Soul binding 10.06.2017
Dear readers, today we continue our column, led by Elena Khutornaya, writer, blogger, creator of intuitive maps. And this time our conversation will focus on such a familiar topic of misunderstanding. How often we come across this in life, we try to resist, fight... But is this the way to really change something? Let's look at this from different angles. I give the floor to Lena.
Good afternoon, dear readers of Irina’s blog. Agree, the easiest thing to do when they don’t understand you is to just be offended by everyone. Or you can sigh heavily and sadly, saying, well, what can we take from you, wretches... Or you can get involved in a furious argument, or go into deep rejection, or pretend that everything is fine, while you languish inside and consume yourself with unspoken irritation... But what will they bring? do we need these habitual patterns of behavior? What except negative emotions, broken relationships? Perhaps we will experience a sense of superiority or be filled with a sense of self-righteousness. But is it worth experiencing all these feelings? And if not this, then what to do if they don’t understand you?
We often regard misunderstanding as people’s reluctance to do something for us, and, as a result, we really begin to blame them for not loving us, for not wanting to show us attention and sympathy. And this makes us feel lost, unnecessary, unloved...
See yourself in others
However, when we experience something like this, it is always worth asking ourselves the question - do we ourselves fully understand those who are close to us? After all, it probably happens that they also blame us for misunderstanding. And at such moments it seems to us that we, unlike some, have every reason to behave the way we do. And this is so - everyone always has justifications for their own actions.
You shouldn’t think that we never do things like others do – we just don’t notice it. Just like those around us, it seems to us at such moments that they are simply making mountains out of molehills when they present some claims to us.
For example, a wife wants the house to be clean, and she argues with her husband so that he takes off his shoes on the rug, and does not wear shoes throughout the apartment. And it seems to my husband, just think, a rug, shoes - something businesslike. But his wife definitely could not call him five times while he is driving along the intercity highway on one of his business trips or returning from it. He explained to her, and argued, and simply tried not to pick up the phone, but she continues to do so - now she worries whether he has arrived, whether it is raining, whether there is fog, then suddenly she remembers about some other very important matters that are sure to happen. we need to discuss it now, while he is traveling. It seems to her that she’s not really distracting him, is it difficult to answer? And anyway, she did it for a second and solely out of concern for him...
Or a young mother is absolutely sure that her three-year-old child could not cry so much because they did not have time to go to the playground. She’s tired, she still has to cook lunch, she didn’t get enough sleep, and in the morning she also had an argument with her dad - so she has problems, but is the playground really a problem? Well, we'll go tomorrow, she's not going anywhere!
Misunderstanding due to unwillingness to understand
And so it turns out that misunderstanding arises when we ourselves do not want to understand. It seems to us that those around us could well give up their interests for our sake, get into a position, take pity on us, support us, but instead they keep pulling and pulling to their side... But we are also pulling.
It is very important to accept as it is that for people something that we do not see any importance at all can be very important. I think this is partly the secret of happy couples - they allow each other to be who they are. Maybe they sometimes disagree with each other, maybe they speak out on this topic, try to convince each other, but when it doesn’t work, they just accept it as it is, without trying to reproach it.
The wife leaves her husband alone, wipes, sweeps the floor after him. He may grumble about it, but he buys a bigger rug, brings him everything from his rooms that he might have forgotten before leaving home, and doesn’t hold a grudge against him for it.
The husband gets a headset so that he can comfortably talk on the phone while driving, and calmly answers all his wife’s calls: yes, I’m on my way, everything is fine, no rain, no fog, not enough cars, kisses, my love.
The young mother is really tired, and there is no time to go to the playground, but she does not swear at the child, does not blame him for his lack of understanding and capriciousness, but comes home with him and comes up with another activity for him, no less interesting than the sandbox and swing. The child calms down, she calmly prepares dinner, and even has five minutes left to calmly drink a cup of tea.
