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"You are such a good mother!" - the most incorrect compliment that can be made to a woman. This phrase means something like this: "You are raising children in the way that seems right to me." These are only the speaker's values, not absolute truth." So says psychologist Ellen Boder. Why you should not look back at someone else's opinion, read in her column.

The idea of ​​"being a good mother" is as common to women as the idea of ​​"being thin." This in our society means "to be a good woman." But this assessment is always made by others. It is determined by other people's values, standards and ideas. This is a very limited judgment.

When ideas of different people about how to be a good mother are placed in one head, a complete mess turns out in the head.

• I have to sleep with the baby. We can't let him sleep with us.
• I have to bring down the baby's temperature to make him feel better. You need to use only natural remedies.
• I should spend more time at home. Time to get back to work.
• I have to enroll the children in new clubs. We need more rest and relaxation with the kids.
• I have to feed them only organic gluten free food. It needs to be easier on food.
• I should be calmer. You need to be stricter with them.
• I have to demand discipline from them. Should be softer.
• I have to clean the house more often. Stop paying attention to nonsense.

If such a swarm of thoughts is buzzing in your head, then you are walking someone else's path. Trying to be good to everyone is useless. This only adds to your anxiety and self-doubt. It's time to go in search of your own answers.

When we try to be good mothers, we miss something more important - the ability to be ourselves.

I used to say the phrase myself: “You are such a good mother.” I said this to friends who doubted themselves and whether they were raising children correctly. With these words, I wanted to say: “I see how you care about children. I know that raising them is not easy. I believe in you, love you and will support you.” I hope my friends understood me correctly.

But I don’t say that anymore, because when we try to be “good mothers,” we miss out on something more important for our well-being and the happiness of our families - the ability to be ourselves. Sounds simple, right? Just be yourself. Love yourself, accept yourself. But it's easier said than done.

We need to learn to stop, to track sensations and their changes, otherwise we risk missing something important. No matter how well you know yourself, the experience of motherhood will inevitably change you.

We are changing our lives and going through a serious process of adaptation. Motherhood can inspire and inspire, but it can also stifle and limit. Day to day doesn't happen. In order to overcome all this without losing our last strength, we must recognize ourselves in a new way.

Motherhood destroys our unrealistic self-image. Becoming a mother, everyone learns through trial and error, finds out what she likes and what works, and where help is indispensable, from her own experience.

We learn that the simple things can be the most important: an afternoon nap and a quiet evening with your husband are the best things in life. We discover in ourselves a huge ability to love and experience. Getting to know our limitations: even though we adore children, we cannot be with them all the time. We learn that our patience is not infinite: sometimes by eight in the morning our angels completely deprive us of it. We want to give our children the very best, but if we don't set limits, our vitality will run out before the child is three.

For me, the main thing is to show the children that I see them, love and care for them.

For me, trying to be a “good mother” means trying to be a different person. It took me a while to realize that certain approaches to motherhood weren't right for me. For example, I am a useless mother-animator. I can invite guests to a birthday party and order a cake, have a hike or a picnic, but nothing more. My son was upset because I couldn't teach him anything. We tried. Knitting, felting, weaving, building fabulous houses are my baby's favorite pastimes. I have not been given it. But, having understood this, I began to hire talented teachers and animators who put on performances and develop my children in every possible way.

For me, the main thing is to show the children that I see them, love and care for them. I want them to feel comfortable and safe around me. It is important for me to be predictable for them, to set clear and adequate boundaries. I want to establish and maintain a deep connection with them.

This approach to motherhood is mine alone, no one else can teach me how to do it. This approach requires me to be attentive to myself: I must always have strength and energy.

So no, I don't want to be a good mother. I want to be the mother I was meant to be. I want to be the one who is full of love and gratitude for my motherhood, continue to learn with every step on the path of parenthood.

I'm going my own way, pushing through the thickets. Sometimes I am caught off guard, but more often I am inspired. I hope you are on your way too.

about the author

Ellen Boeder psychotherapist, mother of two children. More details on her website.

