To be honest, I would like that neither I nor my daughter had any relationship with him. Of course, you can speculate and dream - how good it is for a child when the former spouses have a good relationship, but not everything is so simple. Much depends on whether a person is generally able to build normal relationships.
Anastasia, live alone with her daughter
“No matter how much mud you scoop out of the swamp, you still won’t get it all”
I've been divorced for 5 years now. Now our relationship with an ex-husband is the ideal relationship that ex-spouses can have. But not more. We are not friends, not even buddies, we are ex-husband and wife and parents of our daughter.
My ex-husband lives in another city, but regularly visits his daughter for the weekend. Before this New Year, they, along with my former mother-in-law, even spent the night with us. I myself proposed to make such an exception: rented housing during this period is expensive, and I worked all weekend.
By the way, we are in regular contact with my mother-in-law. To be honest, the relationship with her after the divorce became much better than “before”.
And such smooth and good relations between our families are now also our merit.
My ex-husband has always been influenced by her. Now it is extremely positive for us. He even began to listen to me in matters relating to the upbringing of my daughter. On other topics, we do not really communicate.
We celebrate all the holidays of the daughter big family: parents, grandparents on both sides. At first it was awkward: my father-in-law never attended them, and my parents were very embarrassed and tried to find an excuse for a quick departure. But now joint holidays have become the norm. Our families have become very close long years marriage, so such meetings are for the benefit of all.
The daughter is satisfied with this format of life: she fully communicates with every member of the family, but at the same time, mom and dad do not swear. For a long time I did not believe that everything suits her, I took her to a psychologist. It was found there that the divorce did not injure the daughter at all.
Photo source: pixabay.com
It seems to me that this form of relationship suits everyone. Maybe this is our format? Relationships were not ideal as husband and wife, but they became ideal as an ex-husband and ex-wife.
I don't need anything else. I don’t want to get close to my ex-husband, I don’t want to try to be friends with him. And to be offended, remembering the past, I do not see the point. Yes, there was everything. Even remembering is strange: how I survived all this.
But as they say, no matter how much mud you scoop out of the swamp, you still won’t get it all. Therefore, I do not want to stir up the past and sort out old grievances. And there are no more emotions. Everything has been experienced.
I cannot say that I am grateful to my ex-husband for something. But I don't regret it. I have a wonderful daughter. I'm happy that I have her.
Masha. Married for the second time, three children, including two - from the first marriage.
“If it weren’t for the children, then there would be no relationship between us at all”
I maintain relations with my ex-husband to the minimum extent necessary for communication about children. That is, I don’t ask “how are you” questions, I don’t congratulate you on the holidays. Periodically I send him photos of children and we only talk about children.
After the divorce, we did not communicate at all for a year. Then another year “somehow”. I always understood that he is the father of his children, and he, apparently, for some time decided that after the divorce, his children became “former”. But then his behavior changed, he became a normal father.
Now the children communicate well with their father: they go to visit, he gives them expensive gifts like gyroscooters, participates in camp expenses, etc. While we were little and could not stay at home alone, we went to him more often, and sometimes I asked him to stay with them when there were some business. Now the children have grown up, they can already stay at home alone, and they have friends at home, life, so they don’t ask their father so often. What they talk about, how they spend their time, I don't know - I don't interfere at all.
Photo source: pixabay.com
I now have a different life, I am happy next to my man, we live in our own house. It is not very pleasant for me to remember the past - there is a lot of negativity there. My responsibility for what happened in my first marriage is exactly half. But I can really remember very few happy moments. As if it was either nothing, or bad.
If not for the children, then there would be no relationship between us at all.
Tatyana. They live with their son.
“Now I feel good”
We broke up when our son was less than a year old. On the initiative of her husband. For me it was a shock. We lived with his parents, so I had to change my life drastically and very drastically. Rented an apartment, quickly went to work. And somehow everything went well. Now the child is 4 years old. I have already bought a car, I am building housing for my son and I, I feel confident.
My parents live in another city, and my ex-husband and his parents are actively involved in raising a child: they often take my son from the garden if I need to stay at work, walk with him on weekends. We are constantly in touch, but communication is exclusively on the topic of the child.