The child cannot yet consciously do something for his mother, but thanks to her behavior, he will be calmer and more accommodating, and in the evening he will probably go to bed safely, and not fall into hysterics from overexcitation.
Thanks for your understanding
The most interesting thing is that when we begin to treat others with more tolerance and patience, they also begin to show more attention to us, to our needs.
This does not mean that we should remain silent about our desires or not voice them over and over again. Firstly, those around us must be aware of our desires in order to know how to please us. Secondly, it happens that what they do not remember the first time comes to them on the third, fifth or tenth - and this too must be taken calmly, because habits do not change immediately. You just don’t need to demand, make trouble, or give ultimatums. We need to meet them halfway ourselves and show the understanding that we would like to see in them.
The ability to see your responsibility
And, of course, we must always remember - it’s not people who are like that, it’s us who are like that, and that’s why such situations arise in our lives. It’s not the husband who is so slow-witted that he can’t put his shoes on the rug—it’s the wife who makes it too much great importance. It’s not the wife who’s so annoying and doesn’t understand that she’s distracting him from the road and risking his life - it’s perhaps the husband’s way of seeing the care that should be shown loving woman, and if she doesn’t call him several times a day, he feels unwanted and abandoned.
And the point, of course, is not the child or the playground, but the fact that the husband demands that everything be ready, cleaned and washed when he arrives. But the young mother does not always manage to do everything and is afraid of his reproaches, and besides, she believes that he himself could help her with at least something at home. But this is not her husband’s problem, but her own - she needs to allow herself not to keep up and at the same time not be afraid of her husband’s reproaches. She doesn’t sit idle anyway, she does everything she has time to do, she doesn’t have time to do it - let her husband help. She doesn’t want to help – that’s his business, but it’s not her fault either.
So instead of being offended and proving that you are right, you need to do two things - be understanding towards those who do not understand you. And to see the problem not in people, but to realize that this experience did not arise in vain in your life, with you. And try to change not people, but yourself.
Hint from metaphorical cards
We can do a simple exercise on metaphorical cards. Choose some situation in your life related to misunderstanding. And then ask yourself one of the following questions:
- What is the reason for this misunderstanding?
- What do I need to understand and realize in order for the situation of misunderstanding to be resolved?
- What will help me accept this experience?
The video shows one of my decks of intuitive and metaphorical cards. You can watch the video just for fun, for harmonization and relaxation, or you can use it to understand yourself. If you like the second option, formulate a request and select any moment in the video - which card you end up on will be the answer to the question posed.
The cards in the video are repeated twice in different orders, so it is quite possible to ask several questions and select several moments of the video, and therefore several different cards.
Metaphorical cards are NOT fortune telling, they are psychology. They do not have fixed meanings - by addressing them, we are addressing our own subconscious. That's why they can't give wrong answers. And, of course, you can use them to work on any other requests. You can read more about this on my website.
How to work with metaphorical cards
What to do if they don’t understand us
In conclusion, we can only repeat once again: the answer to the question of what to do if you are not understood will always be one thing - understand it yourself. Listen to other people, try to look at everything through their eyes, proceed from the desire to do better, and not to win and insist that you are right.
People always unmistakably feel these hidden motives, and they turn out to be not so hidden, because we speak in completely different words, with different intonations, when, it would seem, we are talking about the same thing, but in different states. So just be kinder, and in return for this kindness the world around you will become kinder.
With warmth,
Khutornaya Elena
I thank Lena for her, as always, correct and wise thoughts. Of course, first of all, we must strive to understand each other, and then there will always be warmth and love in our lives, and it will be much easier to overcome all difficulties.
Helen, I want to congratulate you on creating a video clip with your metaphorical cards. Wonderful job! And you can see everything clearly, and just work and relax. And as always, I use a random card selection method. Today I got the chance “Everything will be as you want, or it won’t be at all..” I smiled... and it’s true, that’s exactly it.