Women who cannot conceive are often unhappy in their marriage. Because of this, a lot of conflicts arise with a partner, claims, relationships collapse. The woman, as it seems to her, sincerely wants a child, begins to solve the problem, first in a medical way, turning to doctors. Often there are no reasons for infertility in the body or there are many diagnoses, but medications and treatments do not really help. The next step is to contact a psychologist. In therapy, she works on many topics - her own infantilism, and distrust of her partner, and the fear of having a child. But conception still does not occur. In these cases, it can be assumed that the problem lies in a deeper unconscious layer of the psyche, with which systemic family constellations can quickly and effectively work.

For those who are not familiar with the basic principles and possibilities of the classic Bert Hellinger family constellations, the results that can be achieved by applying them seem miraculous, paradoxical, quick and unexpected. Of course, we are talking about the classic systemic family constellations, and not about some mystical shows that they often turn into. Constellations are a powerful and serious method of work that allows you to find a needle in a haystack, to see a problem in the family system, which is often hidden in the faces of distant ancestors. It is a method that can bring order back to the family and allow the energy of love to flow in the right direction, allowing the system to live and regenerate. Often constellations are used when other methods are powerless.

Darling be my mother

The founder of the method, Bert Hellinger, said: "Your parents have a happy face," meaning that a broken relationship with one's own parents interferes with building a relationship with a partner. Claims and accusations, anger - become obstacles to harmony and happiness in the family. We transfer the hunger for parental love to a partner, putting him in the place of a parent for us, rewarding him with the obligation to love us like a child. At the same time, the spouse feels out of place, poorly understands what is required of him, constantly conflicts with us.

Such couples have problems, including with the birth of children. This happens because one or both partners are in a childish position and do not want to grow up. Lack of love in childhood, forced early growing up in a toxic family, neglect of parents leaves the childish part, our inner child, ungrown, helpless. Leaves a person in the hope of someday receiving warmth, love, attention, filled with it. Therefore, a husband or wife is not ready to grow up, not ready to take responsibility for their own children, not ready to give. For the time being, they can only accept, they are waiting for the new "parent" to provide them with all the conditions, to organize happiness. Or they are ready to serve only themselves for the time being, not to be indebted to anyone.

Usually, at first glance, all of the above is not at all obvious and becomes visible, it manifests itself precisely due to the arrangement.

The solution is suggested by the family system

case from practice

A beautiful young woman came to the constellation, whose marriage was in jeopardy. Her request was categorical: "it is no longer possible to live like this, what should I do - stay with my husband or get a divorce?"

In constellations, the request is usually reformulated in accordance with the laws of family systems, and it sounded like this - what in the system does not allow you to be happy with your husband? Also in an interview, the client said that one of the reasons for the greatly shaken relations in the family is the absence of children, the inability to get pregnant for many years. When asked about her parental family, the woman replied that relations with her parents are difficult, that she is angry with her mother, feels rejected and does not forgive her for her neglect in childhood.

Parent figures immediately appeared in the arrangement. The client was able to turn to her mother and only in the format of constellation express her grievances, tell her about her experiences. She was surprised to see that her mother did not reject her, that she had a lot of love for her daughter, although it was not easy to interact. It was hard for the client to believe this at first, but the system opened just like that, showing the obvious, but previously invisible. It is difficult to lie in the constellation, because for each inaccurate assumption, the movement of the deputy will react with opposition from other participants, and an experienced constellator will stop the process leading away from the solution in time.

The client, following her deputy, managed to open her heart to her mother, embrace and, finally, symbolically stand in the place of her daughter. This was helped by the permissive phrases adopted in the approach: "Dear mother, I'm just your child. I can't blame you, you are parents and you yourself will sort out your relationship." After that, everyone in the constellation felt relieved. The deputy father turned to his daughter and saw that he also accepted her as his child. Recognition of the need for their parents was the solution to this constellation.

After work, the client began to look at her husband differently, removing his claims to his parents. The relationship was clearly overwhelmed by this woman's desire to be loved by her husband, but as a child, and at the same time rejecting her husband, as a mother, being angry at him instead of her. The marriage was not only preserved, but it also became known that after 2 months the woman became pregnant.