Recently, my husband suggested getting back together. I refused. Now I feel good, why make life difficult for yourself?
Yes, he will always be the father of my child. But he will always be the person who betrayed me. You can't get your trust back in him. And I can communicate normally with him only knowing that we are strangers.
Ilona. Two children, husband.
“My ex-husband is no longer an ex”
During our first marriage, we fought constantly. I wanted to work and travel, my husband expected me to sit at home and cook borscht. In the end, we had a child, but the scandals did not stop.
I was tired at home, my husband was tired at work, and constant problems with money only aggravated the already hard life. Now it seems to me that we were simply not ready for difficulties: we were in our early twenties.
Photo source: pixabay.com
We divorced. But they didn't stop talking. About children, about everyday issues, sometimes they just talked. Along the way, they tried to arrange personal lives, but somehow it didn’t work out.
About a year after the divorce, my husband began to look after me again: to give gifts, flowers. I can not say that I was in seventh heaven from this. It was rather scary, but it was nice. In the end, he offered to get back together. I thought and agreed.
We moved in together, and after a couple of months we signed again. Now I sit at home, cook borscht and take care of children. We already have two. And my husband makes good money. And we seem to be happy.
During the separation, we got to know each other better, matured, and already know how to cope with difficulties. Also, we are made for each other.
Larisa Malakhova
How are your relationships with your ex-husbands?
Why, Lelena? .... if a husband spits in his wife's face, this is also evil and sin .... I wrote about the wife because now women's exaltation over their husbands is very developed, their humiliation .... leading to the fact that husbands begin to drink, get sick, or "walk" ..........
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Dmitry, you cited animals as an example. But at the same time they said that conscience and our emotions come from understanding different actions and the mortality of life ....
Animals are not able to comprehend their actions and their mortality, but animals have different feelings, including caring for their neighbors, loyalty, even love, self-sacrifice, the desire to save and warn a person from danger .... Is this also the fruit of their thoughts and awareness of mortality?
After all, no ... but they are led by domestic law and the will of the Creator, prompting them to do so, and not otherwise,
Or evil spirits that entered the animal.....they can also be possessed by demons...
Dima, if a person created morality based on experience and awareness of death, then long ago all people would have been saints, realizing evil and its consequences ..
But throughout history, man both sinned and sins, as he did evil, he does so, therefore the nature of Adam's sin does not leave him.
But only God changes a person in the case when a person devotes himself to Him, recognizes His supremacy, His Laws of Truth and Truth, wants to submit to His will, and not his own..........
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A believing person, like any other person, is able to love another person because the feeling and ability to love is inherent in a person by the Creator, for He Himself is Love, and we are created in His likeness....
The fact that we choose the "object" of love according to our ideas is already OUR choice, the choice of free will.
I watched a video where one girl had her own ideas about what her chosen one should be .. and imagined him like that tough guy, who had definitely been in prison, with tattoos and a "strong" past, the charisma of a criminal ..... she later fell in love with such a person ... then it was like this: they somehow went to the dacha with a company, they drank, ate, played cards .... then her beloved lost this girl in cards and her throat was cut .... but she still survived ..... then she could not speak for a long time, her head constantly hurt and it was difficult to breathe .... She suffered for 2.5 years..... her mother came to God... the girl resisted, said that she (mother) was a sectarian, wanted to kill the pastor, came to church with a desire to cut everyone... but the Spirit touched her. .... she cried, repented .... then healing came ... Now she has other ideas about love for a man and about the Love of God ......
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When a believer gives to a beggar, if he is nominal, he will think about how to earn salvation by deeds...
And if he truly loves God, then he will give to the beggar simply out of compassion and love .....
And if an atheist does this, then one will do it for the sake of calming his conscience, and the other out of conscience or love for a person, but all the same, conscience and love are given to him from God, and he does not glorify God, but himself, worthy and moral .... ... Therefore, this morality is not at all higher, but lower, because it does not recognize God, but glorifies creation ....
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Dima, the revolution was made by atheists. They led it.