And for the soul we will listen today Maksim Mrvica ~ Leeloo´s Tune . An incredibly beautiful video that captivates from the first seconds and never lets go. And it is performed by one of my favorite pianists, Maxim Mrvica.
see also
15 comments
- Sincerely,
- CSU student support service
- Ask your teacher for clarification on questions you don't understand. Try to separate what you understand, at least in general, from what you don’t understand specifically (as in the task of identifying the known and the unknown). Approach the teacher with pre-formulated questions (not “I didn’t understand anything at all”, but “I didn’t understand why..., how..., what is the connection between..., etc.”)
- Write down more (even if you don’t understand), especially carefully record examples, the course of solving the problem, the logic of reasoning, etc.; Be sure to give the lecture 1-2 hours after class (or in the evening). Compare your notes with the notes of other students or the text of the textbook (additional literature) so as not to miss the essential points and understand the details.
- Do it practical tasks, look for the connection between practice and theory.
- Look for analogies with what is being studied in this subject, ask the teacher to give an example (discuss several versions of problems of the same type, etc.), come up with examples yourself or together with your classmates. If you yourself can give an example for the theoretical question being presented, it means that you understand the material in general terms.
- Try to explain the material to someone yourself, and it's better that way who does not understand this issue.
- If you don’t understand, you’re crammed. Not the best option, but sometimes understanding how insight comes after several repetitions; By the way, this can happen right during the exam.
- Contact a psychologist - he will help you understand the reasons for your personal “misunderstanding”. They can be associated both with insufficient school knowledge and with your individual characteristics perception, thinking, etc.
- Don't rush to blame yourself if you don't understand the text. Remember that your difficulties in mastering text may arise not only because of “clip thinking” and the availability of searching for new information inherent in modern man. This is largely due to the low quality of the texts.
- Don't read just anything. Filter your feed. Choose your resources carefully—try to read articles in major online and print publications that pay editors and proofreaders.
- When reading translated literature, remember that between you and the author there is a translator who can also make mistakes and work poorly with the text.
- Read fiction, especially Russian classics. Take Pushkin’s novel “Dubrovsky” off the shelf, for example, to test your reading abilities. Good literature is still easy and enjoyable to read.
- He doesn’t want to study, he’s not interested.
- Lack of attentiveness.
- Gets bad grades.
- Afraid to answer at the blackboard (and similar school fears).
- Does not communicate with children and teachers.
Answer
People often find themselves in hopeless situations. The truth is that it is very easy to get into them, but to get out is real work on your understanding of life and the problem that has occurred. But all the same, we can find a way out, but it will be so painful for us, it depends only on us and no one else.
What to do when you don't know what to do?
Have you encountered this?
I'm sure yes. We all find ourselves in situations from time to time where we feel lost and helpless.
This, as you might guess, is not good. :) And it’s very good to understand this, understand what is happening and how to deal with it. Well, what’s happening seems obvious at first glance - there’s something a person doesn’t know... and-and-that’s all?
Of course no. Such things can happen to us even when we are well prepared in terms of knowledge and even experience. In one of my previous articles, I already said that any negativity is a habit. Moreover, the habit we most likely inherited from very early childhood. In this case, this is exactly the case. All habits work like computer programs, that is, a clear sequence of commands. And they are triggered by the events that happen to us. And if this event somehow resembles some unpleasant event you experienced in distant childhood, then there is a very high probability that you will experience the same experiences that you experienced then. And in childhood, we all very often felt confused. Well, I think everything is clear with this. The main thing that follows from this is precisely the understanding that we have to resist the habit. And they act very similar to reflexes.
So it is here. However, there are too many moments when we could potentially feel confused... is it like constantly walking around waiting? Of course not. Yes, and it won’t work, although being in a state of vigilant expectation -
best strategy behavior. But we will proceed from our real capabilities. And all we need to do is to accustom ourselves to begin breathing deeply and evenly IN ANY UNEXPECTED SITUATION. This is very easy to do if you put in a minimum of effort. A sea of unexpected little things happen to us every day that we usually don’t pay attention to. But now you can use them to your advantage: I realized that the event that happened was unexpected - I began to breathe deeply and evenly. After a few days this will begin to happen without much effort. And the most interesting thing will happen when you have already gained the necessary experience and something happens that really unsettles you.