A result that seems miraculous

The arrangement stopped the confusion and transfers. The condemned mother, excluded by the woman from the system, was returned to it. The client began to accept her love, to be grateful to her, to love in return, and the system began to rebuild. Only by taking her proper place as a child in her parental family, and refusing to condemn and evaluate her parents, she was able to grow up and become a mother herself.
Unconscious loyalty (respect, which was not at the level of consciousness) to one's family system manifested itself in the case under consideration in the fact that the rejection of the mother placed an unconscious ban on the possibility of being a mother herself. "I don't want to be like her = I don't want to be a mother." The organism only fulfilled the request of the psyche, showing the symptoms of the body, organizing the rejection of the child.

The exact words of B. Hellinger put an end to this happy story: "In partnerships, we often want to achieve what we failed in love for our parents. But this will not happen if the flow of love for parents does not flow first."

Photo: Scanpix

Once I got into a conversation with a young woman, about thirty years old. And she was surprised that she did not want to get married, did not want to have a family, and even more so - children. “All these family values, motherhood, sacrifice, femininity are no longer relevant! Nobody cares about it now!” - she exclaimed. “What are you concerned about?” - I was surprised. “Something different!” - the girl answered evasively, and I wanted to understand this problem.

I see that this is a problem in many ways: by children who are increasingly left to their own devices, by numerous examples of broken families, by the loneliness that surrounds me everywhere and everywhere, writes MyJane.ru. People stopped working in the name of their love, they also stopped loving truly, replacing close relationships that require a lot of attention and effort with surrogates for casual and short-lived relationships. What is happening to us?

What are we concerned about?

My interlocutor replied: “Something else!” - and I tried to imagine what it could be. Unfortunately, I came to disappointing conclusions. I could not find anything that could fully replace the happiness of a warm family hearth, a house in which love and tranquility reign, in which it is cozy and you are always welcome, where you can be yourself and you do not have to break yourself for this. The perfect picture. This almost never happens now, because it needs a lot of work. Nothing comes for free, especially building your own home. But we don't want to stress. At work, they strain, even at home to come off. So we “break away”, not caring about who is next to us and how they feel from our “breakaway”. What is the concern of modern man?
success
career
Getting pleasure.

Ultimately, YOURSELF!

Yourself, beloved, unique, special, original, talented, beautiful, smart, etc.
Achieving your success
Achieving your comfort
With your interests...

Many of us, deep down, think only of ourselves. Even in love and friendship in the sense that excludes the concept of family and home.

Of course, everyone puts their own meanings into these concepts, but, in general, we are similar. “I'd rather travel the world than take care of my home nest! It's boring! How much time is spent in vain on household chores, and who needs them!”

Yes, you also need to feel comfortable, to have the very concept of home, that is, a place where you and your family members can relax and unwind. And your efforts never go in vain, as you invest your time, energy, love in them, which extends to others.

To be honest, I also don’t like ironing clothes and washing floors, but I really respect cleanliness. You can, of course, hire a housekeeper and a nanny, give the house and your child into their hands, and go on a trip around the world yourself. And the family? Who needs it today...

Home and family as a mental support

The house turns for many people just into a place to spend the night. We spend most of our lives outside the home: in the office, in the workshop, in the shop, in the club, pub, on the street, etc. A child who has barely learned to walk and talk goes from home to a kindergarten, to a circle, to school, to a university, then to the same office. And he runs home, really, only to spend the night and tomorrow from early morning again go somewhere beyond his borders. We give our son or daughter into the hands of people who are essentially indifferent to them. Of course, you can find a good nanny, a kind and smart teacher, a talented teacher, a prestigious school and kindergarten. But they will never be able to replace the child's own mother and father and that unique atmosphere of the house, which is necessary for every person as the mental basis of his existence.

It is in the family that we find the satisfaction of our most important needs in life.
- attention;
- recognition;
- complicity;
- help.

Here we ourselves learn to give and give warmth, which will become the main condition for our personal happy life. Our parents, whether they like it or not, give us a model of relationships that we, one way or another, will embody in our adult life.

If our mother had no time to bake pies, wash dishes and communicate with us, because she was preoccupied with her career, survival, her own interests, then her children will inherit exactly the same model of life.

Mom teaches a child to love!

And love is very often similar to sacrifice. A truly loving person is more about giving than receiving. What lesson can a mother give a child who is not used to investing in a family and does not know how to give her strength and attention to her loved ones, her loved ones.

