
Author: Mark Goulston
Year: 2011
Genre: Foreign business literature, Marketing, PR, advertising, Management, recruitment

About the book “I hear you through. An Effective Negotiation Technique by Mark Goulston

A life modern man has gained such a crazy pace that very often any of us finds ourselves in situations where we are trying to convey something to a partner, but they simply do not hear us or do not want to listen. Similarly, we ourselves do not listen, but only try to bend our line, not realizing that we will hardly achieve success with such behavior. This situation is typical for absolutely any sphere of our life, whether it be work, negotiations in any instances, or the area of personal relationships. Communication skills that used to be effective are now completely useless. What to do? How to "get through"? How can I be heard?

Mark Goulston found answers to all questions. They are in his new book, I Hear Through You. Effective Negotiation Technique. And this is exactly the case when the name speaks for itself.

One of the best tips regarding his technique, Goulston offers to analyze and see what a person really needs from you and then the highest barriers to communication with people will be overcome.

Thanks to the techniques presented in the book, the reader will learn not only to convince people, but also to understand their fears and despair. After all, in any human communication, it is important, first of all, to have a human relationship with each other. And it is this ability to listen and hear that lies at the heart of any successful negotiation.

Who is I Hear Through You for? For everybody. For a businessman to successfully negotiate and manage employees; for children who, as a rule, find it quite difficult to find a common language with their parents; for all people, without exception, who want to be heard and understood, to achieve their goal, to get all the positive maximum that is possible from communication and work.

On our site about books site you can download for free or read online book“I can hear right through you. Effective Negotiation Technique" by Mark Goulston in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and a real pleasure to read. Buy full version you can have our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For novice writers, there is a separate section with useful tips and tricks, interesting articles, thanks to which you can try your hand at writing.

Quotes from the book "I hear you through. An Effective Negotiation Technique by Mark Goulston

Most of life is a matter of perception, and more often than not, the wrong one.

Before you start solving a problem someone suggested, make sure that it really exists.

Think about which part of your acquaintance resorts to hyperbole to prove his words, who tires you with his theatrical performances and makes you want to run away every time you see him.
The next time he starts his impassioned outpouring, count to five and ask, "Do you really think so?" Follow the retreat of this person, and then find out what the real problem is (if it exists at all).

A gram of apology is worth a kilogram of indignation and a ton of lectures.

I realized that it is much better to ask for help before the situation becomes critical. If you ask for help too late when everything has already happened, in the eyes of others it looks like an attempt to avoid punishment. But even in this case, it is better to ask for help than not to do it at all.

People who need constant support, get upset for any reason, are always dissatisfied with something, have one thing in common, which is the constant feeling that the world does not treat them as well as they would like. In fact, these people do not feel significant and unique in this world - usually because their own personal qualities push them out of the way to success.

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my esteemed mentor.

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

CEOs, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of the intellectual leaders of Ferrazzi Greenlight and my trusted advisor. After watching him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone, from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey, listens when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He's brilliant, funny, kind, and captivating, and his stories, from Sunday uninvited guests to high-profile politicians, can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, hard-nosed people into your allies, loyal customers, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

There are always people in your life that you need to convince of something.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "VegasLex"

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, edition in Russian, design. OOO "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer"I came, I saw, I convinced"

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron Macmillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand exactly what they want, and help them to the best of your ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded into almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my esteemed mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

CEOs, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of the intellectual leaders of Ferrazzi Greenlight and my trusted advisor. After watching him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone, from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey, listens when Mark talks about how to convince people, his methods are so simple and effective.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, funny, kind, and captivating, and his stories, from Sunday uninvited guests to high-profile politicians, can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, hard-nosed people into your allies, loyal customers, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one
Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hocken. "Natural Capitalism"

There are always people in your life that you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. It could be someone at work—a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close - a spouse, parent, child, or an embittered "former".

You've tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleading, anger, but every time it's like you hit a wall. You lose your head, are scared or frustrated and think: “What will happen next?”.

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't get free. You have been captured - because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I wasn't sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was no smarter than others, but I realized that this success is not just luck: my approach has always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. One thing was not clear to me: why does it work?

Most people, trying to convince others, shift into high gears. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus create resistance. If you start using the techniques I offer, you will get exactly the opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And this unexpected downshift will lead them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn about in this book can shift people's minds from "no" to "yes" easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day—to help couples on the brink of divorce, companies on the verge of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and salespeople to help them make the “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators succeed in the toughest life-and-death situations when releasing hostages.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to getting in touch with people who don't want to listen to you. That is why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in the parking lot of a large shopping mall. There is no one around him because he is holding the muzzle of a shotgun to his throat. SWAT and a team of negotiators have already been called. SWAT arrive and position themselves behind the cars, trying not to catch Frank's eye.

While the negotiators are waiting, information about Frank is being collected. In his early thirties, he worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but lost his job six months ago because he was rude to customers and colleagues and even yelled. Frank went through several job interviews but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break in the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves into a squalid room in a poor area of the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which he was exposed to the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

“Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you don't have a choice, but you do.

What do you know about this shit?! You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! Frank exclaims.

“I can't do that,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You are in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun at your throat, and I have to help you find another way out of this situation.

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! Frank counters.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that drag on for several minutes. As information about Frank comes in, it becomes clear that he is not a hardened villain, but simply a confused and desperate person in life. The SWAT team is ready to neutralize him at any moment if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. However, the situation is rather complicated and the chances of success are low.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator arrives, Detective Kramer. He went through the negotiation training I do for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been briefed on basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He proposes to Lieutenant Evans a new move:

"I'm asking you to tell this guy, 'I'm sure you think no one but you knows what it's like when you've tried all your options and now you think you only have one left, don't you?'

- What to say? Evans asks.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it: “I’m sure you think no one but you knows what it’s like when you’ve tried all the options and now you think you only have one left, right?”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, who answers with a question:

- What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

– Yes, you are right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer addresses Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the next question: “I’m sure you feel that no one knows what it’s like to start every day with the thought that everything will go wrong again would like to, right?"

Yes, the same thing happens every damn day! Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he just heard and get additional confirmation:

“And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going the way we would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with a desire to stop it all, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time you were okay in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after he was fired.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see... Tell me more...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, prompted by Kramer, Evans says:

“And because of all this, you got angry?” Or disappointed? Or lost confidence? Or lost hope? Tell me exactly what you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to come up with a word that best describes his feelings.

“I'm sick of everything,” Frank finally says.

- So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? Evans clarifies.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from not communicating at all to being willing to listen and talk. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion, which I call “pulling in,” has begun. The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to listen first, and then to understanding what has been said.

What made Frank start to listen and get involved in the words of Lieutenant Evans? After all, this shift was not accidental? The secret is to say exactly what Frank was thinking but didn't say out loud. And when the words of the lieutenant became consonant with Frank's thoughts, he was drawn into the conversation and began to say yes.