You will catch yourself starting to breathe evenly and deeply, remember why
you trained This is the action and the actual meaning of this article.
All these actions will not allow the program of confusion to start and you will quickly figure out what is best to do in this situation.
The very first thing is to stop feeling sorry for yourself, assess the situation sensibly, and fight pessimism and fear.
You need to fight your fear, which does not allow you to breathe deeply. We must train ourselves to look positively at the current situation and the whole world that surrounds us.
We accept the choice It is very difficult to make a choice, and it doesn’t matter what area of life it concerns. And when between two roads, we think about where to go, we are held back by the fear of making the wrong choice, and we remain in place, suffering. Therefore, you always need to move forward, being responsible for every step you take, as an adult, independent person does. You need to control yourself, learn to weigh the positive and negative consequences, and accept that you too can make mistakes. First step There is no need to be afraid that you will make a mistake. since this is the most important thing in your life and it is this experience that will allow you to become stronger and more able to endure other hardships of life. So, take control of your life and under no circumstances allow fear to command your actions! Also, you should not be afraid of changes in life, only in a swamp everything flows quietly and calmly, but in a mountain river the water is always seething. So, don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone! You should always repeat to yourself, both out loud and silently, that change is only good and any change will lead you to a new and better result. By doing this mini-training on yourself, you will begin to understand that your hopeless situation is just a situation from which there is more than one way out.
Change your attitude towards the problem
You are not the only person on Earth who has been in difficult situations. There are a lot of famous and famous people who have experienced the hardships of life even more seriously. And how many not famous people
survived? We think a lot! You can easily find several similar stories on the Internet and read how people were able to overcome them.
We repeat again, perhaps you simply do not want to leave the usual state of your life, but this is exactly what you need. This very often happens when people maintain outdated relationships, or work at a job that brings only a negative impression, because they don’t respect or value you there. Why is this happening? The fact is that the reason for our hopelessness is low self-esteem. This is why it is important to understand our problem and get out of it, no matter how difficult it may be for us. Working on self-esteem
When you tell yourself: I don’t even know what to do, this means that your self-esteem is greatly underestimated. So start working on it. If you don't do this, then you
Write down even the most fantastic ones, for example: “fly to the moon” or “Teleport someone to Africa.”
Write everything down and read it after a while, you will see that of all your entries a few are worthy of applause! Pity away Who hasn't felt the pleasure of feeling sorry for themselves? “Like, I’m so unhappy, pat me on the head, tell me that everything will be fine...” And how it will become good, no one asks at that moment... You, on the contrary, set goals for yourself, forget about the people who offend you and bring you only negativity into your life, even if you depend on them financially, think about how to solve this dependence. Don’t allow people to feel sorry for you, don’t allow them to admit that you have no way out, that “fate” is to blame for everything, this is all not true! Look at the elite of the country, many of them “made it” in life thanks to their.
strong qualities . Imagine also for a moment James Bond. Think about it, would he feel sorry for himself in such a situation, would he sit with his hands folded? The answer is obvious, of course not! We hope that you have understood your problem a little and realized that for the most part, our problems are far-fetched and purely psychological character
Therefore, if you say to yourself: I just don’t know what to do, then you need to stop and think about everything that’s happening and in the process of thinking about nothing
do not undertake
and then go forward and arrange your life! So, 7 steps Step one - calm down
Give up, stop hysterics, stop tearing your hair out and fainting
from uncertainty. Allow yourself to relax: take a bath, drink a cup of coffee (tea, compote). It's better not to get carried away with cognac. If possible, be sure to get a good night's sleep.
Step two - forward to nature
After this, fear will begin to dissipate and anxiety will melt away. And useful thoughts descend from Olympus.