Many women perceive household chores as hard work and an unbearable burden, consider themselves housekeepers and bring everyone at home with their constant claims of ingratitude. And yet this is how they show their love. Doing something for another, we give him a part of our soul and our warmth. Without this, a house is impossible, no matter what is meant by this concept.

Home is a haven for the soul

House is a rather broad category, which we are accustomed to look at somehow too narrowly. We associate a house with an apartment, walls, the enclosed space of a dwelling, and with loved ones. But if you look at the house through the eyes of an advanced modern person, you can see it in the full breadth of meaning. A house is a mental support for a person, something that makes his life meaningful. Home can be called the whole planet, and a group of friends, and a cafe where you like to drink coffee in the morning, and a minibus in which you go to work every day, and an office where you have to stay most of your life. Home in a broad sense is a place where you feel good, where your essence freely manifests itself, where you are the way God created you.

And if you are not comfortable within the four walls that the people around you are used to calling the house, you, of course, would prefer a round-the-world trip, tents, hostels and even lawns in the park. And all because neither you nor your loved ones took care of creating a HOUSE within these four walls.

It is precisely this “something else”, in my opinion, that the young woman who does not want to have a family dreams of. She does not need a nominal house, a formal family, an apartment, the presence of children, etc. She does not want to have a family like her own or the family of her friends and acquaintances... This is not a family - this is horror! She needs a home as a haven for her soul.

Family is no longer valuable

Indeed, what examples to go far. Now there are only one or two happy families. Everyone has some problems, scandals, claims, the number of divorces exceeds the number of marriages. Everyone is afraid of relationships and working on them, and in order to avoid mistakes and losses, they agree to civil marriages, cohabitation, temporary relationships, or even their absence at all, because everyone is only concerned about themselves!

Beautiful fairy tales about ideal relationships that occasionally flash on the screens only kindle hostility towards the real model of the family, which, alas, is too far from them. Why create a family where disorder, indifference, selfishness, mutual claims and constant criticism will reign, where you are not noticed, ignored or too pressed and strangled by your dictates. Why do I need this deep insanity of family ties that oblige, force, load, immerse, suck in something. Freedom for Yuri Detochkin! I'll find something else for myself!

Fortunately, a person is still determined to look for this “something else”, without realizing to himself that he is looking for exactly what he declaratively refused. That is, a modern person, no matter how he struts or sticks his head in the sand of his own illusions, wants the same thing that they wanted and expected from an ordinary family before. Love, warmth, understanding, calmness, help, recognition.

Only now he forgets that this process cannot be one-sided, you have to pay for everything, in this case with the same coin: love, warmth, attention, time, etc. It doesn't happen otherwise.

And there is no need to despair, watching examples of unhappy families. They are unhappy only because they did not want to invest in their relationship. But if you don't invest, you won't get anything. Only by giving love yourself, by learning to do something for others disinterestedly, and not to receive gratitude or a reciprocal act, just like that, because you love them and want to make their life more pleasant, warm and worthy. Sometimes it's not even worth some huge sacrifice, effort or time. Just a smile, a hug, a joke, attention, a word, a call, a text message, or anything that is directed not to yourself, but to a loved one.

When we do something for others, we do it for ourselves, for our heart, which is set to give. Giving is much better than taking. Only by understanding this simple thought and starting to act in this direction, a person can appreciate what a real family is and real happiness to have your own home, no matter what he puts into this concept ...

And we need to make a brilliant career as a mother and wife. And if we do not even try to climb this career ladder, disappointment will be an integral part of our old age. Because the missed opportunities and the rejected responsibility give very bitter fruits in the future.

And it is important to remember that everything will bear fruit in due time. What will they be? Much depends on us. From our life vector, from the values ​​that we bring into this world ... into the world of our family.

Elena Horse - Presidentcharitable foundationcolor of life» , mother of seven children, of which five-reception rooms. This year, Elena and her husband adopted Ainur, a girl with osteogenesis imperfecta.

Say the code word« Ainur»

How did Ainur get into your family?? PAre you sure you saw her on TV?