Another thing is that people were drawn into it, playing on their feelings of lawlessness, poverty, oppression .... inspiring them with godlessness and atheism of the struggle for a better life ....
The priests did not all and did not always support the Power of the world. This is a separate conversation. Who was against the authorities, who was for, who did nothing at all .....
In history, with the development of the instruments of production, slavery or serfdom would have disappeared by itself in due time, since the need for human hands would have disappeared ....
Now this need is even more eliminated, because many industries are being automated and robotized ....
People have always strived for personal well-being, at any cost ... there comes a time when comfort will overshadow all the needs of the spirit and soul, a person himself will turn into a robot with insatiable desires for consumption.................
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Dima, let's be more precise. Here is what the Apostle Paul said:
"A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord.
But she is happier if she remains so, according to my advice; but I think I also have the Spirit of God." ---
As you can see, he did not speak against marriage, but advised ......
My mother, after the death of her husband at his 41, did not come out until her 79
Wisdom has many hypostases, set forth, in particular, in various religious doctrines. One of the most important issues that has been worrying people since ancient times is the problem of curbing one's own anger, which sometimes overwhelms the soul of each of us. What to do if someone wants to offend someone? Should he fight back or patiently endure this chagrin? Christianity teaches to "turn the cheek". How does Buddhism order to behave in moments of anger?
So complex issue Everyone decides for themselves, and again it all depends on the situation. The Buddhist approach is illustrated by the parable below. The patient reader will acquaint himself with this story, the original source of which remains unknown.
Conflict
A certain person offended the Buddha. He did it in the most outrageous way.
Not everyone could endure such humiliation meekly, the offense is too great, and many would think that only cowards behave this way. You should not judge so bluntly, perhaps there is a rational reason to behave this way.
It was like this: once the Buddha was sitting with his disciples under a branchy tree and preached his teaching to them, or maybe just talked to them. At that moment, a stranger approached and suddenly spat in the teacher's face. Everyone present was numb, this act was too sudden and inexplicable. Only the Buddha did not lose his composure, he dried himself quite calmly and asked the stranger: “What next? What do you mean?"
The person who committed this outrageous and insulting act was himself discouraged at that moment. He expected everything, anything - abuse, a blow, but certainly not a calm question. He had obviously hurt people before, and their reaction was predictable - cowards and weaklings smiled, trying to appease him, and strong climbed into a fight. The Buddha did not look frightened, the disciples sitting around him showed anger on a par with their readiness to stand up for the teacher and waited only for his command to punish the offender. And Buddha only asked: "What's next?"
Conversation with students
When the stranger left without getting what he deserved, the teacher reproachfully addressed the students, telling them that their behavior offended him much more than the actions of this person. "He did not offend me like you did. He is unfamiliar to me, and probably heard something about me from people. Perhaps they slandered me, calling me a criminal, an atheist, an adventurer who seduces other people with righteous path, a revolutionary or a bribe-taker. He probably has some idea of me. He did not spit on me, but on this image, on his own illusions, because he does not know me at all.
I have nothing to do with his ideas of me, and so I asked what exactly this poor man wants to say - his spitting is also a way of saying something. There are times when people feel that their tongue is powerless: in prayer, deep love, or intense anger. There are moments when the brightest speeches are powerless, then there is a need to do something. I can understand him. He obviously wanted to say something, so I asked him: what's next?
Meanwhile, the abuser...
Puzzled and confused, the man went home. He didn't sleep all night. Again and again he experienced what had happened, not finding an explanation for it. Never before had he met such a man.
In the morning he returned to the tree and fell at the feet of the Buddha, who again asked him: “What next? Your bow is also a way to say something that cannot be put into words.”
The man looked at the Buddha with eyes full of tears and said, "Forgive me for what I did yesterday."
Buddha's answer
"I'm sorry? But I'm not the person you hurt. The Ganges keeps flowing and it's always a different Ganges. Each person is like a river. I can't forgive you because I don't have any resentment And you're new too I see that you're not the same person who came yesterday because he was angry and spitting and you bow at my feet So let's forget about this. Come closer. Let's talk about something else."