If this does not happen, then
Step three - release
Take a piece of paper and write down everything you don't like about your life. Describe in detail the situation that you have driven yourself into, or someone has driven you into. Describe “someone” well too, just in case (he won’t know about it).
Don't skimp on paper.
Decide that this really doesn't suit you.
Then you can, without much regret, part with your unloved job, harmful acquaintances, and emotions of fear, pity, and anger once and for all.
Forgive everyone, and yourself first of all. Forgiveness will free you and give you additional energy.
If something is a pity, you will have to live as you lived until it hits you again. Or what to do when you don't know what to do? Dear student!
This section contains typical questions that many people have during their studies. Of course, they do not cover all areas of life, but they clarify situations concerning
educational process and communication at the university. What to do if you fail your coursework? What to do if your relationship with the teacher or classmates does not work out? Is it possible to transfer if I understand that the field in which I am studying is not for me? You will find answers (and in some cases even detailed algorithms!) to these and many other questions here. The section is under constant development, we promise that new questions and answers will appear. PS: if you have an atypical question regarding educational process
, You can contact the Deputy Director/Dean at educational and methodological work. You can find contacts. If the appeal did not lead to a resolution of your problem, you can address your question to the Deputy First Vice-Rector for Educational Management.
If your question is related to psychology - relationships in a group or with teachers, you can contact the leading management psychologist at
educational work
, head of student psychological services. , head of student psychological services.
Difficult things are things that can be done immediately; the impossible is something that will take a little more time.
J. Santayana
My clients often complain about deterioration in thinking, attention and memory, noticing problems with reading: “I can’t concentrate at all. I read and understand that my head is empty - there are no traces of what I read.”
People who are prone to anxiety suffer the most from this. Over and over again they catch themselves thinking: “I read something, but didn’t understand anything,” “Everything seems clear, but I didn’t remember anything,” “I discovered that I can’t finish reading an article or book, despite all my efforts.” Secretly, they fear that these are manifestations of some terrible mental illness.
Standard pathopsychological tests, as a rule, do not confirm these concerns. Everything is fine with thinking, memory and attention, but for some reason the texts are not absorbed. Then what's the matter?
The trap of “clip thinking”
American sociologist Alvin Toffler in his book “The Third Wave” expressed the idea of the emergence of “clip thinking”. Modern man receives much more information than his ancestors. In order to somehow cope with this avalanche, he tries to snatch the essence of the information. Such essence is difficult to analyze - it flashes like frames in a music video, and therefore is absorbed in the form of small fragments.
As a result, a person perceives the world as a kaleidoscope of disparate facts and ideas. This increases the amount of information consumed, but worsens the quality of its processing. The ability to analyze and synthesize gradually decreases.
Clip thinking is associated with the human need for novelty. Readers want to quickly grasp the essence and move on in search of interesting information. Search turns from a means into an end: we scroll and scroll through websites, social media feeds, instant messengers - somewhere “more interesting” will be found. We get distracted by exciting headlines, click on links and forget why we opened the laptop.
Almost everyone is susceptible to clip-based thinking and a meaningless search for new information. modern people
Reading long texts and books is difficult - it requires effort and focus. It is therefore not surprising that we prefer this exciting search, which gives us new pieces of the puzzle that we are not able to put together. As a result - Lost time, the feeling of an “empty” head, and the ability to read long texts, like any unused skill, deteriorates.
One way or another, almost all modern people with access to telecommunications are susceptible to clip thinking and a meaningless search for new information. But there is another point that affects the understanding of the text - its quality.
What are we reading?
Let's remember what people read some thirty years ago. Textbooks, newspapers, books, some translated literature. Publishing houses and newspapers were state-owned, so professional editors and proofreaders worked on each text.
Now we mostly read books from private publishers, articles and blogs on online portals, posts on in social networks. Large websites and publishers make efforts to make the text easy to read, but on social networks, each person has received their “five minutes of fame.” A heartbreaking Facebook post can be replicated thousands of times, along with all the errors.