I really saw the story on Channel One, I was touched that the child was compared with the little animal. And Ainur said so firmly about her family: “They don’t want me.” And when she was offered help to get up, she said: "I myself." All this sunk into my soul, I began to read about her diagnosis of osteogenesis imperfecta and began to doubt whether this girl would fit into our sports family. For example, I read that a child with such a diagnosis can break from the weight of the blanket, wake up in the morning with a fracture. But after some time, I still called the number indicated in the video and began to find out details about the girl.

On Channel One, they then said: call such and such a phone and say the code word “Ainur”. Then, in the fund that took care of the girl, they said that everyone called them, even mentally unbalanced people. Therefore, when I called, they answered me rather dryly: go to custody.

I read that your husband did not want to turn his life into a feat. Is that what he said?

I sent him a link to the video "Look, what a girl." He asked: "And what do you want?" - "Can I find out more about her?" - "Well, find out." We help someone all the time, he took it that way: maybe some help is needed. I gradually began to tell him. He was not ready, he constantly asked himself the question: how will we live now and what will change? I painted our lives point by point and persuaded him.

Elena with her husband

How did you see Ainurinfirst time?

According to the law, 10 days are given to get to know the child and make a decision. This is very little: you go to the child and see him for a limited time. You can't be in an institution when the kids are eating and then they have classes, lots of rules. Of course, it is difficult to understand how it will all be in your family.

We took her on August 14th. When they arrived, she seized the teacher with a death grip and said that she would not go anywhere. I probably spent an hour trying to persuade her to go. Apparently, there was a fear of the unknown, besides, Ainur is a very emotional girl.

What is the questionwasfor you yourselfmdifficultmon the way to adoption?

The one that the husband asked: can we live a normal life? It is rather a psychological moment, for each ordinary life has its own. Yes, Nyura will never be able to ski like all our children. Is this normal or abnormal? For everyone there is an answer.

She had her first fracture yesterday. For a month and a half, she has become very strong. No longer afraid to get up, climb on the sofa. Literally for a minute, I turned away - she climbed onto the stairs, unsuccessfully leaned on the step - and a broken arm. Of course, I still felt guilty and stressed. It just needs to be accepted, to expand the boundaries of consciousness. You are moving the child to where the injuries will be. The stronger the muscles, the more it will do and the more likely it is to fracture.

howAinurgot used to the family?

For example, a five-year-old child has never seen a legged chicken. "Mom, there's a stick!" - and only then she realized that you can gnaw it, and now she asks for a leg all the time. There was no such food in the orphanage. Everything surprises her, she claps her hands, laughs out loud. She delights in the very fact of choosing food. The husband loves to cook, so this is now their common theme. She helps him cut something, stir it. Children began to play outdoor games with her, roll her on a walker.

Ainur is unlikely to walk without support. Once every 4 months, she will receive bone medication. Later, they can do an operation - insert constructions inside the bones that grow with the child. And so - a person leads a normal life, realizing that he can break at any moment.

Did you see what a funny kid they brought?

You werenear30, when did you adopt your first children? And whereinatyou had your one-year-old twins. What prompted you to take such a step?

Until the age of 30, I worked a lot, I was such a businesswoman. After thirty, twins appeared, and I realized that this load was not so serious for me. I keep asking myself if I can do a little more. Such a character. And this desire to do more led to adoption. And the transition from the third to the fourth child is no longer so difficult.

At first I wanted another little one of the same age as my girls. But psychologists dissuaded me so that there was no competition between children. We began to focus on a boy of 5 years.

Then the topic of adoption was not so developed. There were no compulsory schools for foster parents, it was easier to get into an orphanage. We went to an orphanage near Moscow, where we could freely get acquainted with children. Roma was shown to us, and we immediately said that we were taking him. We had no doubts, we didn’t look at a lot of profiles, we didn’t have anything inside.

And with the next one skipped a beat?

I don't think this emotional 'squeaking' is very good at all. We came to pick up Roma, I dressed him in the hallway. And at that moment another boy was brought to the orphanage. And he was undressed nearby. I was concentrated on Roma and did not even notice that someone had been brought. And the husband saw and said: “Did you notice what a funny kid they brought?”

It turns out that the guy undressed, went to the playroom, immediately made a ruckus in the group, took away a toy from someone, slapped someone on the head. And he was angelic in appearance, blond with huge blue eyes. And the husband began to say: “Find out what happened to that kid.” As a result, six months later we took Maxim away. It was not easy, because a boy with a serious character, difficulties in behavior, with his own opinion.

Roma and Maxim

And with Roma there were no problems?

At the age of five, he weighed almost as much as my one-year-old daughters, refused to chew solid food, was afraid of everything, rushed screaming from dogs, was ready to leave with someone who simply smiled at him. There was nothing left of the old but distrust and caution before any new business. Now he is the bronze medalist of Russia in taekwondo and the soul of any company, a very positive guy with incredible abilities for foreign languages.

Roma in training

After two boys, did you have a teenage girl?

Yes, Nastya came to us as a teenager, lived and returned to the boarding school by the time she came of age. At the age of 15-16, children tend to separate from their parents, and then the moment of arrival in the family obliges them to adapt to other people's rules. She found it difficult. She made the decision to return.

I want to walk, live my life, and then there are obligations. There were lies, departures, alcohol, cigarettes, school absenteeism. And she slammed the door. And there is a stereotype from the orphanage that you can run away. She ran away from the orphanage many times. Nastya explained that it’s easier to leave for one night: teachers change in the morning, and if you messed up with the previous one somewhere, the new one says to you “well, you’re back, well done.” There is no assessment of the situation, there is no responsibility either.

Of course, there were experiences and stress for the whole family. “I failed,” I thought, especially since I am a critical person. But we were able to keep the relationship. Now we meet, communicate, we can give some advice. And she makes the decision herself.

17 years of life in the system make themselves felt

So when they write that Elena Horse has seven children - does this work out together with Nastya?

Different children write to me from time to time, after the story with Nastya, the boy Denis, who was 16, wrote. Now he is 19, he got an apartment and lives on his own.

And you consider everyone yours, and include these teenagers in the family circle?

Yes, despite all the difficulties with Denis and the fact that he lives separately, I consider him my child. And there was a lot: tantrums, scandals, and threats. He was rude to adults, but did not know the multiplication table. Before we never traveled alone in public transport. At some point, it seemed to me that nothing could be fixed.

17 years of life in the system make themselves felt daily. And he lived in the family for only one year. It's incomparable. I put a lot of emotional energy into it. Of course, in terms of documents, once a child turns 18, legally, he ceases to be my child. If you rely on the law, then I have five children, and if on the one for whom I feel my parental responsibility, then there are seven of them.

Have you ever imagined that you would have so many children?

No. And I'm not from a large family. It just turned out to be my way. I like being a mom. For many parents, whose children have already grown up, to take a baby into the family is to limit oneself in something, this is already an impossible situation: diapers, sleepless nights, learning letters. They say: "I'm not ready for the fifth time to study in the first grade." And for me, a small child is joy and happiness. I feel real delight when Nyura and I study simple things. I feel good about it.

What do you like to do with children the most?

Exercise. We have Natasha, a member of the Russian national team, who is engaged in trampoline jumping, Roma is a champion in taekwondo, Maxim is engaged in floorball, Masha is archery. Together we go skiing, I get great pleasure from it. And my husband's main topic of communication with children is the kitchen. Thanks to him, our boys are also fond of cooking.

Do you have assistants?

We tried to make the children more independent: they have a duty schedule, everyone is responsible for the common areas and for their rooms. You can get to classes and school either by public transport or by taxi. We have already lost the habit of outside help. And only now a nanny appeared, who should be with Nyura.

I am the logistics center of the family. If I go somewhere, I make a big plan: who has what classes, who goes where. There is no feeling of being overwhelmed. If the mother does not like such a life, it is imposed from the outside, then problems arise. I like this.

At night I glued labels on floppy disks

When are you absolutely happy?

I am absolutely happy when the house is full of children, everyone is busy with something, I am next to them and see how our family life plays with different colors. I am happy when I go out for a walk with the dog: autumn colors, a rare sun, a moment of pause when there is no need to rush. Happiness is both a moment and a process as well. I am a different type of person...

Tohowabout?

I tend to analyze, put everything on the shelves, not too emotional. On the one hand, I was happy when Ainur swam the pool with me for the first time. On the other hand, I understand how much both she and I had to overcome.

Have your loved ones ever said to you?« Lena, you think too much»?