We do the editing work: discard “verbal garbage”, read into dubious conclusions
Of course not! We are trying to break through to the meaning through the difficulties that arise when reading texts written by non-professionals. We get stuck in mistakes, fall into gaps in logic. In fact, we begin to do the editing work for the author: we “peel off” the unnecessary, discard “verbal garbage,” and read into dubious conclusions. No wonder we are so tired. Instead of getting necessary information, we re-read the text for a long time, trying to grasp its essence. It's very labor intensive.
We make a series of attempts to understand low-grade text and give up, wasting our time and energy. We are disappointed and worried about our health.
What to do
As often happens, several school days have passed, and problems have already begun. The child cries, cannot complete his homework, declaring that he will not go to school. And teachers complain about the student, saying he behaves badly. It seems like he’s not a stupid child, but here he is. What's the matter? Experts say that this is where so-called school stress comes into play. This is what reveals such poor academic performance and difficulties in communication. How can we ensure that the child experiences this stage in his life correctly?
What problems may schoolchildren have?
Parents say this:
What kind of children are we talking about now? About the “weak” with developmental difficulties or about the capable? This may apply to both. You just need to look at everything separately and understand why it arose and what can be done. So…
He doesn't want to study
Reluctance to learn and lack of interest may be caused by a feeling of insecurity. And it may also be inspired by bad relationships in the family. But basically the child is afraid of being misunderstood and unaccepted.
By whom? Parents and teachers. After all, they are the ones who evaluate his success at school. And it’s not a fact that it’s good if there is fear. Because at home they can be too busy with the child’s successes. And the teacher? He expects something from the student. Even if everything is fine at home, the child may disappoint the teacher. So he includes disinterest in learning as a defense...
Lacks attentiveness
Neurological reasons are also often to blame here. However, most of all, a student’s attention may suffer due to stress and lack of teacher attention when there are many children in the class. And stress is a thing that forces all the body’s resources to defend itself.
Meanwhile, adults are responsible for a student’s child’s sense of stability in the lower grades. And they can help the child navigate, control attention, etc. The teacher here is an even greater helper. It is clear that when family education there are no such problems.
And besides stress, children are each in their own way capable of processing this or that amount of information, concentrating on something, and switching attention. This may be the norm, but it does not coincide with the parameters recognized at school. So, with family education, where all these factors are taken into account, children study better, but fall behind in school.
Gets bad grades
Yes, he studies poorly. Sometimes in all subjects or one at a time. The latter is characteristic of the immaturity of some areas of the brain. Let's say mathematics. And so on. And the relationship between the child and the teacher can also influence - if he is afraid, he will make so many mistakes out of fear that it will be difficult to count...
Afraid to answer at the board
Yes, if he studies at home, he is not afraid - no one will laugh, the teacher will calmly explain everything. What about at school? This is sheer anxiety that begins with the bell from class... What can we say about exams - children, out of fear of such tests, forget everything they knew. Stress? Another one.
It will happen again if you don't take action. After all, there are final exams ahead for college... A child, realizing that he was rated poorly once, will be rated poorly the next time, will suffer all his life. Kill school fears in the bud.
Doesn't communicate
Young children feel their separation from the world, how it affects them and how they can influence it themselves. And he gradually understands what signals his body gives him in a given situation. But he may begin to behave paradoxically, because he is afraid of either getting a bad mark or being punished. And they write him down as “problematic” instead of helping.
What to do?
In order for a child to learn to understand at school what they say, what is asked, in order to learn his lessons, he must, firstly, choose whether he should study at school or at home, and secondly, involve himself as much as possible in this process. After all, as practice shows, if school and family are allies, then fears and other unpleasant moments may not come to pass. Everyone in their place would do their job, if this question did not arise now.
So what is better - for the child to study with a teacher at home, because you do not study with him and do not pay his attention? Or should he go to school, learn to communicate and face difficulties? So make your choice yourself...