They spoke. And they say. But this is my way of life, and I feel good in it. In every situation, I see explanations for myself that make me happy. This character trait helps in overcoming difficulties. The ability to understand yourself, your emotions, to explain to yourself at some point what you are experiencing right now - all this is very important, and I try to live like that.

Are you VMKaboutfinished? This is the men's department.! How did you feel there? Why didn't you become a programmer?

You know, I think we had more girls than boys. My mother graduated from the physics department of Moscow State University at one time, and I was fond of mathematics. VMK was perceived by me as mathematical, but easier than, for example, mekhmat. Then less people bothered with the choice. We studied during perestroika, many worked, including me.

Who worked?

I pasted labels on floppy disks in the evenings and at night. It was a good income. I made a career of being the best sticker maker. Smoother than all, clearer than all, faster than all. For example, my adopted child Denis, when I told him about it, laughed at me. And when he wanted to hurt me, he said: “Yes, you generally glued stickers!” And for me it is a matter of pride that, while studying at Moscow State University, I provided for myself and helped my parents.

When I graduated from the institute, I already worked as a regional manager. And then she left as a regional director in St. Petersburg and later - Samara. Then it was incomprehensible to many: how is it that everyone goes to Moscow, and I from the capital.

Have you been a tough leader?

Yes, I was a tough leader. I traveled a lot around the regions, there were adult men in the representative offices, and I had to give them instructions at the age of 25 and convince them of something. And for me it was not a problem. I could quickly fire a person if there was a stagnation and something urgently needed to be changed.

Who can work next to you? What should this person be like?

Now I work in charity, it's a slightly different world. Both a mother with a special child and a woman in a difficult life situation work in our fund, and I have a different attitude to those things that I would not accept in business. We are together and support each other. If a person wants to be on his own and is not ready to participate in our life, then he most likely will not take root in our team. Our employees do not spend much time on the road, they often work from home, but there is an agreement that in which case everyone is connected.

The girl is a seamstress, the boy is plasterer

Did the charitable foundation appear when you adopted Roma and Maxim?

I realized that I could not adopt all the children from the system, but I wanted to help, and then the Color of Life Foundation appeared. Small children are taken apart very quickly, but teenagers remain, and we began to specialize precisely in this age. Now we help children with special needs.

How do you manage to cope with the dependent mood of teenagers from the orphanage?

We select children who are ready to work and achieve something with their work. Our children study, for example, in culinary courses, then go to college, and then work in their specialty. And it happens that children go to courses not to study, but to eat. "What are we cooking today? Oh, I don’t like it” - they can take it and leave.

And what do you do with it?

We understand that these are children with certain disabilities, with disabilities, that they have lived in the system for a long time. When we explain, when we don’t let him in for the third time, if he left the first two. Then he begins to weigh what happened. But it doesn't help everyone.

There are often two paths from the orphanage to professional life: the plasterer to the left, the painter to the right. Which college is the nearest - they go there in droves. How can the foundation help those children who want something different?

The child in the system is used to instructions. And many children go much easier. We just work with those who want to change something in their lives. If the child graduated from a correctional school, then the list of professions is very limited. The girl is a seamstress, the boy is a plasterer. It happens that a child studied with us as a cook, and the orphanage tells him: you will become a seamstress. So we help to transfer documents and go to study where they want.

howreactsmanagement of orphanages?

It is important for them that the child study where everything is calculated and reliable, contacts with the institution are established. At the end of October, we hold a festival of professions for all, where the leadership of the orphanage can get acquainted with representatives of colleges. This expands their ideas, they can already offer children more.

Elena's family

At least one director closed the door for you?

It happens that the director has changed, and with the former we had many programs, and the new one says: “I don’t want to torture children with cooking soups, they will learn on their own. Let's molecular cuisine!". We object, we say: these children have limited health abilities, and it is necessary to choose activities according to their ability. There are orphanages with which we do not work. They don `t want. They explain it like this: “We don’t need it, we have everything.”

We offered flowers to institutions for the children to come out and plant. We were told that this would be perceived as child labor. And any check will find a violation in the fact that instead of workers who have to look after the lawn, the orphanage involves children.

Wasis there any conversationwith a pupil of the orphanage, whichthstruck you?

I communicate with the girl, she says: “I don’t need any advice at all, I decided everything for myself, I even found a job.” - "Well, tell me what kind of work." - “I found it on the Internet, they told me, as soon as I turn 18, they immediately take me. You just have to go and they will pay.” - "What will you do there?" “I was told that it didn’t matter and that I would definitely succeed.”

Sounds scary.

Yes, the child does not have an idea what she will have to do and where she was taken. Moments like this are scary. Many children have a stereotype that as soon as they escape from the orphanage, a cloudless life will begin.

Maratik remained in the orphanage

If a person wants to become your volunteer, what should they do?

What professions do you miss at the festival?

We lack real professions for children with disabilities. These are jobs related to manual labor. We have florists, cooks, tailors, but we are looking for builders and car mechanics. They are sorely lacking. So we are looking forward to representatives of these professions. We are always happy to meet new people.

In your, the biggest problem of orphanhood is what? In addition to orphanhood itself as a phenomenon, of course.

The problem is that an orphanage is an orphanage in any situation. Children, being there, still change their thinking. They do not see family situations and do not form a future picture of the world for themselves. Dad goes to work, comes home from work, people quarreled, people reconciled. They get used to the regime and routine, they are not asked whether they need this particular psychologist or not, educators change, they cannot choose food. They are in a limited space and in illusions about life. I am saddened by the existence of orphanages.

Do you have a dream related to this?

In the orphanage, where we took Nyura, the only safe boy remained, Marat. He is the only one who can talk. And now he has no one to talk to from his peers: he used to communicate with Nyura, and now he is alone. And I'm also trying to find his parents.

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about the author

Journalist, screenwriter, editor, author of video projects. In the past, a special reporter for Channel 3 and author of documentaries, PR director of the Sunflower Foundation, deputy chief editor of the Pravmir portal, and now a freelancer and mother of a restless and very witty son.

A family is a union of two souls who invite new souls into this world and promise to give them everything they will need: comfort, security, care, love, health, a happy present and a bright future.

Motherhood is often not taught anywhere. It's deeper than baby movie shots or Instagram mom photos, it's not like holding your little brother or your girlfriend's daughter.

It is very closely intertwined with: family psychology, one's own character. But some look at motherhood as something separate. But this is part of the whole - part of your new personality and part of the relationship with your spouse. And you can’t experience happy motherhood apart from a happy marriage or the formation of your personality traits.

When Lera was born, despite the fact that this was forgotten very long-awaited and desired, we still began to be rude to each other more often. It's not even swearing, not arguing. It's just that the manner of communication has become rougher. And even though I still think: “My man is the best for me. Best husband, great dad." “But we have become harsher towards each other.

On the other hand, the decree is a great time when every woman can think about getting an education “in the specialty of a muse, wife and mother” for 3 years. This is the time that a woman should feel as much as possible and learn to be the keeper of the hearth. These 3 years, they are not for us to merge with a dressing gown and get fat on the ass. There is some serious work to be done! - 3 important disciplines: Housewife, Wife, Mom. How well you pass the exams will depend on:

Your happy life and the future of your marriage,

- the attitude of your man and how satisfied he will be with the fact that he

- the formation of the character of your child, and even how happy your daughters will be in their motherhood

ALL THIS is now up to you.
You will take exams every day! Every day, face situations that have not yet been, with emotions that have not yet been, and you will need to learn to live with them in comfort and well-being.

If I taunt my husband when he comes home from work, he is not happy at that moment. If he is not happy, he will not play funny and provocatively with his daughter. If he does not come up with a humorous game, Lera will not squeal with laughter, as cool as only children can. If this does not happen, she will not remember this as a basic memory of what a family evening looks like.
In order to be in the mood to be a loving wife with my husband in the evening, I need to get along with the child. So that he does not take me out with whims. To avoid this, you need to know child psychology and understand the methods of education.
To do everything around the house with a child, you need to understand who a housewife is.

And all this for the sake of just feeling happy! To make it permanent! Not related to money or travel. To be simple: me, husband, children and a lot of happiness!

Love is a process. The process of action, thought.
If something does not work out, then you need to learn.

Happiness blossoms in work and care for it. How a garden blooms when a gardener loves his job.